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Thread: The Dream

  1. #1
    IdTakeABulletForYou
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    The Dream

    I slowly drift into my sleep
    my dreams not recorded remain
    i still know and feel all of the pain
    this dream was not one too keep
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    the dream, because it was so weird
    has been etched on paper for all to see
    i am right now writing it here
    i can feel it screaming through me
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I woke up and saw a light
    i turned it off and sat upright
    i think about what i should wear
    then i think,"do i really care?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    On the bus there's chaos and shouts
    i look back to see what it's all about
    i hear my name and realize it's a taunt
    i wanna shrink down to the smallest size, that's all i want
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I get to school and wait around, somewhat shy
    i count the seconds till someone says hi
    todays count i don't want to say
    i can tell this'll be a bad day
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I go to the bathroom and look at me
    i look in my eyes and try to see
    if it's possible for people to think i am cool
    if it's possible, people outside of school
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The middle of the day has come here
    new obsessions are getting me friends
    sooner or later it's all going to end
    sit sit down with my current friends
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The silence is odd, awkward and painful
    nobody gives me a passing glance
    nobody even gives me a chance
    i guess I'll read till times fulfilled
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The day has suddenly come and gone
    it's not over yet, if you'll just hold on
    i get on the bus home, same story here
    i get off the bus
    and my eyes start to tear
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I finish my homework in pretty good time
    i look out my window and see my friend pass by
    he doesn't even look me in the eye
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I sit on my bed and start to cry
    all of the tears come out of my eyes
    "I can't take it anymore...Why?"
    the answer yet to pass me by
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    OPTIONAL READING
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    This dream you could say, ends right here
    there's nothing more, nothing left to read
    this has been the story of my life
    but it keeps on getting worse and worse
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Now ask yourself what you would do
    if you lived this kids life
    would you try to wake up from this dream?
    or would you go on and proceed?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The dream never ends
    you could say it's a nightmare
    the pain feels real
    the pain gives me the chills
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I don't know how i'll escape this nightmare
    i don't know if i'll ever wake up
    will i die in my sleep?
    will anyone even care?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Is this nightmare my reality now?
    was i abandoned by my world?
    have i been forgotten?
    i feel so hated, used, and abused
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    You might see me one day
    maybe you'll be in my dream too
    it depends on if it's at my funeral
    it depends on if i wake soon
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    *Thank You For Reading this poem. I think it's awful and too long, but it was midnight and i wasn't thinking. please critique it. I know it needs a lot of revisions. Thanks. Peace out!!!*
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    ~Stevie~
    Last edited by yellowfeverlime; 10-03-2005 at 09:43 PM. Reason: ti = it
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  2. #2
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    I think this is a sad poem with a feeling of helplessness yet intriguing.

  3. #3
    a tribute to poetry geetanjali's Avatar
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    juvenile tragedy

    this poem is a result of the poets dejection & the poet is young & lost. The sense of rejection is painful for both the young & the old. If you have authored the poem with the pain actually being a reality in your life( because I believe all works of art have their own biographical roots) then first I wish to tell you that God lives in your soul , learn to make friends with him & you will never feel the pain of rejection & dejection from the earthlings
    God is supreme absolute truth

  4. #4
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    You are correct. This is overly long and raw, but it has potential.

    I do this kind of thing ... dump thoughts in a lose structured way ... then rework them into one or more poems.

    When I have done that, I leave it a day or so and then take the cliche axe to it. Generally I work it over a period of a few weeks (minimum depending on the length of the work) removing anything that sounds too high language or uses poets' language.

    Good luck.

    N

  5. #5
    IdTakeABulletForYou
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    I know
    I never got to do it on this poem Read the others, the links are on my signiature!
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  6. #6
    Smile samercury's Avatar
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    The kid in this poem is so... desperate- I like it though (I'm not a good critique)

  7. #7
    IdTakeABulletForYou
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    ME! It's a true story.
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  8. #8
    Smile samercury's Avatar
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    Thought so

  9. #9
    IdTakeABulletForYou
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    Yea. Me and my neighbors... well, yea...
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