Here's little something..
An American is visiting his friend in the UK. They're sightseeing and the British fellow points a building with his finger and starts rambling: "That is a perfect example of British architecture. You can clearly see our superiority..."
The American get a little ticked off and interrupts: "Oh, please. We have thousands of buildings like that in the States. Let me tell you, THOUSANDS."
The Brit replies: "Oh, that I'm sure of. It IS a mental hospital after all."
Last edited by Jouzou; 04-23-2007 at 05:15 PM.
Grab a cold one and get over it...
An office worker, Jack, is going thru severe burnout and wants a break but all his vacation is used up. He gets an idea that if he acts weird maybe he can get some free time off. So he rigs up a pole, hangs from the ceiling and declares to the blond receptionist nearby that he is a lightbulb.
His supervisor promptly appears and decides he has been working poor Jack a bit too much and suggests taking the week off to 'rest'. Jack smiles to himself and quickly gathers up his hat and coat and prepares to leave. However the receptionist also gets her gear together to leave and when asked by the supervisor "Why are you leaving?" she replies:
"Well I can't work in the dark."
No blonds were verbally injured during the recital of this stolen joke from my co-worker.
Rich (but I'm really poor)
Last edited by mtpspur; 12-09-2006 at 03:53 AM. Reason: Disclaimer--I really like brunettes
Joe lives in a village and wants to move to a big city to live easier and be richer. So he calls his cousin from a big city to find him a job, not too hard but well paid. The cousin finds him a job in a zoo. He is to put on the fur of a monkey and to sit in a cage pretending he is a monkey. After a few days, they bring another monkey to the zoo. Joe looks at him and notices something strange, so he takes off his fur when there were no visitors in the zoo and looks at the new monkey. The new one starts to laugh and Joe asks: "Is it you, Willy?"
...........
“All" human beings "by nature desire to know.” ― Aristotle
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
Worst joke of our decade:
What kind of fruit should be an actor? Citrus, because citrus has o-range.
A man comes to a doctor and says. "Doctor, help me! I am very depressed. I suffer from being unseen." The doctor looks to the door and shouts: "Next!"
...........
“All" human beings "by nature desire to know.” ― Aristotle
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
A man gets a huge amount of money and he takes his friends to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate it. They take a menu and order the most extraordaniry meals, but one of them orders cooked beans.
Lesson of this joke: There is no lesson, there is a question: When in an unrealistic situation, why do some people rather choose to be realistic and ignore all the fantastic possibilites the situation offers to them?
...........
“All" human beings "by nature desire to know.” ― Aristotle
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
An old couple went over to their friends house for dinner. The women went into the kitchen, and the men were talking.
"So," the host asks, "Where was that place that you went for vacation?"
The guest stops to think. "What's that flower called? It's red and has thorns..."
"Rose?" asks the host.
"Yeah!" he turns and calls into the kitchen, "Rose? Where did we go for vacation?"
Funn-eee!Originally Posted by DATo
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
A women tapes a one dollar bill to her belly button and shows her friend. Her friend says "what is that?"
She replies "All you can eat under a buck."
And then she stopped acting and starting singing. Wait what? Okay this wasn't part of the joke.
Do these have to be original, or can they be reiterations of old "classics"? If the latter is so, here's one I first heard at least 40 years ago from a guest on the Tonight Show, when Johnny Carson was still the host:
All his life a guy wanted to be an actor. He spent years studying the craft, went on all kinds of auditions, never getting a call back. But he was determined to keep his dream alive.
One day a friend got him a tiny part, just a walk-on with a single line: "Hark! is that a cannon I hear?"The guy was thrilled. He spent weeks re-hearsing the line: "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" "Hark! is that a cannon I hear?"
Finally, opening night. The guy comes on stage as he anxiously awaits his debut. Suddenly --KA-POW! and he yells, "What the hell was THAT?"
Last edited by AuntShecky; 04-01-2014 at 05:29 PM. Reason: those pesky line breaks again
GREAT ONE AUNTIE !!!! Loved it ! .... Still laughing/
HaPpY Easter AUNT SHECKY !!!
Three people attempt to enter the Pearly gates but are stopped by St. Peter.
ST. PETER - "In order to come in you must each describe the events pertaining to Easter."
Ist PERSON - "Well Easter is all about giving presents and putting decorations on a tree and .... "
ST. PETER - "No, that's Christmas." Entry Denied.
2nd PERSON - "Easter is like , ya know dude, when you lose a tooth and you put it under your pillow and then ...."
ST. PETER - "No no no, you're thinking of the Tooth Fairy." Entry Denied.
3rd PERSON - "It started when Jesus was crucified."
ST. PETER - "YES ?!"
3rd PERSON - "And then he was placed in a tomb."
ST. PETER - "YES YES !!!!???"
3rd PERSON - "And on the third day the stone which was placed at the entry was rolled away from the tomb by angels."
ST. PETER - "YES YES YES ????!!!!???"
3rd PERSON - "And Jesus emerged from the tomb, saw his shadow, went back in, and there were 6 more weeks of winter."
A man in a bar lifts his glass and says "We're here to celebrate, stand next to the person who helped you get through life!"
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Why can't women park cars?
Coz their partners keep telling them this -----) is eight inches!
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
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