Slightly bemused by this lack of direction

[Koa]

(in the title you might recognise a line from a Placebo song)

Do you ever feel like you don't know which direction to take... like there are too many things you want to do and you don't really know how, or which one to choose or what to do first... It's so confusing.

It's not surprising as this is a kind of state many people feel at the end of their studies, but it's really stressful.
I've finished my exams, I need to write a final paper which I want to be ready by November to get into the graduation session of late November (which actually mean I should be doing more about it...). But I already feel a complete void under my feet. I'm looking for a job from Septemeber till after I graduate, I don't want already a job which is 'forever' because I want to do many things after my graduation.
I want to apply for a trainee abroad thingy, then I want to see if I find some more trainees abroad, or stuff like that, to spend some periods abroad, in various places, then I want to find a job of pretty much any sort in England and see if I can survive there and consequently look for a better job...
But this gets all so mixed in my mind, what should I do first, what if I get stuck here for longer than I planned and then I get too old to apply for some things... I feel I want to do everything and now, I can't see myself doing the same thing in the same place for more than a few months, and at the same time I wonder if this is really what I want or just a dream...
I could study more if I wanted, but at the moment I have no motivation for it... student life is great, but I'm old enough to take my responsibilities and find a real job... otherwise I'll be a student till I'm 30 and not do all the things I mentioned above. I don't exclude starting my studies again at some point in my life, but not within the next year at least.
These days I'm sort of feeling like University was a waste of time. I'm about to graduate in English & Russian, though my Russian is still poor and I'll never be fluent in it and I don't care about it that much anymore... I want to live in England, so chances are that I'll end up forgetting Russian anyway... I started that thinking I was doing it for myself first, but the enthusiasm and interest I had when I started are pretty much gone. I want to learn more langauges and more things but I don't want to study & study & study... Maybe if I hadnt spent 4 years (including a wasted one) at University now I'd have more time to pursue my dreams, but at the same time at 19-20 I didnt feel ready to take some steps like that anyway...

Ok I just felt like venting the weird feeling of confusion that I feel... I just don't know what will be next, and how exactly I want it to be and how to make it be... and what I really want to do in my life Probably nothing extraordinary, but it really feels like there are no certainties left...

[Scheherazade]

Hi Koa,

Seems like you are going through the 'graduation pains' When you graduate from university, things change so much, so quickly. You are not supposed to a student anymore and become this 'grown up' with a regular job (in most cases a permanent one). Just the sheer number of options available to one at that point in life can be intimidating. When I was graduating, I wasn't sure at what level I wanted to teach and, like you, wanted to do other things as well before 'settling down'. Luckily, I managed to get a scholarship for the MA (I couldn't afford it without the scholarship) I really wanted to do and did not have to struggle for too long.

Once you start taking action in the direction you would like to go, things will be easier to deal with. Just like anything else, 'one step at a time' is a good motto! Good luck with everything!

[Koa]

Eheh thanks...yes I know it's absolutely normal and in a way nowadays we are so lucky to have so many options and possibilities... it's so hard to choose. My mum always tells me that I want too many things and maybe not all of them will really take me somewhere... so she'd prefer it if I was more practical but I'm the least practical person ever... And in a way, I struggled to finish Uni quickly to have more chances and do things I want... so maybe I can afford a couple of years of hanging around jobs and places... but it's not so easy to make things real I think...

btw, Scher, what's the MA?

[Scheherazade]

MA = Master of Arts

I think it is a good idea to try different things job-wise especially if you are not sure what you would like to do. Although I taught part-time as well, I worked at an Embassy after my graduation for about 2 years, which was a brilliant experience but I could not cope with its stress and busy schedule later on. I wasn't even thinking about working at an Embassy but a friend insisted that we should both apply; we wrote our CVs in couple of hours (we didn't have much to put in as you can imagine! ) and three days later, we were both offered jobs!

[Bianca Fransen]

.. but it really feels like there are no certainties left...

Wow Koa, I admire you for: 1) finishing your studies (I did not) and 2) not jumping into the first job you can get.. but really trying to set new goals and think about what your dreams and ambitions are. For letting yourself feel this uncertainty without letting it effect you in just going for something (anything) certain.
I started working during my time at the University and chose my steady job over finishing school. Not the wisest of choices, though I have not regretted it. First I thought my four years studying were wasted.. but now I am not so sure. Even though I am not working in the same field, I still think about the things I learned at the University almost every week. And I have enjoyed my time there .
And one thing I have also learned (from seeing close friends who are about twice my age) - it is never too late to change direction. Trial and error has always worked well for me .

[Koa]

I think it is a good idea to try different things job-wise especially if you are not sure what you would like to do. Although I taught part-time as well, I worked at an Embassy after my graduation for about 2 years, which was a brilliant experience but I could not cope with its stress and busy schedule later on. I wasn't even thinking about working at an Embassy but a friend insisted that we should both apply; we wrote our CVs in couple of hours (we didn't have much to put in as you can imagine! ) and three days later, we were both offered jobs!

Wow, I'm going to apply for a trainee in embassies or cultural institutes... I think there are good chances for me to enjoy it. Though the selection is famous for being quite hard, not many places and it's on a national basis...

Bianca, I sometimes feel a bit spoilt for having all these chances... I've never worked more than 2-3 months a year while studying, which I'm not proud of, but I've focused on finishing Uni as quickly as I could (and, apart from the year I wasted on a wrong choice , I've been as quick as I wanted), cos I know people who missed exams because of work, and I feel lucky cos I never needed to cos my parents dont mind providing I'm a good student... But now in September I want to look for a part time job while I write my paper, cos I'd just feel too useless otherwise, as I feel in these days (though it's actually true that I'll have all my life to work, so 3 weeks of idling are not the biggest crime)...but I'm scared of getting into something that will keep me stuck here for too long... I saw a possibility to apply for a thing, but it would be 1 year and that will be too long (and doesnt even pay well), but again, sometimes I think maybe I should be more responsible and just get a random job and do that like everybody does... I'm 23, sometimes it feels I'm too old to be a lazy student, sometimes it feels that I'm young enough to choose my steps - maybe one day I won't be able to if I'll be pressed by problems so maybe better enjoy freedom of choice while it lasts...

[Bianca Fransen]

I'm going to apply for a trainee in embassies or cultural institutes... I think there are good chances for me to enjoy it. Though the selection is famous for being quite hard, not many places and it's on a national basis...

That sounds really good and right for you.. Great choice.

I've never worked more than 2-3 months a year while studying

Haha.. You make it sound as if I am a hardworking person.. whereas if truth be told I just did some easy jobs to finance expensive hobbies and vacations. I also have parents who then provided for me.. and I had a rich boyfriend. Money went to dinners, weekends away.. and I don't even know what anymore. It was fun.. But it was no example of "responsible adult behaviour".. just of me always wanting more than I have .

I've focused on finishing Uni as quickly as I could

But now in September I want to look for a part time job

Can be fun. I liked and still like working. Especially if my colleagues are cool ...But if you don't need to you could also use your time to idle a bit. Will be a wonderful oppurtunity (don't know how to spell this).. because I think that once you start working and stuff.. it is more difficult to take some time out of the 'rat race' and think about what really matters to you. Though working does not have to exclude the 'thinking-part', I must admit . I see friends around me who work and still think quite a lot .

as I feel in these days

Ouch, that is not a very pleasant feeling

sometimes I think maybe I should be more responsible and just get a random job and do that like everybody does...

Don't. It is your life. There is only one 'Life of Koa'...

sometimes it feels I'm too old to be a lazy student

Yes, dreadfully old

[Koa]

sometimes it feels I'm too old to be a lazy student, sometimes it feels that I'm young enough to choose my steps - maybe one day I won't be able to if I'll be pressed by problems so maybe better enjoy freedom of choice while it lasts...

I was thinking that it's all a question of who you have around... All of my best friends either work after quitting their studies, or have always worked and studied at the same time... so I've always felt guilty for being only a student, even if my parents don't mind.
Last night instead, I've been with a few people who study and have already decided that they'll go on with their studies after the 3-year-degree, and I don't think they work as well, or maybe they work sometimes like I do... Maybe if they were my friends I'd be more motivated in studying more...
I've always seen myself studying as long as possible, cos it's the only thing I can do well... But now I really have no interest in it at all, and I want to make experiences... So I feel it's ok to quit the studies after my 1st degree...there's always time to resume later and make experiences in the meantime... It's all so confusing.

Another stupid doubt I have is... well I've always thought that I want to leave just after the graduation, and I could apply for one thing that starts in january...but now I actually want to be here in February to...well, go to a concert that's really important to me. But that will mean being stuck here for a few more months probably... It feels stupid to belate my life plans for a music band, but on the other hand I'm really into their music - better to say: art - and their concerts are big events ... Sure they're touring elsewhere but if I don't know, or I'm not sure, where I'll be, it's rather hard to get the tickets or plan to go back here...

Life is weird, isn't it? I want too much... I'm in a 'crisis' cos I have too much, too many possibilities...sort of unfair to those who don't have all these chances...
(but ok, in other fields - I dont need to mention which one - of life I'm the one who has nothing so I guess that the wheels turn )

[fayefaye]

Life is weird, isn't it? I want too much... I'm in a 'crisis' cos I have too much, too many possibilities...sort of unfair to those who don't have all these chances...

I know exactly what you mean.... and it's almost like you can feel guilty for feeling bad that you don't know what you want when other people don't even have a choice.

(are we condemned to be free?)