Contrary to what many people think on first glance, The Devil's Dictionary (a.k.a. The Cynic's Word Book) by Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) has no affiliation with the devil or Satanism.
I purchased this book years ago, introduced to me first by a former English instructor, but I still retrieve it now and then from my bookshelf for a few hearty pessimistic laughs. Additionally, I should also mention its availability on this site: http://www.online-literature.com/bie...ilsdictionary/
Please, feel free to share some of your favorite "definitions." A few of mine:
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.Forgetfulness, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Ætna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.Pedestrian, n. The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.President, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom – and of whom only – it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.Slang, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.
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Originally Posted by starrwriter
Why don't you write books people can read? -Nora Barnacle 
