The eve of Christmas
And throughout the house
Not a creature was stirring
-except for the seven ugly friggin' monsters
Dwelling in the cellar
Know what I'm sayin'!?
The stockings hung by the chimney
Though filled with some hefty solid objects
Weren't really going to be much protection
The fire pokers were about the only thing
That could be reasonably used as weapons
But really, up against the scaly one and the slimy one
And the hairy one, and the maggoty one...
You get the picture
So whose fault is this? Whoever built the house
Over a portal to Hell? Or whoever forgot to lock the door
Which simple act had kept them at bay for these many years
Anyway damage done and the creeps were free to lurk and devour Santa's cake and biscuits and scull his lemonade
Which they did
Awoken by the kitchen clangour resounding
Up the stairwell
I leapt from the warmth of my blankets to investigate the ruckus
I was confronted with a mess, worse than usual - they'd ripped open the presents and knocked the Christmas tree over
Now I'd spent many minutes wrapping and decorating these things so my annoyance quickly rose to anger
Grabbing the pokers I stormed into the kitchen where I found the culprits gorging themselves on the contents of my fridge
Don't they feed them down there?
I whacked one on the back of his head and he appeared
Taken aback a bit before remembering his station
Uh oh
His eyes grew redder and he growled a bloodcurdling roar
Instinctively I thrust the poker into his open mouth
Which seemed to do the trick because he dropped to his knees
And then fell face forward
One down six to go
As a fungusy one lurched at me I jumped to grab the skillet
And slammed it into his head
The odds were going my way
I picked up whatever else was at hand
Kitchen knives and cleavers
Next was the severance of the tentacles and talons
The deft removal of fangs
I dispatched one after the other like there was no tomorrow
Which may have been the case if they'd had their way
I cleaned up the blood and guts before the cops arrived
Monsters need to learn not to mess with hostile humans
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Merry Christmas !!!
