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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 309

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 309

    OLD AGE SUCKS # 1

    I sat down on a park bench
    So, I could pull up my socks
    Sadly, I wasnít wearing any
    God getting old really sucks

    I KNOW IíM GETTING OLD # 4

    I know Iím getting old
    In the most fundamental of ways
    When children ask me
    What it was like in the olden days

    DIFFERENCES # 2

    There is definitely a difference,
    So please make no mistake,
    Between crisps and a condom
    One of them you salt and shake

    WHEN YOU ARE WRITING A STORY

    When you are writing a story
    About losing your virginity
    Please do one thing for certain
    And put it in the first person

    FOLLOW THE LIGHT

    When I died, I headed
    Towards the light
    Slow and steady
    But it turned out
    Iíd been reincarnated
    As a moth already

    WHEN LOBSTERS ARE APART

    When Lobsters are apart
    So as not to feel alone
    They regularly keep in touch
    On the Shellular phone

    DEMENTIA

    I think my grandparents
    Are suffering from dementia
    Because granddad asked my gran
    As they sat together on the sofa
    ďWhatever happened
    To our sexual relations dear?Ē
    And the answer she gave
    Is what gave me cause to fear
    ďI donít know, we didnít even get
    A Christmas card from them this yearĒ

    FLY AND THE SPIDER

    Why oh why
    Did the fly, fly?
    Because the spider
    Spied her

    REMEMBER YOUR VOTE COUNTS

    Remember your vote counts
    In a Democracy
    But your Count votes
    In a feudal society
    THE WARRIOR WAS REWARDED

    The warrior was rewarded
    For his performance in the arena
    When he was given a young woman
    From the temple of Vesta
    Who he happily devoured,
    And afterwards he was Gladiator

    I AM FAT AND MY GOAL IS TO SLIM DOWN

    I am fat and my goal is to slim down
    To a healthy weight that my heart can afford
    But for now, my ambition is to put
    Half a box of chocolates back in the cupboard

    FOGHORN LEGHORN WORKS OUT

    Foghorn Leghorn works out
    And gives his muscles a flex
    As he keeps himself in shape
    And concentrates on his pecks

    EPIC LOVE TALES

    The tale is about
    Epic loves, to cut a long
    Story short Ė the end

    CROMWELL AND THE KING

    ďI do apologizeĒ Cromwell said
    To King Charles the first, before
    Having him beheaded on the block
    ďDonít mention itĒ the King replied
    ďI regret Iím the cause of this chore
    Then both men bowed to the other
    But it was after all, the Civil War

    DESICCATED WIFE

    Henry the Eight desiccated his dead wife
    Though she had always been a paragon,
    Then she was finely chopped and put in a jar
    And thatís the tale of Catherine of tarragon

    JULIUS CAESAR

    Julius Caesar
    Julius deflowers her
    Julius dumps her

    THE BRIDE TO BE WAS AT THE POULTRY FARM

    The bride to be was at the Poultry farm
    Watching the birds scratching and pecking
    And she was absolutely raging, because
    It wasnít the hen night she was expecting

    LILY DIED

    Lily died as she wouldnít give up wheat
    Which was the death of her
    But she didnít have an allergy
    She was killed by a Combine harvester

    MY GREAT GRANDFATHER NEVER

    My Great Grandfather never
    Threw anything away in his decade
    Which was a shame really
    As he was killed by a hand grenade

    A DISILLUSIONED VET WROTE A BOOK

    A disillusioned vet wrote a book
    And it is a real kiss and tell
    About his life and times, entitled
    All creatures grunt and smell

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    I enjoyed those.

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