21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 437
Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
But when he sobered up
He was miserable git
WHEN I WAS IN A WRITING TEAM
When I was in a writing team
We was write a gag and get a laugh
Now it’s just me and a word processor
And it's hard to make the bastard laugh
I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 3
I discovered my favourite duck was sick
Unfortunately, he had a monkey on his back
It turned out he used a multitude of drugs
But his favourite drug of choice was Quack
SHE WANTED HIM TO CARRY HER UPSTAIRS
She wanted him to carry her upstairs
Before he made love to her
But he refused to do it because
He was the lighthouse keeper
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
Anakin Skywalker
Uses electronic cigarettes
So the Jedi earned the
Darth Vaper epithet
CELEBRITY CHEESE
Jay Z has a favourite cheese
I fancy
And if I’m not mistaken
It’s Brieoncé
I’D DO ANYTHING
“I’d do anything” how apt a title
A motto for the wannabee
A catch phrase for the starstruck
And all those lacking dignity
A WEASEL WALKED INTO THE SALOON BAR
A weasel walked into the saloon bar
Of the Fox and Beagle
“What can I get you?” asked the barman
“Pop” Goes the weasel
CLUNK CLICK
Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
SITTING BULL’S WIFE WAS CALLED FOUR HORSES
Sitting Bull’s wife was called Four Horses
A beautiful name, but there was a snag
The reason she was given that name was
Because she would nag nag nag and nag
THE POLLEN COUNT
The pollen count,
Is a really difficult endeavour
Made especially so,
Because I suffer from hay fever
THE FIRST MAN TO PEE
The first man to pee
On the Moon
Was Buzz Aldrin
But in view of that
He should be called
Wizz Aldrin
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 8
It’s true to say as you get older
Your youth you possible may regain
For someday you will be old enough
To start reading fairy tales again
I WENT TO THE LOCAL APIARY
I went to the local apiary
To buy a dozen bees
But they gave me thirteen
The extra one was a freebee
EVENTUALLY YOU WILL REACH A POINT
Eventually you will reach a point,
And I’m there I must admit,
Where I’ve stopped lying about my age
And started bragging about it
WHEN OLDER PERFORMERS DON’T START THEIR ACT
When older performers don’t start their act
But begin by telling you their age instead
The crowd goes wild, but what the audience
Is applauding them for is not being dead
HE GASPED AS HER HAIR CASCADED DOWN
Her hair cascaded down
And he gasped at the sight
But then it was winter,
So not waxing was alright
DIMINUTIVE HEROINE OF KING KONG
Diminutive Heroine of King Kong
The Queen of Scream, Fay Wray
Was beauty to King Kong’s beast
And was Queen of the B’s in her day
LAST NIGHT I ASKED A SEX WORKER
Last night I asked a sex worker
“What do you charge for a handy?”
She replied “Roughly 50 quid”
I winced and replied “And gently?”
GETTING ON # 10
I think I must really be getting old
And I don’t mean just a little bit
Because my car has the ability
To move itself from where I parked it