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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 294

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 294

    ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 2

    If a cheese likes to drink
    And its dependence is clear
    It has a drinking problem
    And will go by the name Morbier

    BEST BEFORE 1980 # 7

    I think I may be past my best
    Because I popped out to get milk
    And return home two hours later
    With a tin of paint and no milk

    OLD BUZZARD

    I have come to the conclusion
    Which is quite worrying
    That although my sex life isn’t dead
    The buzzards are definitely circling

    GET YOUR DANDER UP

    When some one annoys you
    And you want to have a go
    When your hackles go up
    Firstly count to ten or so

    But if they get under your skin
    And you want to let rip
    And you feel your temples throb
    Firstly just bite your lip

    But if all else has failed
    And you do lose your temper
    Keep your words soft and sweet
    In case you have to eat them later

    CULTURE VULTURE

    Isn’t culture wonderful?
    Music, theatre, poetry
    Something for everyone
    To feel or hear or see
    The performing arts
    I particularly like poetry
    Especially poetry readings
    With the writer at the mic
    I go to festivals and slams
    From time to time
    I like to go to a recital
    And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme

    THE PHRASE RAGS TO RICHES

    The phrase “Rags to riches”
    Is a very interesting idiom
    As historically garments went
    From the Rich to the ragged

    MY SON REALLY HURT HIS ARM

    My son really hurt his arm
    The Doc said “there no harm
    Done” I insisted he Humour us
    And check out the Humerous

    MEETING BENEATH THE CLOCK

    Beneath the clock, I waited expectantly
    Awaiting my blind date, a little nervously
    He’s late but I don’t mind, at least not yet,
    No doubt he’ll have a good reason, I bet.

    He’s here at last and only an hour late
    A good-looking man so worth the wait?
    Clear blue eyes and his smile is terrific
    Oh but his breath could stop the traffic
    Nobody’s perfect and he has a kind face
    And he’s booked at an exclusive place

    The restaurant looks fine, very expensive,
    Alas appearances were definitely deceptive
    The food was poor, and service shambolic
    His conversation dull and monosyllabic
    Drinking to excess and slobbering food
    His table manners nothing short of rude

    His drinking drove me around the bend
    I couldn’t wait for the evening to end
    The bill arrived and I was asked to pay half
    I replied flatly “you’re having a laugh”
    He leapt to his feet exploding with fury
    But fell backwards into the shrubbery
    I threw him a look of contempt and disdain
    Embarrassed, I left saying “never again”
    And “of course a blind date would go amiss,
    I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this”

    ARE YOU WEARING A COCKADE HAT?

    Are you wearing a cockade hat?
    With red, white and blue on
    I hope you’re going to a party
    And you don’t think you’re Napoleon

    NOT BEING PREVIOUS

    For those who don’t believe
    In sex before marriage
    Those who want the horse
    Before the carriage
    I should point out
    It isn't premarital sex per se”
    If there is no intention
    Of having a wedding day

    SEX WITHOUT LOVE

    Sex without love
    Is a meaningless experience you know
    I think you’ll agree
    But as meaningless experiences go
    Sex without love
    Is pretty bloody marvelous though

    HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN

    What do you call an intelligent?
    Good looking and sensitive man?
    The most obvious answer would be
    Call him whenever you can
    But this question is more to do with humour
    Because this man is gay or just a rumour

    BE ALERT

    On public transport
    You are reminded constantly
    To be alert and vigilant
    And report suspicious things you see

    But if I saw something
    That might be construed suspicious
    I wouldn’t know what I’d do
    As I don’t like to make a fuss

    But what constitutes suspicious
    Is it unattended packages
    Or people behaving furtively
    Or just hanging around for ages

    Traveling home late on the train
    One night before Christmas
    I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
    Should I report that as suspicious?

    GETTING ON # 9

    I am defiantly getting old
    And I am not alright with that
    So when I’m asked my age
    I say I’m forty nine plus vat

    DO LAZY PEOPLE EXERCISE

    Do lazy people exercise?
    I happen to think probably not
    But if they did something
    It would be a Diddly-squat

    I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN

    I said I wanted to be a comedian
    And my wife laughed, the rotten cow
    Well I have become a comedian
    And I can say that no one’s laughing now

    TODAY I ADDED INSULT ONTO INJURY

    Today I added insult onto injury
    To a recovering paragliding enthusiast
    As they lay motionless in Casualty
    When I wrote something rude on his cast

    FORTUNATELY YOU HAVE TWO HANDS

    Fortunately, you have two hands
    And hopefully you’ll discover,
    One is for helping yourself,
    And one is for helping others

    I JUST HAD A SENIOR MOMENT

    I just had a senior moment
    When I mentioned to my friend Betty
    That when I got the chance
    I needed to phone my friend Betty

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 436

    Ring a ring o' roses,
    A pocketful of posies
    Atishoo! Atishoo!
    Catch it, bin it, kill it

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Interesting collection this. My favorite lines:
    "I go to festivals and slams
    From time to time
    I like to go to a recital
    And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme"

    I don't quite understand "I say I’m forty nine plus vat" - perhaps a U.K. colloquialism ? (I'm only 1/2-Brit from the wrong side of the pond)

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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