21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 435
Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
But when he sobered up
He was an arsehole
MIDDLE EASTERN CHEESE
Two thousand years ago
Cheese making beganeth
In Judea, which we know as
The Cheeses of Nazareth
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 6
Old people can safely ignore
Organic foods with no regret
Simply because they need
All the preservatives they can get
FUN GUY OR FUNGI
In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you
BROWSING SENIOR
You know you are old when
You greet, with absolute delight
The statutory offer for you
To accept cookies on a new website
ROWS OF RUSSIAN DOLLS
Rows of Russian Dolls
Were lined up on the shelves
I really hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
GO SOUTH
Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun
To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already
COLD SHOULDER
Always remember
You should never go to bed
On a cross word
After angry things are said
It’s more sensible
Not to go to bed angry, when
You can stay up
And calmly plot your revenge
BUYING A COMB FOR A BALD MAN
Buying a comb for a bald man
Is clearly the act of a misfit
It’s the unkindest gift of all
Which he’ll never part with it
I HAD A VERY DISTURBING DREAM LAST NIGHT
I had a very disturbing dream last night
Which I awoke from in some distress
I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper
You might say I had been dicing with death
THE INLAND REVENUE KEEP WRITING TO ME
The Inland Revenue keep writing to me
Demanding that I pay or go to prison
But I don’t owe them a penny because
I now live by the seaside at Weston
I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP # 2
I want to die peacefully in my sleep
Like my Great Aunt Jane
And not screaming in terror
Like the passenger on her plane
MY WIFE AND I HAD AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE
My wife and I had an active sex life
And we used to like to experiment
But those days are now long gone
As SM now means Senior Moment
BODY IMAGE
I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomach
Obscures the view of them
THE CAT AND THE SQUIRREL
Look at me, the young cat purred
Look I am a very clever kitty
I am a huntress to be admired
I’ve caught a Squirrel as big as me
I deserve a treat for my cleverness
I’ve this trophy for you to see
And you need never know
It fell out of a tree
I HAD A FRIEND WHO VEHEMENTLY OPPOSED
I had a friend who vehemently opposed
All forms of parental discipline
Which was all well and good until she snapped
And put her son in a rubbish bin
TIME IS UP
To my chest my hands I clasp
I deeply breathe, I wheeze and gasp
My temples throb, my mouth is dry
My heart beats fast, I’m going to die
My voice has gone, my throat is sore
My hands both shake, I can take no more
I lay my head, upon my knee
Now blow the whistle Referee
FASHION POLICE
After years of fret and worry
About what I should be wearing
And the pressures of looking good
I have decided there’s no point in caring
All the advice from fashion gurus
Do wear this don’t wear that
Choosing clothes which flatter
Avoid things that make me look fat
After all the fashion tips I’ve had
I’ve decided that enough is enough
I’ve realized it’s not what you wear
But rather it’s how you take it off
I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 3
I got a bargain on a load of steak
But the guy turned out to be a spiv
Five lorry loads of horse steak
Is what I’ve been saddled with
GETTING ON # 8
When they finally reach old age
Men chase golf balls
Because they’re too old to chase
Anything else at all
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