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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 293

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 293

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 435

    Old King Cole
    Was a merry old soul,
    But when he sobered up
    He was an arsehole

    MIDDLE EASTERN CHEESE

    Two thousand years ago
    Cheese making beganeth
    In Judea, which we know as
    The Cheeses of Nazareth

    BEST BEFORE 1980 # 6

    Old people can safely ignore
    Organic foods with no regret
    Simply because they need
    All the preservatives they can get

    FUN GUY OR FUNGI

    In my long life
    I have found this to be true
    Ex husbands are like thrush
    They keep coming back to you

    BROWSING SENIOR

    You know you are old when
    You greet, with absolute delight
    The statutory offer for you
    To accept cookies on a new website

    ROWS OF RUSSIAN DOLLS

    Rows of Russian Dolls
    Were lined up on the shelves
    I really hate Russian dolls
    Theyíre so full of themselves

    GO SOUTH

    Now Iím getting on
    The time has come
    As winter approaches
    To head towards the sun

    To head south for the winter
    Like the ducks before me
    But itís with regret I have to say
    Some of me is headed there already

    COLD SHOULDER

    Always remember
    You should never go to bed
    On a cross word
    After angry things are said
    Itís more sensible
    Not to go to bed angry, when
    You can stay up
    And calmly plot your revenge

    BUYING A COMB FOR A BALD MAN

    Buying a comb for a bald man
    Is clearly the act of a misfit
    Itís the unkindest gift of all
    Which heíll never part with it

    I HAD A VERY DISTURBING DREAM LAST NIGHT

    I had a very disturbing dream last night
    Which I awoke from in some distress
    I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper
    You might say I had been dicing with death

    THE INLAND REVENUE KEEP WRITING TO ME

    The Inland Revenue keep writing to me
    Demanding that I pay or go to prison
    But I donít owe them a penny because
    I now live by the seaside at Weston

    I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP # 2

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep
    Like my Great Aunt Jane
    And not screaming in terror
    Like the passenger on her plane

    MY WIFE AND I HAD AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE

    My wife and I had an active sex life
    And we used to like to experiment
    But those days are now long gone
    As SM now means Senior Moment

    BODY IMAGE

    I am not perfect
    My figure is not the best
    Some bits I really hate
    But I do quite like my breasts
    I have flabby thighs,
    Which I would happily condemn
    But fortunately my stomach
    Obscures the view of them

    THE CAT AND THE SQUIRREL

    Look at me, the young cat purred
    Look I am a very clever kitty
    I am a huntress to be admired
    Iíve caught a Squirrel as big as me
    I deserve a treat for my cleverness
    Iíve this trophy for you to see
    And you need never know
    It fell out of a tree

    I HAD A FRIEND WHO VEHEMENTLY OPPOSED

    I had a friend who vehemently opposed
    All forms of parental discipline
    Which was all well and good until she snapped
    And put her son in a rubbish bin

    TIME IS UP

    To my chest my hands I clasp
    I deeply breathe, I wheeze and gasp
    My temples throb, my mouth is dry
    My heart beats fast, Iím going to die
    My voice has gone, my throat is sore
    My hands both shake, I can take no more
    I lay my head, upon my knee
    Now blow the whistle Referee

    FASHION POLICE

    After years of fret and worry
    About what I should be wearing
    And the pressures of looking good
    I have decided thereís no point in caring

    All the advice from fashion gurus
    Do wear this donít wear that
    Choosing clothes which flatter
    Avoid things that make me look fat

    After all the fashion tips Iíve had
    Iíve decided that enough is enough
    Iíve realized itís not what you wear
    But rather itís how you take it off

    I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 3

    I got a bargain on a load of steak
    But the guy turned out to be a spiv
    Five lorry loads of horse steak
    Is what Iíve been saddled with

    GETTING ON # 8

    When they finally reach old age
    Men chase golf balls
    Because theyíre too old to chase
    Anything else at all

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    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    A bittersweet collection.

    Be well,

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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