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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 292

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 292

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 434

    There was an old woman of Leeds,
    Who spent her time in widows’ weeds;
    She mourned for her team
    And premier league dream
    This hopeful old woman of Leeds!

    CHEESE DYNASTY

    The dynasty of the Worlds
    Richest cheese is built on
    Family values and the daughter
    Of that dynasty is Paris Stilton

    BEST BEFORE 1980 # 5

    I spend half an hour searching
    for my glasses beside the bed
    Only to discover find that they
    were on the top of my head

    USE AS DIRECTED

    If you should confuse your valium
    With your birth control pills, beware
    You’ll end up with sixteen kids
    But I don’t suppose you’ll care

    POTATOES ARE A STAPLE

    Potatoes are a staple
    On St Patrick’s Day
    And mashed potatoes
    Are just Irish Guacamole

    I BECAME VERY FRUSTRATED TODAY

    I became very frustrated today
    When repeatedly told to press any key
    Because on my computer keyboard
    I can confirm there is no “any” key

    MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT

    There is a natural order in life
    There are rules to be understood
    For example, bearing children
    There is a time limit on motherhood
    The term “childbearing years”
    Was coined for a very simple reason
    So that everything in life
    Can have its time and season
    A Woman over fifty is ill equipped
    To show a baby proper care
    As she would put the baby down
    And then forget where

    SWEET MYSTERY

    For Valentine’s Day
    My husband, so sweet
    Bought handmade chocolates
    For me as a treat
    In a flower covered box
    Came the delicious confection
    But I am at a loss to answer
    A most curious question
    How can two pounds of chocs
    So delicious on the lips
    Manage in just one night
    To put 5lbs on my hips

    SENIOR HIGH

    I haven’t felt myself lately
    The symptoms seldom vary
    Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
    And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
    My son said as a matter of fact
    He has to smoke two joints to feel like that

    AGES OF MAN

    You were once a good boy
    Mummy’s pride and joy
    Then you grew into a nice kid
    Because of the things you did
    Then you progressed to be a great guy
    It just happened you don’t know why
    Then you arrived and were a fine man
    Just in time for your retirement plan
    And if only that was the end of it
    But no you grew into an old git

    THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 3

    The meat markets are busy
    Take a look if you’re able
    Some meat prices fluctuate
    But Horse remains stable

    I HAVE A DIFFICULTY WITH HEDGEHOGS

    I have a difficulty with Hedgehogs
    I know it’s a strange thing to declare
    It’s just a hedge, so I find it very hard
    To understand why they can’t share?

    INSIDE EVERY SINGLE RUSSIAN DOLL

    Inside every single Russian Doll
    There are even more Russian Dolls
    If you listen, you can hear them shout
    As they scream in unison to be let out

    IT IS PERFECTLY CLEAR TO MOST OF US

    It is perfectly clear to most of us
    That atoms are the most conniving
    Deceitful and untrustworthy
    Because they make up everything

    BAD DRINKING HABIT

    I went out for a walk,
    Just round and about
    When I saw in a doorway
    An old down and out
    Drinking brake fluid
    From an old tin cup
    I stood for a moment
    And watched him sup
    “That stuff will kill you,
    Which would be a crime”
    “Don’t worry” he said
    “I can stop anytime”

    LOW TECH POLICING

    The police have now been issued, with pencils
    And very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech,
    It’s a brand-new initiative being rolled out, so that
    When crimes occur, they can trace the suspect

    WHENEVER I DO ANY DECORATING

    Whenever I do any decorating
    I always choose my stepladder
    And the simple reason for that is
    I don't get on with my real ladder

    AT THE DOCTORS SURGERY

    I went to my old Doctor’s place
    "I've hurt my arm in several places"
    I told him wincing from the pain
    He advised "well don't go there again"

    I REGULARLY MEET MY GIRLFRIEND

    I regularly meet my girlfriend
    For some, one to one time
    So, we have the familiar routine
    Of meeting up at 12:59

    GETTING ON # 7

    I’m not interested in retirement,
    It’s not what I want to pursue
    Listening to my arteries hardening
    As I sit and attempt to do Sudoku

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    "old git"... lol

    Another nice collection.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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