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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 291

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 291

    ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 1

    If a cheese is tempted to drink
    Too much, it should not
    Because if it does succumb
    It is at risk of Livarot

    BEST BEFORE 1980 # 4

    I use the phrase “the one from the tv”
    To describe actors or celebrities
    I also use it to describe what I’m looking
    At the supermarket or the Deli

    DAPHNE DUCK MARRIED

    Daphne Duck married
    Foghorn Leghorn
    And their child woke them
    At the quack of dawn

    THE FAMILY PORTRAIT

    My face has been washed clean
    And my hair is the best it’s been
    So I must smile and not fidget
    For the annoying photographer twit
    But when he asks “where’s the birdie”
    I will frown and look surly

    FENCED

    Uncle John the fence, has passed away
    And the news has left me feeling sorry
    But I have to say it was poetic justice
    Because he fell off the back of a lorry

    YOUNG JIMBO

    I got a rescue dog from Battersea
    And I called the puppy, Jimbo
    But he needed obedience classes
    Where they walked us to and fro

    When he needed to be at heel
    Jimbo almost always ran away
    Then he came bounding back
    When he was meant to sit and stay

    And when he walked on the lead
    I had to pull young Jimbo back
    Or he was round and round my feet
    Until I ended up lying on my back

    So we stopped going to the classes
    And I have a stick for him to chase
    I can forgive my Jimbo anything
    When he jumps up to lick my face

    HAIR CARE FOR MEN

    The great thing about being a man
    Is you can have the same hairstyle for years
    And waking in the morning with a mustache
    Doesn’t make you burst into tears
    But perhaps the best thing of all
    You only have to shave your facial hairs

    ACUMEN AND WOMEN

    A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
    But only when it’s something he needs
    A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
    Because it’s on sale and not out of need

    ARGUMENTATIVE

    The unwritten law states that a woman
    Has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man may say after that
    Is the beginning of a new argument

    OFFSPRING

    A woman knows all about her children
    She knows their likes and dislikes,
    Who their friends are and who they fancy
    There illness’s, ailments and allergies

    She knows the dates of all their matches
    Drop off and pick up, Home and away
    She knows about appointments for hospital
    As well as Doctor, optical and dental

    She know about their favourite foods
    And the things that make them sick
    She know what scares them and why
    And what makes them laugh and cry

    She knows all about their hopes and dreams
    And what they may look for in a spouse
    While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
    Of some short people living in the house.

    CRASH LOCATION

    On the M25 just beyond Dartford
    She lost control of her car and crashed
    Hitting the barrier with great force
    Then came rest with the car smashed
    It happened close to where she lived
    She was nearly home, not far to go
    But she sat trapped in her crumpled car
    Covered in blood from head to toe
    The paramedic attending the crash
    Examined her as a matter of urgency
    But apart from the blood covering her
    He was at a loss to find any injury
    “Where are you bleeding from?”
    He asked the girl in the battered Ford
    Slightly annoyed the girl responded
    “I’m from bleeding Romford”

    MY BROTHER DOES NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH

    My older brother does neighbourhood watch
    In his street and adjoining roads around there
    But he’s not keeping the neighbourhood safe
    He’s just by nature something of a voyeur

    I HAVE BEEN A KEEN SPORTS FAN

    I have been a keen sports fan
    For as long as I can remember
    And my father, since boyhood,
    Is an even bigger fan than me
    Having said that, there is an event
    That has frankly always puzzled us
    And that is the University Boat Race,
    Which takes place on the Thames,
    Between two coxed eight crews
    So not the most thrilling event
    But that’s not the puzzling part
    What puzzle’s us is the participants
    As it’s always Oxford and Cambridge
    So how do they always get to the final?

    THIRTEENTH SIGN OF THE ZODIAC

    There are more than twelve signs
    Of the Zodiac, and the thirteenth sign
    Of the astrological year is Pyrex,
    Which covers all twelve months
    But which house you were born in
    Has no relevance to your sign
    What qualifies you is the “how”
    Because to be born under Pyrex
    You have to be a test tube baby

    FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED

    Foghorn Leghorn crossed
    The Basketball Court
    Wearing a scowl
    Because he misunderstood
    When he heard the ref
    Had called a fowl

    MATERNAL KANGAROOS

    Maternal Kangaroos
    Hate a rainy day
    Because the kids
    Stay inside to play

    I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 2

    I got a bargain on a load of steak
    But the guy turned out to be a phoney
    Five lorry loads of horse steak
    But hey it only cost me a pony

    ONE OF THE FREEZERS BROKE DOWN

    One of the freezers broke down
    I’m worried for my stroganoff
    I’ve just checked the horse steaks
    And sadly, I think “they're off!”

    GETTING ON # 6

    Now I have reached old age
    And in the Autumn of my days
    Except for the odd heart attack
    I feel as young as I always

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 433

    Birds of a feather flock together,
    And so will pigs and swine;
    With kith and kin we have no choice,
    I certainly didn’t choose mine

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    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Many memorable chuckles and a guffaw or two

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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