CHEESE BITES
Even cannibals like cheese
After all it will always please
And their particular partiality
Is for Limburger obviously
THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 2
The meat markets are busy
I’d say you can’t go wrong
Horse meat prices are down
But they won’t be furlong
IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 3
It was pitiful to see the calibre
Of the new fast-tracked inspector
I would say he was about as much use
As rubber lips on a woodpecker
TAHOMA AND CALIBRI
Tahoma and Calibri walked into a bar
And were told, “you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
It’s just that we don't serve your type in here”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 432
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating Christmas pie
As he sat on his bum
He pulled out his thumb,
And poked himself in the eye
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 3
I was asked by a practising Buddhist
If I could remember any past lives
I replied I couldn’t confirm yesterday
Without consulting the archives
MY GIRLFRIEND WAS SACKED AS MODEL
My girlfriend was sacked as model
Because her popularity decreased
She was actually an underwear model
So she was more accurately, debriefed
A NEW BROOM SWEEPS CLEAN
A new broom sweeps clean
Is the old modest declaration
A new broom in today’s parlance
Would be sweeping the nation
IT’S OFFENSIVE TO OBJECTIFY
It’s offensive to objectify, even if it’s only sauce
What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce?
What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?
DON'T LOOK FOR A PARTNER WHO IS EYE CANDY
Don't look for a partner who is eye candy
It’s not about the way someone is viewed
The thing to do for a happy life together
Is to look for a partner who is soul food
GETTING ON # 5
You know you have reached old age
When name badges are obligatory
At any and all family gatherings,
Sunday Lunch and holidays especially
THE LAST THING DAD SAID
The last thing Dad said
Before kicking the bucket
Was “How far do you think
I can kick this bucket?”
OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED WITH A RUSH
Old age has definitely arrived with a rush
When you think you’re having a hot flush
But sadly, not for the first time, you forget
That you switched on the electric blanket
THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY
The Flat Earth Society
Is the subject of a major probe
As it emerged that they
Have members around the globe
ONE DAY OLD AGE WILL ARRIVE
One day old age will arrive
And leave you in despair
For example when your teeth
Are less white than your hair
SMALL BEER
When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife
She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over
I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me
I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow, I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake
MIDDLE AGED SEAT
I’m in my middle years now
And my new car is a wow
It’s fast, new and sporty
Just the opposite of me
It is sleekly lined
With its curves well defined
It has a nice interior
The leather is quite superior
My only complaint would be
The bucket seats you see
As they are made to the design
Of a smaller bucket than mine
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow
SENIOR JOINTS
If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead