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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 289

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 289

    UNSTABLE CHEESE

    The most unstable cheese
    Curdled and quackers
    Will appear quite sane
    In between two crackers

    IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A SPACE PARTY

    If you want to have a Space party
    You should get NASA to ďplanetĒ
    But even if they agree, their party,
    Wonít have any atmosphere I bet

    BEST BEFORE 1980 # 2

    I decided to Vacuum the house
    But for some reason it wasnít working
    I was stumped, it was very frustrating
    Then I noticed that it wasnít plugged in

    HYMENOPTERA VILLAIN

    Insects are dangerous
    That we all know
    Some kill you quick
    Some kill you slow
    Some poison the blood
    In your arteries
    One particular specimen
    Is the hepatitis bee

    SOME YOUTHS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS

    Some youths are breaking into cars,
    They are reprehensible little devils,
    And they do it in multi-story car parks
    Which is wrong on so many levels

    FUSION MUSIC

    Thereís a new music fad or fashion
    A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
    Playing Dancing Queen and Waterloo
    On a Wobble Board and a Didgeridoo
    I donít know if it will catch on at all
    But they call the music Abba-riginal

    TWO WHALES WALKED INTO A BAR

    Two whales walked into a bar
    The first one said "Whiieeeeeaooooooo"
    And the second whale retorted
    ďGod you're so pissed Keanu"

    GETTING ON # 4

    You have reached old age
    And you sit around and wonder
    Why you rang your friend
    To ask him for his new number

    I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 1

    I got a bargain on a load of steak
    My competitors pay much higher
    They ask where I get my horse steak
    But I donít tell them my mane supplier

    PICTURE THIS

    The school had been photographed
    All of the children and all the staff
    The proofs had come back promply
    And the teacherís task was simply
    Persuading them to buy a copy then
    "Just think how nice it will be when
    You will be able to look at it One day
    When you are all grown up and say,
    'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
    Ďthatís Michael, he's a doctor.'
    A small voice at the back then said
    "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    TELL US WHO DID IT

    An old man was sitting on a bench
    When something caught his view
    He stared at a lad who sat next to him
    The teenager had spiked hair in myriad hue
    He just kept staring at the ladís hair
    It was colored green, red, orange, and blue
    The old man just kept staring at him
    And the teenager lost his rag as they do

    "What's the matter old manĒ?
    He said loud enough for everyone
    ďYou never done anything wild in your lifeĒ?
    And waited for a reply when heíd done
    The old man said without hesitation
    Replying as quick as a bullet from a gun
    "I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock
    I was just wondering if you were my son"

    CHANGING SCHOOLS

    Things have certainly changed
    Since I was a boy at school
    No one carried drugs or knives
    Not even the dumbest fool
    Any search of pupils in my day
    Would merely have resulted in
    The seizure of a handful of fags
    And the confiscation of a catapult

    WHEN IíM SIXTY FOUR

    When Iím sixty-four
    And your back goes out more than you do
    I will still love you
    When Iím sixty-four
    And your ears are hairier than your head
    I will still share your bed
    When Iím sixty-four
    And you and your teeth no longer sleep together
    I will still be your lover

    A QUESTION OF HEALTH

    If you stopped taking exercise
    When you got your first TV remote
    And you havenít eaten lettuce
    Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote
    If you havenít seen your feet
    Since you were at primary school
    And you think that a microwave
    Is actually a power tool
    If you think that alcohol
    Is itself a food group
    And you eat more crispy croutons
    Than you do low calorie soup
    If you answered yes
    To any part of this questionnaire
    Then someone is reading this
    Too you in intensive care


    IT WASNíT ME

    Everybody is responsible
    Never mind what nanny state says
    For their own actions
    Thatís the way it is
    We are all responsible for what we do
    Except of course for celebrities

    BI THE WAY

    Just remember when on the prowl
    For liaisons casual
    Your chances are immediately doubled
    If you are bisexual

    SENIOR HAIKU

    You eat wisely
    And you exercise daily
    Then die anyway

    DING DONG EMAIL

    If you get an email with Ding Dong
    In the subject, delete it without hesitation
    As it will be from the Jehovahís Witnesses
    Working from home for the duration

    WE WERE PLAYING CHESS IN THE PARK

    We were playing chess in the park
    And I heard my opponent saying
    ďLetís make this more interestingĒ
    So, we agreed to stop playing

    IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 2

    It was pitiful to see
    He was in a total muddle
    He would have been
    Out of his depth in a puddle

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Loved this collection:

    "And there's the teacher, she's dead."... (lol)

    TELL US WHO DID IT... too funny

    CHANGING SCHOOLS... definitely old school (lol)

    SENIOR HAIKU... great to see a haiku in your collection... very zenior

    WE WERE PLAYING CHESS IN THE PARK... (lol) I was tempted to take a chessboard to the park just recently to see if anyone wanted to play (chess)

    celebrities... (sigh)

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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