SAD CHEESE

Even dairy comestibles
Are sometimes lacking glee
And when at their lowest
They are a very Blue cheese

COMMENTATING ON EQUESTRIAN # 2

At his first equestrian event
And he thought he was seeing a mirage
All the horses looked effeminate
But it turned out to be the dressage

TESTING SEX

At the end of the day
The teacher announces
“There is a test tomorrow
I will accept few excuses”
“Only a nuclear war,
Death or a serious injury
To yourself or one of
Your immediate family”
One smart *** inquired
By way of an interruption
“What if I’m suffering?
From total sexual exhaustion”
There was a lot of laughter
The teacher just smiled
Then she said to the student
“Write with your other hand”

GETTING ON # 2

You are getting old when
Financial crises don’t drive you to tears
For the simple reason your hairline
Has been in recession for years

ANYTHING BY GEORGE

George arrived home from work one night
To find the house bathed in candlelight
His wife Julie Draped on the sofa sexily
Wearing very little and smiling seductively
She swung her long stockined legs to the floor
And walked slowly to George by the door
In her silk camisole she looked very sexy
Her dark nipples were aroused, he could see
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything."
So George tied her up and then he went bowling

ONCE IN SOUTH-WESTERN GERMANY

Once in South-western Germany
In a time now only a tropical echo
Lived an insectivorous lizard
Known now as a Blackforest gecko

IF YOU MEASURED MY LIFE

If you measured my life
In dog years instead
Then the inevitable truth
Is I’m already dead

GOURMET BEETROOT CRISPS

Gourmet Beetroot crisps
I found out just today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day

PICCADILLY PHILLY

We stood on a busy London street
One bright warm summer day
When a girl in a skimpy top
And very short skirt came our way

The girl was walking towards us
And she caused every head to turn
Men and women, young and old
Mens jaws dropped and women looked stern

She was quite an attractive girl
Not a stunner or a movie star
But not worthy of all the attention
She was just a little above par

The reason soon became apparent
As we noticed when she passed
Her skirt hem was tucked in the waste band
And she was completely bare arsed

I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 3

I tried donating blood today
But the problem on this visit
Were too many stupid questions
For example, why is it in a bucket?

DR. NO, NO, NO

In 2008
The next James Bond movie theme
Is to be performed
By Amy Winehouse it would seem
I heard her described
As Shirley Bassey with tattoos
Perhaps more accurately she’s
A tatty Shirley Bassey in my view

PUT DOWN # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bull**** around your lips

DON’T BRING LULU

In the roaring twenties
Lulu was a flapper
And was often seen
With the soave and the dapper
Now if she lived today
In the days of the rapper
When those who think bling
Is really quite the thing
That makes them cool
Today’s equivalent to dapper
She would be there
Lulu the modern flapper
At all the in places
But she’d be thought of as a slapper

CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIEE

Chewbacca the Wookiee
Was the victim of an attack
Someone has given him
An all over body wax

THE INSURANCE MAN

The Insurance man went
To a funeral in Glasgow
Simply because he had
Never seen a Scottish widow

I JUST WALKED INTO MY BEDROOM

I just walked into my bedroom,
Which was littered with crap
And tripped over a discarded bra
I was floored by my own booby trap

ROSES ARE RED # 1

Roses are Red
But slightly cliché
So, I’ll just say
Happy Valentine’s Day