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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 285

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 285

    PERMANENT CHEESE

    Maximillian Mouse is different
    And likes to stand out if he can
    Which is why he has curly-hair
    And his chosen cheese is Permesan

    I WAS NEARLY KILLED BY A SALT LORRY

    I was nearly killed by a salt lorry
    As I was riding in Surrey Heath
    I was so angry I shouted at the driver
    Though it was through gritted teeth

    THE SOCIAL LIFE

    Bimbette, an unmarried mother
    Went to claim benefit
    And in front of a case manager
    She was asked to sit
    He asked her
    “How many children do you have then?”
    After a few moments
    Bimbette finally replied “Ten”
    Horrified and thinking this was
    “One of thoseť claims
    “Ten?” Said the case manager
    “What are their names?”
    Bimbette replied impatiently
    “They're all called Wayne”
    “They're all called Wayne?
    Isn't that a bit of a pain?
    “Naah” she said
    “If they're out playing in the street
    “I just shout, ““Come in Wayne”
    and it works a treat”
    “It works at bed time
    and when it’s time for dinner”
    “But what if”
    asked the manager in a perturbed manner
    “You want to speak to one boy individually?”
    He said
    “That's easy,” she replied
    “I use their surnames instead”

    A NIGHT WITH A FIT BIRD

    I pulled a girl on Saturday night
    And when we were getting at it
    She rasped, moaned and thrashed about
    And I don’t mean just a bit
    Well I thought I was a great lover
    That I have to admit
    But alas she was an asthmatic
    Having an epileptic fit

    IT WAS 1066

    It was 1066
    And that taught me a lesson
    Never buy a wristwatch
    From any random person

    I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 1

    I tried donating blood today
    But the problem on this visit
    Were too many stupid questions
    For example, who's blood is it?

    SAVING DONKEYS

    I made a huge donation
    To a Donkey Charity
    As they were being abused
    At the donkey spanktuary

    EVERY MORNING LIKE CLOCKWORK

    Every morning like clockwork
    I have a healthy bowel movement
    At 6 o’clock without exception, but
    I don’t wake until well after the event

    GETTING ON # 1

    You know you are getting old
    When you can’t work out how
    The cereal got into the fridge
    And you can’t find the milk now

    THERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT HAPPEN

    There are three things that happen, when
    You reach my age, in my view
    The first thing, your memory starts to go
    And I’ve forgotten the other two

    WAS JESUS MARRIED # 1

    Was Jesus married?
    Was a she behind his success?
    That might well explain
    40 days in the wilderness

    HE HAD A CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER

    He had a crush on his teacher
    And he thought she said be mine,
    While she was marking his essay
    And what she said was B minus

    THEY WANTED TO SPICE UP THE SEX

    They wanted to spice up the sex
    To get back on the same page
    So she dressed as a mummy
    As she thought he was into bandage

    COMMENTATING ON EQUESTRIAN # 1

    At his first equestrian event
    And he thought he was seeing a mirage
    The campest parade ring he’d ever seen
    Turned out to be the dressage

    SEX TOY UPGRADE

    In this modern age
    It is certainly possible
    For you to increase
    Sexual arousal
    With the use of mechanical devices
    In particular
    They work on women
    One of these is a sports car
    However, these devices
    Don’t always work on a man
    If he is inclined
    To spend all the time, he can
    Tinkering with the car’s parts
    Rather than the woman

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    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Gold Country
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    Too much !

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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