21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 428
Three blind mice? Three blind mice?
Avoiding my baited traps, every single one
Visually impaired, see how they run,
Thumbing their noses when all said and done
SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT
I was in the golf shop browsing
The different types of golf balls
I had been using the women’s type
And wasn’t getting on with them at all
I was approached by an assistant
Who was dark handsome and tall
He asked if he could help me.
And without even thinking at all
I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
MUSICAL MOUSE
Mice have very high standards
Including what’s on their MP3
So when they want to chill out
They listen to some R 'n' Brie
A MOTHERS TALE # 1
While in queue at the bank one afternoon
My toddler decided to act the loon
Tired of the queues disapproving glare
I managed to grab firm hold of her
I told her if her bad behaviour did not finish
"Right now" then she would be punished
To my horror to my face for all to see
She loudly began to threaten me
With narrowed eyes and furrowed brow
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma what I saw alright
When you kissed Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
With all the dignity that I could muster
I tried to show no sign of fluster
In deathly silence with all eyes on me
I headed quickly for the door to flee
As I Dragged my daughter though the door
I heard laughter erupt in a hilarious roar
THE LONELY MUSHROOM
No one would sit next to the mushroom
And he didn’t know why, but made no fuss
It seemed to happen whatever the occasion
But when he was a lad they called him fun Gus
DRINK TO MY HEALTH
I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
CONCEITED CHEESE
The conceited cheese viewed himself
In the bathroom mirror repeatedly
And while he stared at his reflection
He would smile and say Halloumi
LUNCH TIME IN THE CAFETERIA
At a catholic school at lunch time one day
As The children queued up in an orderly way
The first thing that confronted the pupils
On the end of the counter was a large pile of apples
By the apples a nun had written a note saying
"Take only ONE because God is watching."
as they made their way along the counter
The canteen rang out with childish laughter
Chocolate chip cookies stood in a large pile
With a label which made them all smile
A child had written a note for the pupils,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING HER PERIOD
My girlfriend told me she was having her period
And I responded quite innocently “What! Again?”
And then she lost it and screamed “you’re right
Let me go online and cancel my monthly subscription”
BAR NONE
A neutron walks into a bar
"I'd like a beer" he asked
The barman serves up a beer
Promptly as he was tasked
"How much will that be?"
Asks the neutron
"For you?" "No charge."
Replies the barman
MY WIFE HAS NAMED OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES
My wife has named our kitchen appliances
She’s lost her mind and it’s seriously scary
Our fridge has been named “Fridget Jones”
And milk and cheese are Fridget Jones's Dairy
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF! WOLF! WOLF!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Was repeatedly heard
But the dominatrix
Had forgotten the safe word
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