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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 278

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 278

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 428

    Three blind mice? Three blind mice?
    Avoiding my baited traps, every single one
    Visually impaired, see how they run,
    Thumbing their noses when all said and done

    SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT

    I was in the golf shop browsing
    The different types of golf balls
    I had been using the women’s type
    And wasn’t getting on with them at all
    I was approached by an assistant
    Who was dark handsome and tall
    He asked if he could help me.
    And without even thinking at all
    I looked at him and said,
    "I think I like playing with men's balls."

    MUSICAL MOUSE

    Mice have very high standards
    Including what’s on their MP3
    So when they want to chill out
    They listen to some R 'n' Brie

    A MOTHERS TALE # 1

    While in queue at the bank one afternoon
    My toddler decided to act the loon
    Tired of the queues disapproving glare
    I managed to grab firm hold of her
    I told her if her bad behaviour did not finish
    "Right now" then she would be punished
    To my horror to my face for all to see
    She loudly began to threaten me
    With narrowed eyes and furrowed brow
    "If you don't let me go right now,
    I will tell Grandma what I saw alright
    When you kissed Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
    With all the dignity that I could muster
    I tried to show no sign of fluster
    In deathly silence with all eyes on me
    I headed quickly for the door to flee
    As I Dragged my daughter though the door
    I heard laughter erupt in a hilarious roar

    THE LONELY MUSHROOM

    No one would sit next to the mushroom
    And he didn’t know why, but made no fuss
    It seemed to happen whatever the occasion
    But when he was a lad they called him fun Gus

    DRINK TO MY HEALTH

    I was out for a walk
    Just round and about
    When I saw in a doorway
    An old down and out
    Drinking brake fluid
    From an old tin cup
    I stood for a moment
    And watched him sup
    “If that stuff kills you
    That would be a crime”
    “Don’t worry” said he
    “I can stop anytime”

    CONCEITED CHEESE

    The conceited cheese viewed himself
    In the bathroom mirror repeatedly
    And while he stared at his reflection
    He would smile and say Halloumi

    LUNCH TIME IN THE CAFETERIA

    At a catholic school at lunch time one day
    As The children queued up in an orderly way
    The first thing that confronted the pupils
    On the end of the counter was a large pile of apples
    By the apples a nun had written a note saying
    "Take only ONE because God is watching."
    as they made their way along the counter
    The canteen rang out with childish laughter
    Chocolate chip cookies stood in a large pile
    With a label which made them all smile
    A child had written a note for the pupils,
    "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

    MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING HER PERIOD

    My girlfriend told me she was having her period
    And I responded quite innocently “What! Again?”
    And then she lost it and screamed “you’re right
    Let me go online and cancel my monthly subscription”

    BAR NONE

    A neutron walks into a bar
    "I'd like a beer" he asked
    The barman serves up a beer
    Promptly as he was tasked
    "How much will that be?"
    Asks the neutron
    "For you?" "No charge."
    Replies the barman

    MY WIFE HAS NAMED OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES

    My wife has named our kitchen appliances
    She’s lost her mind and it’s seriously scary
    Our fridge has been named “Fridget Jones”
    And milk and cheese are Fridget Jones's Dairy

    THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF! WOLF! WOLF!

    Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
    Was repeatedly heard
    But the dominatrix
    Had forgotten the safe word

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Gold Country
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    Oh, my! A mixed bag of giggles... enjoyed.

    "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."......... (lol)

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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