Search:

Thanks H.

I have moved on with the story. Quite a lot actually. I did this editing a while ago. Just thought I would post it again.

Hi everyone,

This is the same story as my first post, but with a lot of editing done to it. I tried to take as much of the criticism that was given to me the first time and put it into the story....

This was... interesting.

Where did you get the inspiration for this one? I'm curious as to where this came from.

Couple things that put me off a little.

The monster corrected its head position and went on What was...

Wise words.

I was very much thinking something similar to this.

Onirem: If you're so fed up with the feed back, why do you keep replying to everyone? I just think you're having fun provoking people. And if...

I'm only 20 and I didn't get the reference. But I still thought it was amusing. I think it would be a good idea for a short story. Everything just keeps going wrong for the dragon kind of idea.

That was so very confusing...

I'm not sure if H made note of this in his criticism (it's quite long, and I don't remember everything I read in it this morning), but what really put me off with this was you change from past to...

You didn't QUITE fix that sentence yet. It still reads "any of friends." instead of "any of HIS friends."

:)

One sentence made me grind my teeth a little:

More surprisingly, Justin was reached school earlier than any of friends.

It was the only blaring grammatical error in it though that I saw.
I do...

The mermaid costume at the end made me snort. Love it! Keep it coming!

:)

Good job for your first post here :)

One thing that bugged me though is that you change from past to present tense all over the place. You need to pick one and stick with it.

Here you start in...

Thanks guys. It was just a thought that popped into my head last night (a depressing one, I know) so thought I'd write it out.

Cafolini -- I'm not sure what women being compared to men had to do...

It happened because of a rabbit. A cute, fluffy bunny. Most women are programmed not to hurt small, adorable things. So we tried to avoid it. What kind of rabbit jumps across a highway anyways? Roads...

I thought the way you did the speech worked well. You just have to watch to make sure you don't over do it. It's the same thing when you try to write out accents (which I have been caught on...

You will never become irrelevant Auntie. You just need to be a bit quicker on the draw :P

In my mind I read it as sarcasm, but Hillwalker is right, maybe put something like, '"Will you partake?" I said dryly.' or something that pulls attention to the fact that he repeats what Thomas asked...

I actually looking to start a "post apocalyptic" piece myself, I thought of an idea this morning. Thought it was a happy coincidence that someone else posted something like this so recently!

One...

I have a feeling that Revolte isn't going to reply to anything else on here...

Very peaceful story in my opinion. I enjoyed it.

Just one little thing; you missed the "s" when you said "it's mid-autumn". That's all :)

This made me smile. Just thought I'd say that. Love the metaphor.

:)

Yeah I didn't get that at ALL when reading the story.

I also agree with Delta40. We come here to get feedback. Sometimes, it's more harsh than others. Either deal with that, or don't post here...

I suppose I wasn't so much confused as I was left feeling that there should be more to it. Like I said, feels like it should be a longer story.

I think this would work better if you put more detail into it and made it a longer story. There seems to bee too much that we don't know to fully understand what's going on. I think it has potential...