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yeah that's definitely better, don't need the comma after 'but' though.

first part is good, I like it as an intro... it is coming along quite well.

the sentence in the first paragraph that...

Hey,
I just had another read, and the sentence still stands out. I'm guessing that what i'm feeling is a sense of 'no duh', of course if she was allowed to live, she would have had a life of her...

Interesting, dark piece.
Something I definitely enjoy writing myself.
I like the imagery you portray of the heartbeat of his victim, thrilling him as if the beat itself was shaking the ground....