Words of Whiz Dumb 2017
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“-at summer barbecues, think of Muckenmire’s Discount Beer. Remember it’s the price – not the quality - that counts. Muckenmire’s: new spelling, same old taste. You’re listening to WDUH radio, one-oh-nine point four and a half on your FM dial. We take you now to the Rentacenter Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash where University President Porterhouse Mistake III is wrapping up his preliminary remarks. We join the 2017 Downstate University at Hogwash Commencement Ceremony already in progress.”
“-drug-alcohol-smoke-trans fat-peanut butter-salt-sugar- and gluten-free zone.
"Our next announcement is to apologize to the of Class of 2016 for the abrupt cancellation of last year’s commencement ceremony. The exact cause for the non-event is still under investigation, but so far we’re beginning to unravel the mystery. Suffice it to say it might help to explain how all of last year’s diplomas were inadvertently awarded to La La Land.
“And to this year’s candidates for graduation, please accept our sincere apologies for scheduling the ceremony so relatively late in the year, whereas most other colleges are “fin-nee” by the end of May. We would have held the Commencement earlier, but unfortunately the Rentacenter Civic Center had been all booked up, what with the hugely successful annual East Hogwash Gun Show being held over for three additional weeks. So again, sorry for the delaying your graduation. We also feel bad that the faculty labor strike delayed undergraduate classes and exams, keeping DUH open well into mid-June. Again, we apologize. We hope you can salvage what’s left of the summer. Maybe there are one or two seasonal jobs that haven’t already been snatched up.
“And our final announcement, we regret to say that our originally scheduled speaker, world-renowned reality TV star, Woozie, will not be able to join us today, despite the fact she has already delivered speeches at other educational venues this year. Pop culture celebrities are all the rage these days, and apparently can demand speaking fees far above the level of honoraria offered to Nobel laureates.* We can’t afford to pay much, so we asked if Woozie would donate her time and uh, talent pro bono, but alas, Woozie’s a no-show.
“The good news, however, is that we here at DUH are fortunate that another speaker has been gracious enough to step in at the last minute. She’s appeared on talk shows with all the major networks and off-brand cable news stations as well as running a well-known web site. Most recently she was the campaign manager for the latest victory of Glibban Slimey, East Hogwash’s long-term legislator. You know her, you love her – or at least tolerate her–Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Murkyanne Rongway!
[Faint smattering of applause.]
“Thank you, Mr. President. Oooh, I like saying that! It’s got a familiar ring. Let me begin by saying that I’m more than happy to be here this morning or afternoon or evening, whatever the case may be. If nothing else, it’s good to get out of the house for a while --my house I mean, not the other one even though one or both of them could possibly be white, not to disparage any other color of exterior latex.
“What I mean is that it’s a relief to get out of the kitchen. Not that I’m chained to the stove–we’ve got plenty of staff for that. What I mean is I’m glad to be away from the prying eyes of household appliances. Computers in the refrigerator, cameras in the toaster oven. Some say there are actually combination microwave ovens and photocopiers which make humiliating videos of your Hot Pockets snacks and post them on YouTube. My mother-in-law knows a fella whose life was totally ruined by a tuna salad sandwich. It was a leaker.
“All of those things are mere distractions from my mission in life. I’ve found great fulfillment not to mention a bulging portfolio as the owner and head of an extremely important organization for Creating Reality with Alternative Possibilities, which we like to call by its affectionate nickname, CRAP. My official title is CEO – which may or may not be similar to a COO, a CFO, CYO, and an AF of L-CIO. Which means I get to call the shots, which mostly consist of Johnny Walker Red. In any event, you should join the many millions who follow CRAP on Facebook, Twitter, and whatever show that comes on right after the NBC Nightly News. Charge up your functionally literate smartphone or dust off your computer and visit our website: CRAPOLAdotcom. Make sure you type out the letters 'd-o-t,' and whatever you do, type 'c-o-m,' not 'c-o-m-e-y.'
“What we do at CRAP is fulfill your fondest wishes, at least in terms of information. At CRAP our philosophy is if you say something often enough and loud enough, people generally will accept what you say as true. You can take the most outrageous lie, tell it with a straight face, and get away with it. For instance, you could say something like 'Dinosaurs lived on the earth alongside cavemen.' Don’t listen to those nay-sayers who tell you that all the dinosaurs went extinct millions of years before mankind evolved.” Just look ‘em straight in the eye and tell ‘em, 'Yeah? Didn’t you ever watch The Flintstones? Not only that, there were never any Man versus Dinosaur wars! No siree. They were peaceful! They coexisted!'
“Nothing is more satisfying than blurting out an obvious falsehood and insisting that it’s an alternative fact. It gives you an unbelievable rush, you feel powerful, like you’re in charge of the entire Universe, not just head of some nothing burger website. Once you start doing it, you want to do it more and more. It’s addictive, like opioids, which by the way, are a major product of the pharmaceutical industry, a mainstay of our economy, not a job-killing healthcare plan. See? I dropped one right there.
“More? Here we go. If cigarettes stunt your growth, how come the Marlboro Man was so tall? You don’t have to know somebody in Show Business to break in. Not all Springsteen songs sound exactly alike. Every woman looks attractive in capri pants. Ditto a baseball cap. Newt Gingrich is brilliant. Reyes pops it up. Wait-- that last one IS true.
“Moving on: Muckenmire’s Discount Beer is as refreshingly awesome as Labatt’s. Modern Family is a funny show. And by the way – or as we say on the Web, BTW, nothing enhances the humor of a sitcom like a pre-recorded laugh track.
“Now that I mention it, I could use a laugh track right about now. And that’s not an alternative fact, it’s a factual fact with all the bona fides. What exactly are fides, btw? Can you order them on Amazon?
“Oh no, that can’t be booing. You’re all just moaning in excitement over my revolutionary theories. And you’re all not crying. Those are tears of joy, right? Right?
[Jeers and taunts from the audience. Voice of University President Mistake is slightly audible in the background, and then he evidently takes the mike]
“People! People! Please, remember Ms Rongway is our invited guest who took time out of her busy schedule to fill in for us. The least you could do is treat her with courtesy. We all have the right to express our opinion, but sometimes we forget that Free Speech goes two ways–“
“Two? Only two? “
“Those of you who are open-minded enough to hear the balance of Ms. Rongway’s remarks are welcome to remain. Those of you who feel offended and threatened by opposing viewpoints are free to retreat back to campus where the Comfort Station is always open with an amble supply of hot chocolate for sipping and soft teddy bears for clutching.**
[Muffled, apparently to Ms, Rongway]: “It’s about time we got some use out of that cockamamie safe room. It took a gigundo chunk out of our budget. For what we paid for it, the Hogs could’ve picked up a couple good linebackers.
“Anyway, we’re sorry, Murkyanne. Tough crowd. Tough crowd. You must feel the same way Mark Twain felt when he played Oberlin, Ohio.”
“Oh, I know Mark! What a sweet guy! Just the other day I said to my husband, ‘We ought to have Mark over for dinner again some night. . .”
[Click.]
*
It’s True!
**
That’s true, too!
And “BTW” please don’t go “calling me out,” (as they say) for the abbreviation for microphone. It’s “mike,” not “mic.” The latter always looks as if it’s pronounced “mick, which is a nasty ethnic slur. I don’t want to be chased into the safe room. Besides, who drinks hot chocolate in June?
http://nypost.com/2017/03/23/snooki-...-speaker-fees/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/...b02a2eaab66ccf
