A Little Bit Of Humour # 308

YOU MUSTN’T LET AGEING GET YOU DOWN

You mustn’t let ageing get you down
Its something you just have to face
And let’s not forget how hard it was
Getting yourself up in the first place

WILLIAM PENN'S AUNTIES

William Penn's Aunties, Bakers shop
Specialized in pastries from France
And were fussy about pricing their pies
They were the pie-rates of Penn's Aunts

I HAVE THE BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD

“I have the best wife in the world”
The long-suffering husband said
“She uses the soft end of the broom
When she strikes me across the head”

A MANUSCRIPT IS ALWAYS CALLED AN MS

A manuscript is always called an MS,
After the prospective Authors submit,
By the publishing house because that
Is the state the receiving editor finds it

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 3

I know I’m getting old
And there’s nothing I can do
When old classmates
Come into your view
And you’re so wrinkled
They don’t recognise you

DIFFERENCES # 1

There is a difference between
A skinny blonde schmuck
And a counterfeit US dollar
Is that one is a phony buck

LOOKING AT MY AUNTIES FACE

Looking at my aunties face
Is like reading in the Lamborghini
It’s all right for a few minutes,
Then you start to feel queasy

DAPHNE DUCK WENT TO THE MALL

Daphne Duck went to the Mall
With a long gift list to fulfil
And when she finished shopping
She put everything on her Bill

CALL ME EPPING

They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE FAT FINGERS

Why do Gorillas have fat fingers?
Is one question that still lingers
But clearly the obvious conclusion
Is large nostrils are the reason

MEDIUM OR RARE

There is a great difference
Between medium and rare?
Six inches is only medium
But eight is much more rare

FISH BRIEF

There is a difference, you will find
Between a Solicitor and a catfish
For one is a scum-sucking scavenger
While the other is a type of fish

I GOT AN ELEPHANT

I got an elephant, for my sons’ room
Though it’s really more like a bedsit
And he was incredibly grateful to me
But I said in response "Don't mention it"

BREAK A LEG

“Break a leg?” is an actors saying
Which is from the distant past
And has become a tradition
Because every play has a cast

A PAIR OF MONKEYS

As two monkeys were getting into the bath
The first monkey had prepared for them
And the second one said: “Oo, oo, aah, ahh”
The first retorted “Put some cold in then”

MY MOTHER MADE US EAT

My mother made us eat
Supplements every day
One time I nearly choked
On the Mail on Sunday

A SEPTUAGENARIAN PIRATE CAPTAIN

A septuagenarian Pirate Captain
Sailed the warm waters off Haiti
And on his eightieth birthday
He said to his crew, "Aye matey"

AFTER A LOCAL MAN WAS KILLED

After a local man was killed
By a falling piano
It has been announced
A low-key funeral will follow

I SUFFER WITH A PHOBIA

I suffer with a phobia
But I can’t admit it
So, I’m claustrophobic
But I’m in the closet

FOGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD

Foghorn crossed the road
And took it in his stride
To avoid an anti-masker
Walking on the other side