Christmas 2018 # 4

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 25

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Hamlet
Not a creature was stirring
But no need to fret
They were at midnight mass
And hadn’t returned yet
From the Church in town
Where they were well met

SAD SANTA

Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Whereas the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3

LAST CHRISTMAS

Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year

CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT

Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions

But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has too had to go
For fear of litigation

“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick

EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS

Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with Velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho

WRITTEN WARNING

Beware of what you write
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa

UNDER THE CHRISTMAS MOON

Moonlight glinted
On the frozen land
Of the silent vale
Dressed crisply
In winters cloak.
A shooting star
Flashed across the sky
And I made a wish
Nothing profound
Just a simple thing
But immensely special
Because I wished
For a Christmas kiss
With the girl I loved

MY PRETTY LITTLE MISS

The first time I met
My pretty little Miss
We needed mistletoe
To share a Christmas Kiss

Now when I meet
With my pretty Miss
We need no artificial aid
For us to share a kiss

And when we meet
And we share a kiss
Every day is Christmas
For me and my little Miss

THE GRINCH AND THE ELF

When love was taken from him
He was left bereft, and his heart stopped
And his world was transformed
To a place of ice and snow
Where his cold heart,
Once over flowing with love,
Froze solid in his chest.
So he came to like the winter
With its long cold nights
And short dismal days
He found comfort in the season
And its bitter unfriendly ways
Only Christmas spoiled it for him,
Disrupting his misery,
With its joyous music,
Gaily decorated shops,
And of course its joviality
But then one day out of the blue
As he tried to avoid the jollity
It happened, his heart began to thaw
All because of an Elf
Or to be more precise
A girl in the green tights, pointy shoes,
Brightly coloured tunic and a cute hat
All it took was one smile
For the connection to be made
And she had him body and soul
Although he was unaware
It was a mutual attraction
Because she didn’t show her hand
And played hard to get
She wanted him, but she made him work
To win her, to pursue her
To prove that he was worthy
So it wasn’t until Christmas Eve
That the Elf yielded to the Grinch
And they kissed by the light of the moon
Before attending midnight mass

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 26

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the church
The faithful were eager for mass
As on their pews they perch