The fall of man

Divine knowledge concedes, the power that it breeds;
Surrogate wisdom, the truth in its infancy
The root of it all, placed seed by seed;
Vile and invasive, the human paradox.

Sophistication it seeks, yet ignorance it receives;
Dawn of the sinner, an existential cataclysm
Spiritual decline, though the pain it relieves;
The future, while bleak still endures.

Land by land, battling for the ultimate crown;
Catastrophic actions, foreshadow impulsive reactions
Atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown;
The end while near, not quite here.

While observing it all, condemning the man;
A resemblance of hope, an abysmal sign I await
Eternal silence, dis-sanctifying the plots where it all began;
Until the last candle is extinguished, as lit by man.

Excellent poem. I can appreciate your fresh take on an age-old subject of the fall of man, which you have masterfully expressed. The flow is smooth and a delight to read.

One line kind of tripped me up though, "atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown"..."even"?...wouldn't the purest saint be expected to frown at atrocities? Shouldn't it read something like "atrocities, causing more than just the purest of saints to frown"?

Also, this is trivial and just my opinion (i'm just a newborn to poetry) but i would minimalize the last line in each of the 4 stanzas for more impact.
Last lines in stanza...
#1 - replace "and" with a comma...or leave it alone)
#2 - delete "rather"
#3 - choose either "yet" or "quite" but not both
#4 - delete "which was" ("lit" is already past tense...
.......or you could replace "which was" with "as"..."as lit by man")

Great poem though...as is !!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Melanie

Excellent poem. I can appreciate your fresh take on an age-old subject of the fall of man, which you have masterfully expressed. The flow is smooth and a delight to read.

One line kind of tripped me up though, "atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown"..."even"?...wouldn't the purest saint be expected to frown at atrocities? Shouldn't it read something like "atrocities, causing more than just the purest of saints to frown"?

Also, this is trivial and just my opinion (i'm just a newborn to poetry) but i would minimalize the last line in each of the 4 stanzas for more impact.
Last lines in stanza...
#1 - replace "and" with a comma...or leave it alone)
#2 - delete "rather"
#3 - choose either "yet" or "quite" but not both
#4 - delete "which was" ("lit" is already past tense...
.......or you could replace "which was" with "as"..."as lit by man")

Great poem though...as is !!

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e

Thank you for the constructive criticism!
I agree, I should've been more eloquent with my prose.
"atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown" was kind of supposed to be ''ironically metaphoric''; in a way.

You were quite eloquent...i was just looking for some minute details to critique. And, oops, I didn't see the ironic metaphor at first. I look forward to seeing more from you. You have talent.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Melanie

You were quite eloquent...i was just looking for some minute details to critique. And, oops, I didn't see the ironic metaphor at first. I look forward to seeing more from you. You have talent.

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Thank you!