Life With Dorcas (Part Two)
The Case Of The Disappearing Lingerie
In the weeks following the family gathering in Cambridge, to mark Uncle Herbert’s 60th Birthday, my mother was still in shock.
The news of my proposal and subsequent engagement to Dorcas had taken her completely by surprise.
She had apparently come to terms with the fact I would end my days as a bachelor and even though it had been confirmed and verified to be a “genuine engagement” she was still skeptical.
I have to admit there were moments when I didn’t believe it myself.
But we were engaged and everyone seemed to be as pleased about it as we were.
Though my mother was a confirmed skeptic on the subject, plans had already begun in earnest with both sets of parents jockeying for position even though a date hadn’t even been set yet.
Dorcas and I left them to get on with it for the most part as we had plans of our own to finalize, we would rein them in later when we were clear what we wanted.
We never thought at the time that we might live to regret our attitude of laissez-faire in this regard.
But there were more immediate things to occupy our attention, because although we hadn’t yet set a date for the wedding we had set another significant date on the calendar which was fast coming up on the horizon.
Dorcas was moving in with me.
By the time October came around she was already staying over at mind for three days a week so it seemed silly not to go the whole hog.
My place was bigger than hers so it made more sense for her to move in with me rather than the other way around.
We were going spend October packing up her place in Finchbottom so it was ready for renting from the 1st of November when she would move in with me, with as much of her possession as would fit.
When I asked her why she wasn’t selling her house, she said
“I want to keep it just in case”
“In case of what?” I asked
“In case you turn out to be a swine” she replied
Bloody cheek
As I said she had been spending a lot of time at mine and for the most part things went without a hitch but it wasn’t all plain sailing, there was one bone of contention.
That is apart from the age old chestnut, the toilet seat, what is it with women and their obsession with toilet seats.
Anyway I digress, my particular bone of contention was namely articles of underwear, that were particularly delightful when she was inside them but were very annoying when she was not.
They lost their allure somewhat when they were left hanging from the shower rail or draped over radiators.
When she wasn’t looking I would gather them up, in ones and twos, and put the wet ones in the airing cupboard or the dry ones in a drawer in the bedroom.
Dorcas didn’t seem to notice or if she did she didn’t say anything.
That is until the beginning of October when she enquired
“Have you seen my green knickers?”
“No hon, not since you were in them” I replied
“Are you sure?” she quizzed “I know what you’re like with your tidying”
She had noticed then.
“Definitely not honey” I answered
“I don’t understand it I’ve found the bra upstairs so I know they’re here somewhere but I can’t find the pants anywhere”
“They’ll turn up” I suggested
“That’s not very helpful” she replied
“There are some blue ones in the airing cupboard” I said helpfully
“I can’t wear blue pants with a green bra” she said crossly
“Honestly, what kind of a girl do you think I am?”
Over the next few weeks her green panties didn’t turn up and it transpired they weren’t the only items to disappear.
She went on to lose an assortment of knickers, three odd socks and a pair of tights.
Even my lucky pants did a disappearing act.
I had never experienced any loss of laundry all the time I had lived there so I was at a loss to explain the disappearance’s and could offer nothing but my stock answer of
“They’ll turn up”
Dorcas was unconvinced, as was I, and I’m sure she was beginning to think I was some kind of fetishist who had a secret stash of her knickers.
However any such suspicion’s she might have harbored would have been readily dispelled by a visit from my next door neighbour.
It was on Sunday morning, we had just returned home from church, when there was a knock on the front door.
When I opened it I was faced with a very shamefaced and embarrassed character holding a carrier bag out in front of him.
It was my long time neighbour John Elliot, a normally gregarious chap who on this occasion was stooped over like he had the whole world on his shoulders and was staring at his shoes.
“I think these might be yours” he said quietly thrusting the carrier bag in my direction.
“What is it?” I asked and took the bag
“Open it” He said shuffling his feet nervously
I did as he instructed and opened the bag and found inside sundry items of underwear.
“You’d better come in” I said
I had known John and his wife Carole for several years and we had always gotten on very well.
When I first knew them they had two cats, Madeline and Emily who were sisters, and they had them for several years but after Emily was killed on the road in the village Madeline ran away.
They were both huge cat lovers so they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue center.
Well what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was a very sweet looking cat that unfortunately suffered with psychological problems.
It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.
While the humans of the village were all at work Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion namely stealing from the neighbour’s.
She stole knickers, pants, socks, tights, handkerchiefs and the occasional bra as well as bibs and booties.
The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines, wash baskets and clothes airer’s though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items, nothing soiled or un-fresh.
We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.
The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing his spare room prior to decorating when he discovered a nest of other people’s underwear.
This could have been more awkward than it already was and John might well have had some explaining to do it Carole had found the pantie collection before he did.
When John told her of the stash he had found Carole thought it was very funny, she did however after sorting the not inconsiderable collection into bags for the prospective owners, dispatch him to return the items.
“I have never been so embarrassed” John said
“How many houses have you had to go to?” Dorcas asked
“You’re number 10” he said
“You poor thing” Dorcas said sympathetically the she looked at me and we both burst out laughing.
When we had regained control of ourselves he continued
“Luckily Tabitha’s is scared of her own shadow so she never strays more than a few houses either side of us, so it narrowed down the field”
After he had gone I looked at the contents of the bag
“You see I said they would turn up” I said
“Pah” Dorcas said unimpressed
“Still you’ve got to hand it to Carole she was spot on with her sorting”
I said
“And look even my lucky pants are here”
“Oh, it’s a shame they came back I threw them out once” she said
“You threw them out?” I asked
“Yes I did” she replied
“But they’re my favourite’s” I said indignantly
Dorcas chuckled and from the doorway she said
“Well you can either stay down here with your lucky pants or you can come upstairs and get lucky in mine” and she went out the room.
About thirty seconds later I got up and followed her, pausing briefly by the kitchen bin to dispose of my former lucky pants.
The Electronic Dice
Since I first met Dorcas, on that day when she almost ran me over, my life had been so different to the safe and comfortable existence I had known before.
I felt energized and fresh, which was just as well.
Because October had been an exceedingly busy month.
We spent evenings packing up Dorcas’s house in Finchbottom and slowly moving her stuff either into storage or into mine, I mean ours.
Then on the weekends there was decorating, gardening and car booting.
And all of the above had to be achieved while keeping busy in our respective jobs as we were saving our holidays for something else.
So it was with some relief that I received and accepted an invitation from my best friend Gary to attend a games night at his place on Saturday night.
We had been best mates since junior school, Gary, Stix, Evan, Clive and me, and our friendship endured.
It survived all the ups and downs of childhood and adolescence.
It survived sexual awakenings and the continual distraction of women thereafter.
It survived higher education, marriages, mortgages, divorces and redundancies.
Women had come and gone over the years but the friendship had survived.
Our friendship endured in spite of everything and part of that were Games Nights.
Games nights consisted of a takeaway followed by board games or cards, the food and game decided by consensus.
“You know what that means?” Dorcas asked
“Yes a weekend off” I replied
“I have to meet your best friends” she said gloomily
“I know” I replied “They’re all dying to meet you”
Then I continued
“And the other halves are anxious to meet the girl who has won my heart”
“Oh Great” Dorcas said despondently
I failed to pick up on her lack of enthusiasm but as we got closer to the night Dorcas seemed to be getting more and more withdrawn.
On Saturday morning we lay under the duvet cuddling she was very quiet which wasn’t like her at all.
I was a bit worried about her as she seemed a bit down.
“What’s wrong sweetheart?” I said
“Nothing” she replied
“Well I know that’s not true” I persisted “So what’s wrong?”
“I’m scared” Dorcas admitted
I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly, she was such a confident gregarious girl, and being scared didn’t fit her at all.
“Scared?” I asked
“Yes” she responded and rolled over and hugged me, burying her face in my neck and then she started crying.
“What are you scared about?” asked
“Meeting your friends” she sobbed “Your best friends”
It seemed she was really worried about making a good impression in front of my oldest and best friends.
“They are going to love you just like I do” I assured her
“Really?” Dorcas asked
“Well not quite like I do obviously” I said and she lifted her face from my neck and smiled.
I did feel for Dorcas when I took the time to think of what I was putting her through, it was a daunting prospect meeting my friends.
I didn’t have to go through that with her best friend as that was my sister Helen.
So we spent the next hour cuddling up under the duvet as I went through my friends and their respective partners one by one and the best ways to make a good impression on them.
My mate Gary was something of a figure of fun within our group, a fact to which he seemed completely oblivious.
We had known him since school and we had always teased him.
He was the type of kid who had a new hobby every week and this habit followed him into adulthood.
He also thought himself a whizz at DIY and he fancied himself as a bit of an engineer. But the one thing he could do without fail which endeared him to us was that he could take a joke.
His wife Elaine did not have a sense of humour, at all and she was the vainest woman walking God’s green earth and the only thing that she loved as much as her own looks was for someone else to compliment her on them.
“Stix” so named because his surname was Littlewood fancied himself as a bit of a ladies man and liked to flirt, Kylie his second wife knew he was all sausage and no sizzle so quite enjoyed watching him flirt before he crashed and burned.
Evan Thomas and his childhood sweetheart Cerys were foodies so if you got them chatting on the subject of food you were in.
Clive White and his third or fourth partner Tina were ultra-competitive so if they won whatever the game might be they were happy.
After I had finished putting flesh on the bones of those expected to be present she seemed more at ease.
“I love you Ben” she said
“That’s handy” I replied “because I love you too”
Dorcas smiled and kissed me tenderly and we made love.
I thought as Dorcas was nervous about meeting everyone, rather than arriving to a houseful and totally overwhelming her I would take her over to Gary’s early so I could introduce her to the hosts before anyone else arrived and that way she just had to meet one couple at a time.
So when we got there we stood on the porch and I gave her a kiss for good luck before I rang the doorbell.
Gary opened the door.
“Blimey” he said
“You’ll never believe it Elaine” he called over his shoulder “it’s Ben and…”
“Dorcas” I said
“… Dorcas” Gary continued
“Are we too early” I asked
“No not at all” he replied “Lovely to meet you Dorcas, come in, come in”
“Thanks Gary, likewise” she said and squeezed my hand.
As we walked into the lounge he said to Dorcas
“You’re obviously a good influence on him, Ben’s never the first to arrive”
Then he introduced her to his sour faced wife Elaine.
“Dorcas?” she said “that’s a strange name”
“It’s biblical” I answered “nice isn’t it?”
“Hmmm” was her only response
I gave her hand another gentle squeeze and Dorcas said
“I love your dress, I wish I could afford designer label”
Elaine’s expression softened immediately and a hint of a smile could be detected when she continued
“And your hair’s a fabulous shade of red”
“Two down, six to go” I thought to myself
Stix and Kylie were the first to arrive after us and with Dorcas being gorgeous and Stix being a letch he took to her straight away.
There was a moment’s frostiness from Kylie but as soon as Dorcas gave her a wink and she realized Stix was being played she quickly warmed.
By the time Evan and Cerys arrived the gregarious confident Dorcas was there to greet them and within five minutes they were deep in conversation about a new Mongolian restaurant in Kiddingstone, so much so that she almost missed my introducing her to Clive and Tina.
Dorcas continued discussing cuisine with Evan and Cerys while we devoured a rather mediocre Indian.
The games element of the evening began with cards and due to some creative cheating by Dorcas, a skill I hadn’t previously experienced from her, Clive and Tina were the resounding victors.
Deftly played by my wife to be.
We went on to play Trial Pursuit next which was when Gary chose to reveal his latest fad.
As I said earlier he fancied himself as a bit of an engineer and with the help of the Internet and RS Component’s he managed to fashion his latest pride and joy.
“It’s an electronic Dice” Gary said proudly
It was brown in colour, made of plastic, about three inches long and two inches wide and the same in depth.
With two buttons and an LED display on the upper side.
“Wow” everyone said with varying degrees of sarcasm except for Dorcas who said.
“That’s really interesting, how does it work”
“Well” said Gary thrilled that someone appreciated his efforts
“You press this first button and the numbers start randomising”
“Oh yes, I see” said Dorcas
“Then you press the second button and it displays your throw” he continued
“Wow that’s so clever” she said still enthusing
“And you made that?”
“Yes” he replied proudly “I did”
“Can I have a go?” she asked
“Absolutely” Gary said and handed it to her
“So I press this button first” Dorcas said
“Yes” Gary replied
“Then this one?” She said
“Yes” he said again
“And that’s my throw” she said just before she shook it in her hands and rolled it across the table.
Gary’s jaw dropped and the room erupted with laughter and Dorcas said to Gary.
“Got you” and he roared with laughter
In truth at that moment she had them all in the palm of her hand.
She held my hand under the table and squeezed it firmly and as she turned and gave me a smile I fell in love with her all over again.
Just Like Mama Used To Make
We spent most of the day after the games night at Gary’s slobbing around the house in our night clothes and watching old films on TV.
After all the recent exertion’s associated with renting out Dorcas’s house prior to her moving in with me, so it was really nice to have such a lazy day.
However we paid for it over the coming week as the deadline for Dorcas vacating her house loomed large and we spent every spare moment moving her and her possessions from Finchbottom to Bushy Down.
And so began a new chapter in our lives when we would no longer be two lonely single dwellers living half-lives but one loving couple sharing a house and home.
The Monday after our first weekend of officially living together was a normal workday for me but Dorcas had managed to book off a couple of days off work so she could unpack the last of her things and make herself at home.
A lot of her making herself at home seemed to involve rearranging the cupboards and taking over the majority of the wardrobes.
But despite that she certainly seemed to have spent her time productively and the house was looking more homely than it had ever done.
And as I walked through the front door on my arrival home on Tuesday evening I was greeted by the smell of home cooking.
“Hi Hon” I called “Something smells nice”
Her head suddenly appeared from around the kitchen door and said
“It’s me”
I walked down the hall to meet her and gave her a kiss
“No its not you” I said “I can definitely smell something tasty”
“Cheek” Dorcas said and hit me with a wooden spoon
“Ow” I said “what’s cooking then?”
“Bacon and onion dumpling” she replied then continued in a very bad Italian accent “Justa lika mamma used to maka”
“And is yours as good as mamas?” I asked thinking that if it tasted half as good as it smelt I was in for a treat.
“Better” she replied “now go and finish setting the table”
I did as instructed and then opened a bottle of wine, I returned to the kitchen just in time to see the suet delight coming out of the oven and I’m sure that the oven sighed.
As I sat and ate the heaviest most indigestible dumpling I had ever experienced along with lumpy mash, anemic gravy and over cooked veg I thought to myself
“How bad a cook is her mother?”
I persevered and ate most of it and when she said
“Well?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth
“Lovely” I said
It’s a good job I wasn’t marrying her for her cooking.
Fortunately I could cook and I generally got home an hour before her so I would get the evening meal on the go so as to minimize the risk of having to eat her offerings.
It was about a fortnight after the night of the dumpling when we were summoned to the Fox-Martins for Sunday lunch which I had to say I was rather looking forward to.
Her father Edward was very easy company especially if you restricted the conversation to sport while Marcia thought the sun shone from my every orifice.
But the main thing I was looking forward to was a Roast dinner I wished I could have one every week.
How does the old saying go? Be careful what you wish for.
We were in the car on our way
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” she asked
“Of course” I said “I like your folks and I’m looking forward to a great Sunday lunch”
“Oh” Dorcas said doubtfully “Good”
We arrived just after two and we found Edward in the lounge watching football.
“Hi Dad” she said
“Hello baby girl” he replied and gave her a kiss, then he shook my hand.
“Ben dear boy” he said “sit down, they’ve just kicked off”
“I’ll just say hello to Marcia first” I said and Dorcas led the way.
The aromas emanating from the kitchen were mouthwatering.
“Mum?” Dorcas called
“I’m in here darling” a disembodied voice called back.
I followed Dorcas into the kitchen and kisses and hugs were exchanged between them and then Marcia turned her attention on me.
“It’s lovely to see you Ben” Marcia said “I’m glad you could come”
“It smells delicious” I said “I can’t wait”
“Oh” she said all flustered “that’s a really nice thing to say”
Then Dorcas kissed me and dispatched me to keep her father company.
Edward had a freshly poured beer sitting on the table waiting for me.
“Are there you are” he said without taking his eyes off the screen.
“It’s one nil to City, completely against the run of play”
Marcia called us to the table about half an hour later and we sat down at the table.
Edward poured the wine and Dorcas and Marcia carried the tureens in, then when we were all seated she lifted the cover off the meat platter to reveal the charred remains of what would once have been a very expensive joint of beef.
The vegetables and the gravy were a similar disappointment, the insipidness of the gravy was clearly a family tradition.
As Edward unceremoniously hacked his way through the charcoal he slowly revealed the undercooked redness at its core.
And as I struggled politely through the hideous meal I was left to ponder how two such beautiful women could be such ugly cooks.
So it was with a full stomach and a bad case of indigestion that we drove off from her parents place.
“Did you enjoy your Sunday roast then sweetie?” Dorcas asked
“Oh yes” I replied “it was ….”
“Horrible?” Dorcas interrupted
“No, no” I protested
“Yes, yes” she corrected me “Mums even more rubbish at cooking than I am”
“You’re not rubbish hon” I said
“I am, you could have beaten someone to death with that dumpling it was so heavy” Dorcas said and laughed
“Well maybe not to death, but certainly into a coma” I said and she punched me.
Mouse About The House
In just a few short months my cozy little life had been turned upside down.
From the moment Dorcas breezed into my life on a bright June day when she almost sent me into the afterlife from behind the wheel of her car.
It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me, and that changed everything in a heartbeat.
Once I plucked up the courage to ask her out the next step was to fall in love with her which took no effort at all.
Then I needed to summon the courage to propose, which I did and almost put my mother into a coma in the process.
So far so good, meet pretty young brunette, woo pretty young brunette, fall in love with pretty young brunette, propose to pretty young brunette and finally move in with pretty young brunette.
Well I say finally what I mean to say is so far.
There are many more chapters obviously.
The next one began after two weeks of us living together.
All was going well and we had settled into a comfortable routine and it felt as if we had been together forever.
We were sitting in the kitchen eating crumpets on a Sunday morning when Dorcas suddenly said
“Can we get a cat?”
“What for?” I retorted
“Because I’d like one” she said sweetly
“Do we have to?” I sighed
“Don’t you like cats? Dorcas enquired
“I have no strong opinion either way” I informed
“So you don’t dislike them?” she asked
“No not at all” I replied
“Are you allergic?” she queried
“Nope” I replied
“So can we?” she asked cutely
“I take it that you have a strong opinion about cats?” I asked
“Oh yes” she replied “I love them”
“They’re very lovely, they’re good company, they’re clean, they’re not demanding” she continued
“And they keep mice away” she added as if that one reason underlined all the others
“I don’t have mice” I stated
I had never had mice in the house in all the years I had lived there and was not at all unhappy with that fact and I didn’t need a cat to achieve that.
All through my childhood at my parents’ house we didn’t have a cat and we were mouse free so the point seemed moot.
“Please, please, pretty please” she begged
And I was helpless to resist
“Ok, ok” I conceded
“Yey” she screamed and jumped up and down before planting a kiss on my mouth.
“But” I interjected
“But?” she repeated
“There are certain conditions” I stated
“Which are?” she asked
“No Toms” I said “I don’t want spraying in the house”
“Check” she responded
“I’m the only alpha male in this house” I said pompously
“Ok tiger” she mocked
“No rescue cats, I don’t want to take any chances on getting a mental one like John and Carole did” I continued
“Check” she responded
“And no kittens” I added
“Ok” she agreed “Anything else?”
“No that’s the lot” I confirmed
“Good get your coat on” she instructed
“What for?” I asked
“I said we’d pick the cat up before 11 o’clock” Dorcas said cheekily
“And how did you know I’d say yes?” I asked
“Because you’re lovely” she replied “and you love me”
“Yes well just remember that cutesy stuff won’t work once you lose your looks” I told her as we were going out the door
“It’ll still work even when I’m old and wrinkled” she said cockily
We were going to Mrs. Brownlow’s house, just a few doors down from us.
She was a lovely lady, who sadly was having to give up her cottage and move into a sheltered housing scheme on the other side of the village.
Where pets of any kind were not permitted.
Doris had a sweet little two year old tabby female called Pandora for whom she was looking for a good home and we were it.
Well all went swimmingly with Pandora’s arrival, she quickly took to us and made herself at home and although I had misgivings about getting a cat I was happy that I had agreed.
Then the presents started to arrive.
I would wake up in the morning and make my way downstairs to make coffee and there it would be, a mouse, a vole, a bird and on one occasion a coy carp.
All either dead or very near death and all of them gifts, for me the alpha male, from the huntress.
Sometimes Pandora would be in attendance smugly guarding her latest trophy.
On one particular morning in late November I came downstairs to find a squirrel.
“My God Pandora what on earth have you brought me this time?”
As soon as my foot landed on the hall floor she started rubbing herself around my ankles making a series of chirruping noises as she did so.
Then she would go and circle the stricken Squirrel, look up at me then at her prey and then back at me as if to say
“Look what I did”
“Yes very good, well done” I said without enthusiasm although I had to admit I was impressed.
Then she returned to my ankles and repeated the whole process again.
Pandora had just got to the point where she was saying to me
“I did that that was me”
Then Dorcas came halfway down the stairs and hung over the bannister to enquire
“What’s going on?”
“Pandora brought in a squirrel” I told her
“A Squirrel?” she exclaimed “wow who’s a clever girl then?”
The cat responded to that by repeating the whole rubbing, chirruping and gloating sequence.
“Who’s a clever girl?” I said to myself as I slipped my unstockinged feet into a pair of wellies.
That was all well and good but she wasn’t the one who had to take the poor suffering twitching creature up the garden to finally dispatch it with a spade.
Of course finding dead offerings in the hall was far better than the alternative.
You see Pandora didn’t catch mice and such to display them as trophies or to supplement her diet.
She brought them into the house primarily as toys and she would play with them for hours, but sometimes they got away
Which is why I recalled what Dorcas had said about cats
“They’re very lovely, they’re good company, they’re clean, they’re not demanding” she continued
“And they keep mice away”
Well I had never had any mice to keep away, until now.
And now I have a cat.
