Short story Help for school ;)

deleted for good =/ finished, thanks for the help! =D

I'm of the opinion this is just great. The reader assumes it's about humans until near the end. The descriptions are terrific. Well written and just the right length too. Great job!

Thanks again =P Haha. People are so helpful here ;)

Well, this is 100 times better than the original version of your story. You’ve obviously worked hard at refining the plot and creating a believable story, complete with twist at the end.

I would suggest a little more trimming as you do tend to over-describe things, like for instance how the light and sound from the returning spacecraft reduced then increased then reduced again. It had me desperate for you to pick up the pace of the story at one stage.

And there are a few sentences that would read more smoothly if you removed the underlined phrases for example:

Quote:

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For it was at the end of each of these cycles, after the hollows in their bellies had been filled, that he would share with them tales and legends of which had been handed down since the times of their ancestors.

It was there where he had often appeared just beyond the horizon.

They watched and waited, looking out across the horizon that lay not far from the endless high-peaked mountains that rose well and truly past the sky’s misty ocean.

But even then it did not linger long and left the sky as it had with them, taking with it the warmth and comfort that had been keeping them at bay.

The oval object momentarily stopped before the light beneath it began to pulsate, becoming more blinding than it had been the first time, followed by the same thunderous roar.

The sister was the first of her siblings to notice the strange creature that her father carried with him, a creature unlike any she had ever seen.

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But I’m suitably impressed with what you have managed to come up with in so short a time and if you can maintain the quality of writing and plot development this is oing to turn out to be a great story.

H

Thanks again. You've help me out heaps with this and I'll continue refining it like you said. I have to hand it in tomorrow though, so I'm unsure if I'll be able to fix up the part where it says the light and sound from the spacecraft reduced then increased then reduced again, haha.

Because I was first to hand this in, my teacher made me go back and work on it some more. So I've done what 'hillwalker' suggested and shortened some things and changed a few other bits and pieces my teacher told me to improve on as well. Now I'm just worried that I may have ruined parts by changing to much of it around like I have. If anyone could go over it again briefly and reassure that what I've done is alright, that would help yet again, haha. =)