The Reader Meets Wolf Larsen
The Reader Meets Wolf Larsen
by Wolf Larsen
Warning: do not read this if you are against sex. Thank you for your understanding. You have been warned!
You’re riding the subway. Suddenly, you see a familiar face, from the Internet, you’ve never met the guy in person, but you’ve read some of his writings...
Strange! He looks so normal! In fact, he’s the most normal looking person on the subway train! In fact, he’s the most normal looking person in the entire world!
It’s rush-hour. The train is crowded. He’s standing near you.
“Excuse me sir, are you Wolf Larsen?”
You blurted it out before you even thought about it.
The man looks at you a moment with blue eyes. He seems so normal, but his eyes look like two bullets piercing right through you!
He says: “the sky just wasn’t open enough today! Birds are creating penises in all of the trees wherever you look! I like to masturbate constantly!”
He says this real loud! His voice carries throughout the train! People all around him suddenly give him lots of space.
“Where do I know you from?” he asks you.
“From the Internet. I’ve read your writings...” you say.
“My writings are the truth!” he says in a booming voice. “My writings will rescue the human race from boredom!”
And with that he takes off his suit jacket. He lets it fall to the floor of the subway car. It’s not exactly an expensive suit jacket.
He continues: “I am the devil! I am the naked devil! I am the four dimensional tomorrow! Me and the devil will create a new human race with our homoerotic space rockets! Homoerotic space rockets! That’s the answer! That’s the answer to all of the sardines swimming around our brains!!!”
Meanwhile, he’s unbuttoning his shirt! What’s wrong with this guy??
You ask him: “where are you from?”
“I’m from the whorehouse! I was conceived in the greatest whorehouse in the world!” he says with his arms reaching out upwards towards the sky. He has stopped unbuttoning his shirt. You breathe with relief...
“What’s the inspiration for your writing?” you ask him.
“My inspiration!??!” his voice thunders as his arms & hands move about in manic gestures. “My inspiration is dodo! My inspiration is two cats ****ing noisily under your window at 3 o’clock in the morning! My inspiration is Gustav Mahler blowing his own brains out with World War III! My inspiration —“
“Can you keep it down?!” asks somebody in the train car.
“Yes!” he exclaims LOUDER than ever. “We can keep the human race happy with our poetry! With the poetry of some kind of horny forever in your ball sack! With a pile of aborted fetuses we can sing the Yankee-doodle-dandy to the Golden Arches until the Statue of Liberty gets pregnant from Barack Obama!”
The mention of the black president seems to make some of the black people on the train edgy. Is he a racist? Is he the second coming of Christ? Is he running for president of the United States of America?
“I am the man that has been haunting all of your dreams! I haunt the dreams of every person on the planet!” he proclaims to everybody on the subway car with his arms up raised again.
Then he goes back to unbuttoning his shirt. He has a nice body underneath that shirt. More & more of the women & some of the men are starting to look at the increasingly bare torso of this man.
“I am the sexiest adjective that was ever in a man’s testicle!” he shouts. “Prepare for space alien meringue pie of the year!”
That’s when a homeless lady who smells something like an outhouse appears. She stands close to this man and looks at him with curiosity, her eyes are almost flirtatious, and a big smile crosses her face. She seems very impressed with the man.
“He’s Wolf Larsen!” you say to the homeless lady. “And Wolf, this is a homeless lady!”
The homeless lady says: “The universe is my vagina! The world is my clitoris! Come play with my world!” she says.
Wolf Larsen stands there. He unzips his pants and pulls out his penis! There are yelps of surprise from the other people on the train. Wolf holds his penis out for all to see and he says: “this penis is my Bible! This penis is my spaceship!”
The homeless lady says: “you shouldn’t do that! God will strike you down with lightning!”
Wolf Larsen faces the sky with an upraised fist and says: “strike me down with lightning God! Go ahead God! Strike me down with lightning!”
That’s when you asked Wolf: “so Wolf, who are you going to vote for president?”
Wolf answers: “I love to eat cat! It tastes like chicken!”
And that’s when Wolf begins masturbating. The homeless lady closes in close to see all the action. Everybody else on the train is staring at disbelief at the man in the office clothes masturbating on the train — the most normal looking man on the train — perhaps the most normal looking man in the entire world — is the one that’s masturbating right there on the train right in front of them!
That’s when you ask Wolf: “hey Wolf, what’s your favorite food?”
“I like the Apollo mission to Mars!” answers Wolf. “I like digging into the testicles of space aliens, and finding my own abstract expressionism!”
And then you ask Wolf: “so what do you like to do with your spare time? Do you have any hobbies?”
“My hobby is masturbation!” blurts out Wolf.
“So is mine!” says the homeless lady. “I like to play my planet clitoris like I’m playing the guitar!”
“Yes! The Spanish guitar!” blurts out Wolf. “the Spanish guitar should accompany World War III! World War III shall be the great final orgasm of the human race!”
The homeless lady applauds. Wolf continues masturbating.
The train stops at a subway station. Wolf suddenly gets up and runs out of the train, with his penis dangling out as he runs. And you’re running after Wolf, and as Wolf is running up the stairs to the street you yell out to Wolf: “who’s your favorite author?”
“Me! I’m my favorite author! I’m the tornado that your open legs will welcome! I’m the laughter that is coming from all the mailboxes! I’m the jazz saxophonist of the Middle Ages! I write the greatest poetry on the planet Mars!”
Wolf reaches the street. His penis is still dangling out of his pants as he runs down the crowded streets. People stare and shout and scream as Wolf runs by.
You run after Wolf screaming out: “do you have any recommendations for new writers??”
“Masturbate!” answers Wolf. “Masturbate all the time! Only through masturbation is there salvation! Only in masturbation will you reach the glorious afterlife of postmodern literature with open legs! Because postmodern literature is the great peanut butter!” Wolf is yelling now. You’re trying to keep up with Wolf, but he’s running so fast! Wolf is getting further & further ahead of you, and you think you’re about to lose him, when suddenly Wolf stops in front of a group of dogs.
One dog is ****ing another dog, while about four dogs are hanging around waiting their turn. Wolf kicks the male dog that’s ****ing. The dog whimpers loudly and bolts away. That’s when Wolf mounts the female dog, and begins pumping her real hard.
While Wolf is fornicating with the four-legged ***** you ask Wolf: “and what would you say are the major influences on your writing??”
“The end of the world! McDonald’s! Herpes! Prostitution! Cocaine! And more cocaine! Cocaine is the answer to everything! What was the question again??”
Wolf is really going at it now, and the female ***** really seems to be enjoying yourself.
“What books did you read when you were younger?” you ask as Wolf continues pumping the *****.
“Pornography. The Bible. That’s sort of thing. Oh my God I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming!!!”
And with that Wolf suddenly seems very relaxed. He falls to the ground and lays there. One of the other dogs mounts the ***** and starts humping her.
“And what time of the day do you most prefer writing? During the day or night?” you ask.
But Wolf never got a chance to answer your question. All of a sudden out of nowhere a bunch of squad cars pulled up — cops were swarming everywhere — and they were pulling their billy clubs out & their big flashlights out — and the cops were beating the **** out of Wolf Larsen with their big billy clubs & flashlights & kicking him...
Suddenly a cop got in your face and demanded: “do you know this man?” The cop’s face was all angry and square-jawed, and there was a big billy club in his hand.
“Oh no sir, never seen him before in my life!” you answered.
As you walked away you saw a limp unconscious Wolf being dragged into the backseat of a squad car by about four or five cops.
A week later there was a fresh new post on that Internet site by that Wolf Larsen guy. It began: “warning: if you are against sex or very religious...”
Copyright 2015 by Wolf Larsen
