A Little Bit Of Humour # 285
PERMANENT CHEESE
Maximillian Mouse is different
And likes to stand out if he can
Which is why he has curly-hair
And his chosen cheese is Permesan
I WAS NEARLY KILLED BY A SALT LORRY
I was nearly killed by a salt lorry
As I was riding in Surrey Heath
I was so angry I shouted at the driver
Though it was through gritted teeth
THE SOCIAL LIFE
Bimbette, an unmarried mother
Went to claim benefit
And in front of a case manager
She was asked to sit
He asked her
“How many children do you have then?”
After a few moments
Bimbette finally replied “Ten”
Horrified and thinking this was
“One of thoseť claims
“Ten?” Said the case manager
“What are their names?”
Bimbette replied impatiently
“They're all called Wayne”
“They're all called Wayne?
Isn't that a bit of a pain?
“Naah” she said
“If they're out playing in the street
“I just shout, ““Come in Wayne”
and it works a treat”
“It works at bed time
and when it’s time for dinner”
“But what if”
asked the manager in a perturbed manner
“You want to speak to one boy individually?”
He said
“That's easy,” she replied
“I use their surnames instead”
A NIGHT WITH A FIT BIRD
I pulled a girl on Saturday night
And when we were getting at it
She rasped, moaned and thrashed about
And I don’t mean just a bit
Well I thought I was a great lover
That I have to admit
But alas she was an asthmatic
Having an epileptic fit
IT WAS 1066
It was 1066
And that taught me a lesson
Never buy a wristwatch
From any random person
I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 1
I tried donating blood today
But the problem on this visit
Were too many stupid questions
For example, who's blood is it?
SAVING DONKEYS
I made a huge donation
To a Donkey Charity
As they were being abused
At the donkey spanktuary
EVERY MORNING LIKE CLOCKWORK
Every morning like clockwork
I have a healthy bowel movement
At 6 o’clock without exception, but
I don’t wake until well after the event
GETTING ON # 1
You know you are getting old
When you can’t work out how
The cereal got into the fridge
And you can’t find the milk now
THERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT HAPPEN
There are three things that happen, when
You reach my age, in my view
The first thing, your memory starts to go
And I’ve forgotten the other two
WAS JESUS MARRIED # 1
Was Jesus married?
Was a she behind his success?
That might well explain
40 days in the wilderness
HE HAD A CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER
He had a crush on his teacher
And he thought she said be mine,
While she was marking his essay
And what she said was B minus
THEY WANTED TO SPICE UP THE SEX
They wanted to spice up the sex
To get back on the same page
So she dressed as a mummy
As she thought he was into bandage
COMMENTATING ON EQUESTRIAN # 1
At his first equestrian event
And he thought he was seeing a mirage
The campest parade ring he’d ever seen
Turned out to be the dressage
SEX TOY UPGRADE
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However, these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time, he can
Tinkering with the car’s parts
Rather than the woman
