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i dont know if i can offer anything constructive. let me preface by saying that i think, stylistically, your poem is contemporary, the kind intended to obscure. the others all strive for the grandiose witty flourish. i've seen many in magazines like Poetry. The obscurantism begins, not with mentioning the term twice, but with the unknown "he"---just some guy, and then the poem carries on to speak for the masses with its univeralizing "you." a tough sell from the get go. i read the poem several times. the first stanza sets the tone for what's to come, the unfolding of a very personally-inspired piece--like you're singing with your eyes closed, oblivious (or neglectful of your audience) in other words, so personal it's impersonal. it's your subject/predicament; you and you alone hold the anchor(s), and i want to believe there is one, or more. but after four/five reads i'm tired, annoyed, a bit offended even (?) by its trivialization (intended?) in S2, L1':"you learn death from movies"
you leave the reader--me, feeling stupid for admitting i don't know what the hell the point is. maybe that's the point? and the title is another enigma.
if i may contradict myself, i actually like the way the poem reads. it's just missing something, to pull it together, something.
hope this helps. thanks for reading mine, blp.
I didn't mean to leave anyone feeling stupid, but it is a bit of a riddle I suppose. Hope this helps too: gag (pun), joke, choke, following the form (at which point it breaks down from three line strophes to two), go out smiling (structure of a joke), banana skin (kicked away, sick punchline avoided blithely avoided by astute, serious pallbearer).
Thanks for reading mine too.
i knew there was an impeccable structure to that poetic madness of yours. :) ahh, i get it, now---very cool. poetry at its finest. thanks for explaining and not calling me a dufus! :) i'll check out your other stuff. be well.
's a pleasure.
Anyway, too be fair, maybe it was a little 'contemporary'. It's very old and when I wrote it I was trying for something that was pretty much precisely that. It's almost a pastiche.
If this be madness, there is method in it; several plays on words, you may, for example, choke on a cherry pit, slip on a banna skin, which can put you into that ambulance. Then also, both types of fruit can "bruise", which you apply to the unknown in the accident. Skin covers our "bones" but if one wants to eat a banna, one must "skin" it, a careless drop will drop you! "Embalm depression" as we do the dead, and is the "pallbearer" carring off the depression, kicking away the garabage that caused it, or the person that died from it? Neat. BLP! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l1...ilycircle2.gif
And I would just like to add my two cents worth -- I thought the poem was very cool, blp, and enjoyed Pendragon's insightful comments. Thanks for that aesthetic moment people! :)
Yes, lovely post, Pendragon. Thanks, kiz, too, for the two cents. I'll save them for the interest.
A witty poem, blp. What were you saying here
The lens of the orb
Covers the bones of the things with skin
(Colour is the coaxial of emotion
And we must reward neutrality) with obscurity
Bury it.
It's something to do with the overlap between being and perceiving. The brackets allow a double reading. Perception covers structure with skin and/or obscures. We must reward neurality or we must reward it with obscurity. Do we really want to know how things work? Do we really want the mechanism of the world/the joke/the poem explained? It might nullify it's spell.
Very creative blp!
Although I can't fully wrap your description to this image in your poem, it is still very cool indeed, blp! Do you have any more poems posted? I would love to read it
Camellia revived some of my old ones recently and they're only a short way down - probably on page 2. Further digging will turn up plenty more too.