Originally Posted by
Mojtaba-Iraqi
Criticism is appreciated.
I wandered Alone
God may present not better gifts (+ than)
Touching sights of beyond paintings and imagination (- lose this line)
Groves and rivers, (- breeze and) majestic tranquility
Beside ('by' instead of 'beside') Euphrates, where Adam housed (we actually do not know where Adam housed...) and Abraham
History, beauty, grandeur and Greek Elysium (- lose this line)
How perfect were the sights ( - and the sky, where embraces)
The mighty spell of green orchards ( - and Euphrates)
And God said, 'let there be light'
And there ('and lo' instead of 'and there') ( - 'from naught' you don't need it) rose Mesopotamia
***
The very cottages fell asleep amid
And still hearts of fallen mighty bodies
Among storm, fire and throne’s greed
A mother hugging her babe beside a palm
That never ceased to smile and patiently rise
And lovers holding hands, beneath the sky of bliss
Fallen with tears on cheeks that narrate the tale
Of eternal farewell, or may meet next to God (this whole part reads obscure)
***
The tale of the smiling victim and crying executioner
Still survives upon the victim’s grave
Despite the executioner’s castles and lofty towers (clear political words, well connected with the tale)
***
Upon a child’s tomb I stepped and stopped ('I stepped on a child's tomb, but there were so many' instead of your line, keep it simple!)
Heard a voice ( - 'from that grave among other thousand graves', + :)
“My father wept that I leapt to my killer’s hands
Won’t I go to mom, in that blissful grave?
Struggling under his bloody sword, to fly to unknown
And now, hugging her in warmth, forever”
Alas! Born to have their heads off
My grief melts down but in my own heart
And weep in vain, for no mind can see my tears." (pare this quotation of the dead child down to something clearer and thus more poignant)
