A Humourous Selection # 20

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2

Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out

MY MISSING WIFE

My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet

DYNAMITE BLONDE

The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'

The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”

He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”

HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR

I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work

WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY

My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right

Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat
SHIRK ETHIC

I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare

ALIMONY VENDOR

A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey

PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE

This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun

Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun

SELF-MEDICATING

There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not

THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION

They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies