Inamorato

Another poetical story- any criticisms or comments are appreciated.


Benjamin Lockwood loved Ashley Kent,
And so offered his hand with the best of intents
Ashley being pretty and smart,
Set down her terms, and then snatched his heart.
Lockwood would propose again by the sea,
On the shore of an island off the coast of Maui.
After two weeks of planning the agreed upon trip,
Ben finally swept Ashley away on a ship.
They arrived at the island on the fifth of May,
And rented a cottage that looked out o’er the bay.
Then one evening in the shade of a tree,
Benjamin queried again on one knee.
Ashley laughed, reddened, and started to cry,
Then started to speak with a petulant sigh.
“I’ll never love you, you pitiful fool,
Though you’ve served me well as a financial tool.
The man I love lives here, you see,
And he’s down on the shore, just waiting for me.
And while this trick I can’t condone,
I’d have never made it here alone.”
She turned and ran off to find her man,
Leaving her poor victim alone on the sand.
Benjamin Lockwood went home to his bed,
Pulled out a gun, and shot himself dead.

The simplicity of it works really well here.

I echo Ch. Darnay words but I would kill her first.
In Byron's name !

I hope you intended to make the reader laugh... There are some glitches in the rhythm (extra and missing beats) which do stand out a bit in such a strongly rhythmed piece. eg. you don't really need "so" in line 2, and line 3 could use an extra pair of syllables:

"Ashley, being pretty and rather smart"

"Lockwood would" is a bit clunky and an invitation to stumble when reading aloud and the line would be better: "Lockwood again proposed by the sea" I don't think you need the would as the proposal is just one in a series and you later tell us that he did it again anyway.

"...off the coast of Muai" would be better as, "not far from Muai" in order to maintain rhythm.

"After two weeks of planning the agreed upon trip,
Ben finally swept Ashley away on a ship."

"After two weeks panning they took the trip
and Ben swept Ashley away on a ship."

"They arrived at the island on the fifth of May, (cut)
And rented a cottage that looked out o’er the bay. (over)

Well, I guess you can see what I'm getting at. Notwithstanding, this is a fun piece and an amusing read.

Live and be well - H

Ashley Kent- a clever and weaselly heroine. Her deceptive nature almost makes her virtuous! Ha! As for the poem itself, despite the minor flaws, I found reading it to be enjoyable. I hope you continue to write narrative poetry.