sunk

I were seated on me throne thinkin' thoughts I wouldna thunk
Were I'd been sittin' elsewhere, elseways also somewhere else,
Then slight began a shakin', an' next a more nervous quakin',
When to me utter complete surprise me house it suddenly sunk!

Down we dropped did me an' house, down to a different level,
What came as a total shock 'cause it were built on solid rock,
Beneath musta been crumbly 'cause we didn't end up jumbly,
But then a sharp rappin' caught me off guard, 'What the Devil!'

Who could it've been at this early stage of proceedin's
With me unprepared to answer - especially as me pants are
Around me ankles an' I seem to've run outta paper, then I
Remember some in the laundry for general newsy readin's

I hurries as fast as practical and scurries to get the door
But I needs to check me pulse as I commences to convulse
I froze a bit and shaked some, while me body it ached some
From the sudden impact of the stop - good we hadn't sunk more

'I'll be right there with yer!' I shouted as loudly as I could;
But the pain it bodily permeated - like bein' totally herniated
From the impact of the landing, though I might've been standing
'Course it may have made it worse - say legs splinterin' like wood

I clutched meself agonically as if I were needin' to hold together
Eventually arriving through the mess in a state of much distress
And managed to turn the doorknob half expectin' an angry mob
Who's property value'd sunk lower than a bathysphere sans tether

Lower than ourselves in fact, but now I've got this 'visitor'
I gazed aghast at the ghastly, whose grotesquity was vastly:
Its eyes were red like rubies, its chest adorned with boobies,
Cleft feet, and on its head what looked like horns. 'Satan is it? Or-..?'

'Not he,' it replied, a subterranean denizen from an ancient culture
And one what few up above had heard but only those who bothered,
They largely kept to themselves until such as a cave explorer delves
And discovers their rabbit habitat and habitual habits, if it suit yer

'Well come in!' I greeted it, 'Nice to meet yer - make yerself at home!
'Sorry if I've caused a trouble, but beneath I believe there was a bubble,
'And consequently we've crashed through down to here we've smashed
'So anyway, what are yer - I'd guess yer'd be some sorta gnome..?'

'What!' it sneered unpleasantly at my evident apparent blathering
'That's an insult and an outrage! Your mouth you should disengage -
'Firstly I'm taller than you, but more important is how you're going to undo
'Your damage and inconvenience by crushing my humble dwelling..?'

'Yer mean?' I say, just realisin' what me house's escapade had done
'Presently I have a problem, perhaps a sort of rupture in me abdomen
'Soon as I get outta hospital me insurance agency should inspect it all
'But until then and that day yer welcome to move in here old Son!'

'Central air conditionin' though the solar panels is now redundant,
'Runnin' water from the taps, a bathtub in what yer could swim laps
'Under there's a basement I use for amusement an' amazement
'A library of books, cocktail bar, an' pinball machines abundant!'

'Maybe,' it started, scouring the surrounds, 'we'll strike another deal
'I mean the price to lift this place all the way back up to the surface
'Would be very expensive - let's not leap, but rather spend time pensive
'As I could see myself living here quite happily indefinitely - for real'

'But it is me home,' I told it, 'only a loan, an' eventually I'd like it back
'Again I's sorry about what yer lost, but they should cover the cost
'Besides, livin' undergound a mile it couldn't possibly be to yer style
'We could always build yer another, equal with the modcons intact...'

'Then that would make me rejoice,' it said a little creepily for my liking
'And until that day I'll reside, treat it as my own seaside retreat
'But you'll probably be wanting a lift, to the surface we should shift
'You to a doctor, nurse or somesuch - but I hope you're up to hiking.'

'Hikin'? Not in my state - I think I'll be requirin' a stretcher or sedan,
'Though it may take too long and I have no idea what might be wrong,
'Perhaps if we sent out for a specialist - and perhaps a speliologist
'To guide him down here safely and then me dicomforture be ridden'

'I like the way your brain works to sort out the awkward situation
'Yes, that is indeed good thinking, a doctor with a hobby in sperlunking
'Who could come and you fix up, while my new house I can mix up
'Aspects of the old with elements of the new - in various permutation!'

'Don't worry about my design choices - with diploma in interior aesthetics
'As part of our arrangement it's my prerogative for rearrangement
'And blah blah blah,' it went on about aquariums and things hellbent on
So I quickly interrupted: 'Does yer certificate stretch to include ethics?'

'Watcha mean!' it rasps gratingly apparently considerably taken aback
'I mean,' I begins, 'that I am in desperation of some hospice consideration!'
'Oh, why didn't you say so? Now I guess I could let you use my cellphone
'Considering you're in need of some domiciliary care and all that sort of tack'

'What's this?' I asks in bewilderment at its subterranean innovation
As it hands me a tin can out of what springs an old frayed piece of string
'Cellphone!' it explains, but words can't describe me horror nor me pains
'Yer's gotta be kiddin' me!' I blasts, 'it's no phone - but an abomination!'

'No need to get nasty,' it grins enigmatically, 'Yer just have to give it a try'
I do so and then to my surprise discover that it is connected to another
And amid the laughter a helpful voice chimes out, 'A doctor is it you're after?'
'Yes! A doctor is required immediately an' in a hurry - tell him to fly!'

Nothin' else to do but to sit around watchin' me furniture be juggled
By a decorator obsessed and crazed, what seems to build itself a maze
Well eventually comes the doctor what proves to be a chiropractor
An' I tells him to get me out as soon as possible as me sanity woggled

An' I shoulda ordered a psychiatrist into the bargain