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There was a poem on the web, a poem in the air,
but when I looked, and looked again, that poem was not there.
Jack, don't be such a tease. Put the poem up, or I'm going to drink the last drop of this fine chianti without giving you any.
Sorry gents. Some poems just aren't worth putting you through.
J
Why did you take it down? It was a very good poem. I thought the last stanza was really powerful.
I have been censored. Now you're censoring yourself. What is this censorship in literature? I don't get it. Chaste readers have a choice--they can go to threads about gods and angels. Now, let me read it, Jack. :)
Oh well, but it is Jack's right to release what he is comfortable releasing, when he's ready to do so. It is nailing your poem up in public after all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack of Hearts
Fine.
(Glug... glug... glug.... ... ... belch.)
It is not censoring but simply consideration for others.Quote:
Originally Posted by miyako73
However, the idea of "being censored" might give some a sense of being victimised and something to talk about.
:)
jack, really, put it up again, pleeeease.
Ok, it's back.
J
There's a really good poem lurking in here Jack but it's being overshadowed by the occasional misstep in phrasing and rhythm. A tad overwritten in places. Take the first line. you might want to trim this a bit:
"Birds are singing on the fence,
people jog, children laugh,
a heart breaks on a park bench."
The use of a possessive personal pronoun in the last line here doesn't work because it sets up an expectation of a narrative about "her" but "She" makes only one other appearance in the penultimate verse. "Her" is to specific when most of the poem is counched in terms of generalities: people, children, birds, etc.
"It's midday hot, they wear spandex,
earphones drown Spring's song
to run deaf and dumb like wild words
that say you're much too young."
In this stanza the spandex reference is in the wrong place. It confuses the sense of the sentence. Depending on whether you are concerned whith the stanza line count you should either omit "they wear spandex" altogether and amend line three to accommodate syntactical necessity, or shift it:
"It's midday hot, and earphones drown
Spring's song; they wear Spandex,
running deaf and dumb, with wild words
that say you're much too young."
might be a working compromise.
There are a couple of things to note in S3. Depending on your readers' age and cultural background, the use of "blooming" here has connotations of mid 20th Century British films with chirpy Cockneys. Blooming in this case reads like a Bowdlerisation of a swear word, "what a blooming shame." I'd be inclined to find an alternative. The other problem is the line break at line 3.
"The birds, a flashing shade of blue,
are brilliant, like their song.
Firmly perched, they always know
where every breath belongs."
Is my suggestion. You still keep the B alliteration but it's less heavy handed. The other changes tidy up the rhythm.
S4 is the weakest, although I like the first one and a half lines. The last line of this stanza is particularly suspect. I'm inclined to recommend that you drop this stanza altogether, but if you can't bear to, it really needs reworking.
With S5 I'm not keen on "Children shriek the setting sun" They could shriek at or to or with, the setting sun, but the way this is worded conjours an image of a setting sun popping out of their mouths like a speech bubble. The wording of line 2 is also a little off. You might try: "their play at dusk now urgent" which makes more sense in context.
Despite it's flaws this is a good effort with some memorable images.
live and be well - H
As it should be back, it's good. Admire the understated imagery in the park which helps underscore the story of a dying romance. Guid.
Thanks you guys. Hawk, you're right on with your critique- saw at least some of tge same issues before you replied.
J