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I gaze at the date
on her bare neck,
as we lie on the beach
waiting to be scrap.
Her long dark hair
mingles with the night,
her sapphire eyes shine
like the ocean
under moon light,
a female projection
of my self,
a perfect landscape,
except we aren't.
Her light goes out
followed by mine,
two lightening balls
racing to the clouds,
leaving our bodies
empty on the ground.
I think:
her sapphire eyes shine
like the ocean
is a little cliched but other than that Twota this is really good piece from you. I like it and think of two young people in an imperfect world, ready to throw everything away for each other. On the other hand we could be talking about cyborgs too!
This is pretty deep and I like the reference to scrap.
Kinda the way all love eventually turns into.
There's just something odd about this poem, the title for starters. It almost reads as though you started writing a poem about one thing and then it turned into something else about half way through. I just can't make the connection with metal through the verses, except in the fleeting mention of scrap.
"I gaze at the date on her bare neck," is a bit strange - is it tattooed there or stamped in ink? If you'd written, "I gaze at my date, at her bare neck" it would make more sense in context. S2 is rather good, but S3 is thrown off the rails a bit by the last two lines.
"watching our bodies
empty on the ground."
The way this is worded it sounds as though you are standing back to appreciate the effects of a powerful emetic. If you had said "leaving" instead of "watching", empty would function as an adjective rather than a verb.
There's an ambiguity in the poem overall. It can be read as a narrative about a suicide pact or a casual encounter; at least, these were the two wich sprang most readily to my mind. The, "except we aren't" functions well as a volta but it's a bit abrupt and telling, whilst saying nothing at the same time. Why aren't the narrator and his companion, "a perfect landscape?"
I think my favourite line is, "her long dark hair mingles with the night", but you've too many definite articles in this line:
"her sapphire eyes shine
like the ocean
under the moon light"
where
"her sapphire eyes shine
like ocean
under moonlight"
might be better. You might also consider dumping the own in "my own self" which just isn't necessary.
There are definitely some interesting things going on in the poem, but I'm inclined to think it could do with a little polishing in places.
Live and be well - H
Thanks Delta, glad you liked it, and yes, we are talking about cyborgs actually. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
Thanks Shadows, glad you liked it, you are right about love. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by ShadowsCool
Hawk, thanks for reading and commenting :D
It is true I started the poem with a different idea and then it became that :D, howerver, I think the title "Metal" fits good as I am talking about cyborgs as Delta said.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
I think this makes the date on her neck more clear, the expiry date, it's like some movie I saw recently. :D
You are absolutely right about "empty on the ground", I meant "empty" as an adjective though it might give a different conclusion, I was thinking about "leaving" instead of "watching", now that you said it, I will edit it right away. :D
As for "Except we aren't", well, it was supposed to be another hint about the..identity? of the narrator and his girlfriend, landscapes are for nature while they are purely artificial, I hope it wasn't too far from my intention.
Thanks again, Hawk. :D
Twota, you took me to a futurist dreamland with this! Thanks for sharing!
I like the ending, but overall I agree with most of Hawk's and Delta's critiques. A love poem about cyborgs is certainly a unique subject!
Bar :D thanks, hope you enjoyed your trip. ;DQuote:
Originally Posted by Bar22do
Morpheus, glad you liked it. Thanks. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman