This is now removed because its back to the drawing board time for this baby.
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This is now removed because its back to the drawing board time for this baby.
Stopped reading about 3/4 of the way through. Not because it's all particularly bad, but because it isn't this reader's genre. By any means. "I've got a crush on you" is not how we talk to women man, completely weak and revolting- in this reader's opinion, according to how he lives his own life. And those names. Ugh. That's not a critique so much as a reaction. This was like trying to watch a 'chick-flick.' There's definitely a market for this stuff, though.
Anyways, still wanted to try and offer useful feedback rather than just aesthetic. So here we go.
This sentence is too long and has too much going on in it. Break it up into at least two sentences. Do this for the sake of a smooth reading. This happens in a few other places throughout the story.Quote:
Skye fiddled with the collar of the white dress shirt that poked up from the neck of her green sweater before she took a sip of her vanilla latte. “Um, Mick?”
The bit after the dialogue comes along too clumsily and doesn't contribute anything. Kill it.Quote:
She shook her head before she took another sip. “But I need to talk to you,” she said as she put her Caribou Coffee cup down.
Breakitupsopeoplecanreaditeasierbecauseithasalotgo ingon.Quote:
She opened her mouth, shut it a second later, anxiety in her eyes as she fiddled with the collar of the white dress shirt that poked over the neck of her green sweater.
Just a couple thoughts; by no means a thorough reading. Even though this reader didn't like it aesthetically, he still thinks you can dig into this and find your nitch, find a good readership.
J
Chick-lit - not an easy genre to get to grips with for a male writer. And that may be your main problem with this piece.
No guy is going to bother reading this sugar candy much beyond the half-way mark - it's nauseatingly saccharine.
And the ladies will smell a rat pretty early on as well because the dialogue isn't authentic and the behaviour from the man's pov comes across as pure fantasy rather than actual seduction. At best it's a male fantasy dressed up as "romance" - at worst a rather distasteful trawl through someone's underwear drawer.
H
Guys, this is a "good guy wins good girl away from vile dude"-type story done in an understated manner. In fact, my best friend had *exactly* the same time of jerkweed boyfriend before she met Mr. Right and she commented on how spot-on I was.
What is more, "Lyle" is inspired by my jerkweed father who now lives divorced in Florida who once indeed did what Lyle does, abliet to my poor mom. To be as blunt as General Patton, I hope a hurricane kills the pervert. Still, creating "Lyle" is a way I can dump that sense of "Yuck! Ick!" overboard.
Finally, "Lyle" also gets some components from the loser who first married the girl I had a crush on when we both were kids.
Beyond all this stuff, I belive this is a tale of feelings long suppressed finally being released. The lovemaking is only the medium of that release between these two friends-turned-lovers.
Romance is not really my thing either, but I *do* like the "guy gets the girl"-type stuff because a life without sweet romance is, well, dull, IMO.
I grant I need to fine tune this baby, though. Thanks for the feedback, Jack of Hearts. :-)
And Hill: thanks for your feedback too, but we seem to have split views on what this tale is about, sarge. :-)
Listen to hill, though. He hit upon something very important.
It does seem you're writing chick-lit tweaked to a guy's perspective, and that audience is probably still out there... but it's bound to be very much significantly smaller than the vast ocean of women who read chick-oriented chick-lit.
It would take a very soft man to enjoy this. Or maybe only the author can as it may be some sort of fantasy. What hill said about 'underwear drawer' is pretty much right on right now.
J
A screaming irony here: I didn't study the "chick lit" genere at all before I wrote this!
Seriously, my goal is for this to be a tale of true feeling suppressed until something ugly allows them to be expressed to the full. Opinions as to how to accomplish that are more than welcome, gang.
Well, kangels, this reader didn't mean to offend you...
Jack of Hearts is an imperfect reader. He makes mistakes, can't always articulate things precisely etc. Maybe 'chick-lit' isn't a precise term, but it was the best he had to explain his reaction to you.
If you love writing something, then keep on writing it. This reader wouldn't try to dissuade you from that. But he'll try to give you honest feedback every time.
J
It's not even chick lit to me. It's cheesy (not that chick lit isn't often cheesy, but yikes). I don't like the narrative at all. This is another male character from you that would gross me out in reality. He's a weak, pathetic, childish creep. I've never met a woman in my life who would act the way this girl does or speak the way she speaks. Send it to a nudie mag, but I think they would reject it too.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it's clear that the writer doesn't understand women or even men who could have potential success in courting women. This one offended me.
Varenne:
You are correct this tale shows lack of understanding of women. I sent you a PM explaining why because I'd rather keep the gory details off the boards here.
Jack:
Relax, dude. I'm not offended by your feedback. :-) When it comes to historical fiction, I'm an ace because I've studied the best of the best of the genre and drawn inspiration from them. It also doesn't hurt that I have a deep passion for the subject.
The romance genre I am a raw novice at because, while I've read novels with romantic subplots to them, I lack real-life experiences to draw from. Still, since I am a romantic sort at heart, and like challenging myself as a writer, I've taken a couple shots at it. With the help of interested parties at this forum, I'm sure I can make them work.