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The great wall is powdered gold,
By the tired sun, slowly rising,
Only to fall back upon his own weight.
A trickle of lingering night
Floats in the corner of my palace,
It chills the air a dark blue.
Streaks of surreal colors
Hiccup, laugh, and mourn their drunkenness
They sing a drowsy tune,
Tall green forests and rolling fields
Licked azure and olive by
Young fauns and faeries.
The sun light rushes in
Washing away the leftover
Colors of dreams.
I actually quite enjoyed this - though I'm not sure where 'my palace' fits into the scheme of things. It's a little precious in places but the elegance of the images make up for that.
H
This is definitely vivid. This reader didn't understand 'great wall' or 'palace', or whether or not the narrator was actually in the field or looking at it from within his 'palace.' But the language used is fine enough to appreciate in itself.Thanks for sharing it.
J
As always thanks for the responses, it is nice hearing varied opinions on ones work.
The "palace" and "great wall" are more metaphorical images for ambiance rather that physical objects per se, I suppose.
The images are vivd. I think Hill summed it up very well. I especially like
"Licked azure and olive by
young fauns and faeries..."
A big fan of the imagery, not of the grammatical flow. You have a few instances where a comma is not necessary, another instance where grammar is needed--but those are just trifles. You had wonderful imagery, especially this.
Aside from this, perhaps the poem winds on a little too much. But, I'm uncertain how I feel about the work besides admiration for the clever images.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexander III