Middle age and upwards

50 SOMETHING

So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone

MIDDLE AGED SEAT

I’m in my middle years now
And my new car is a wow
It’s fast, new and sporty
Just the opposite of me
It is sleekly lined
With its curves well defined
It has a nice interior
The leather is quite superior
My only complaint would be
The bucket seats you see
As they are made to the design
Of a smaller bucket than mine

CONSTITUTIONAL

Old Joe shuffled his way
Along the promenade one day
He decided it was time to stop
As he passed an ice cream shop
He moved slowly and painfully
And climbed on a stool carefully
After catching his breath a bit
Old Joe ordered a banana split
"Crushed nuts?" asked the waitress
"No," he replied, "just arthritis."

HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY

Three old friends walking from
The old folks retirement home
"Windy, isn't it?" said Harry
"No, it's Thursday!" said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
"So am I let's get a beer"

A BLOCKED VALVE

I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea

LONG LIFE

“What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures

GODS GRACE

Little Grace sat hugging her granddad
“Did God make you granddad”? She said
As she stroked his old wrinkled face
Then ran her fingers across his balding head
“Yes sweetheart God did make me”
Then she touched her own face
“And did God make me too”?
“Yes God made you too my little Grace”
She thought for a moment then said
“Well in that case then I guess
God must have fixed the problems
In the manufacturing process”

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"

STROKE OF LUCK

Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy

NEW RESOLVE

My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”

DIPPED OUT

In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

I’ve always been paranoid
That I will admit
And for many years
I’ve been getting help with it
Now to a life of deafness
I have been condemned
And I know people talk about me
But now I can’t hear them

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap
Just because I’m old
I still have talent and skills to offer
If I may be so bold

My talent is called multi tasking
Or so I’ve been led to believe
And I can simultaneously wet myself
And laugh, cough, fart and sneeze

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Am I the loveliest of them all?
Mirror, mirror tell me for sure
To stop me feeling insecure

Mirror, mirror hanging there
You needn’t tell me I look fair
Let me think that I look slim
So I can look good for him

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Tell me that my bum is small
Mirror, mirror looking glass
Tell me that’s not all my arse

THE NAKED TRUTH (1)

Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed
"You have perfect eyesight" He replied

AN ILL WIND

An elderly couple were in church
When about halfway through,
May leant over and whispered
In the ear of her husband lou,
'I just let out a silent fart
What do you think I should do?'
'I think you should put a new battery
In your hearing aid' Replied Lou

THE NAKED TRUTH (2)

Mary stood naked before her husband
“What do you like most about me?”
"What is it that turns you on more,
My pretty face or my sexy body?"
He perused her nakedness briefly
"Your sense of humour!" said hubby

SWEET MYSTERY

For Valentines Day
My husband, so sweet
Bought hand made chocolates
For me as a treat
In a flower covered box
Came the delicious confection
But I am at a loss to answer
A most curious question
How can two pounds of chocs
So delicious on the lips
Manage in just one night
To put 5lbs on my hips

WOW GRAN

A teenage boy walks in the room
And asks his granny
"Have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD"
She looks at him and smiles
"**** the pills” Says she
“What about the dragon
Sat on the settee"

PLATEX WOMAN

What with middle age spread
And the force of gravity
Time has played havoc
With my once sylph like body
My hour glass figure is no more
Alas it’s more like a barometer case
And my “cross your heart” bra
Is more of a “cross your waist”