The child catcher

This first started out as my english corsework and just took off from there =)
hope you like it!
:)


Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who-
“BORING”
I glared at my little brother who was jumping up and down on the bed beside me. “If you don’t like the story then get lost, I am trying to read this to Tyler”

“But he is just as uninterested as I am, I mean look at him!”I turned to face my other little brother (the one who I wasn’t ashamed to call family), he was sitting in his red car shaped bed with his toes in his mouth. I smiled 2 year olds where very flexible.
“This blows” my other brother jumped of the bed breathlessly “I am gonna watch TV”

“No you’re not” I grabbed his pyjama top and pulled him back.
“Your not the boss of me calie!” he shouted shrugging me off him.
“Err yes I am, mom left me in charge remember, I am 3 years older than you so you can just get in your room”
“I don’t care what mom said I am 11 and I can take care of myself”.
“Oh well do you want me to ring mom and tell her that you don’t care?” I said cunningly. Admitting defeat he flopped himself onto the bed groaning with his head in his hands victoriously I picked up the book entitled ‘Cinderella’. I read for a moment then stopped “Can the jackass in the corner stop with the moaning!” he was really starting to agitate me now.
“The names Stephan” he muttered through his hands, I shot him a dirty look and began to read, looking down at Tyler who was still sucking on his toes, Stephan was right he wasn’t interested, but I still carried on
“ She had long-“
“Cant you tell us another story” Stephan moaned wriggling his head about in his hands.
“Like what” I sighed
“like the Child Catcher” he took his face out of his hands to reveal a massive grin.
“I don’t think so” I said impatiently
“why not “
“Because it’ll scare Tyler, and do you want to stay up with him all night? Besides I can’t even remember half of the stories granddad told us”
“Well I can” he stood up straight, cleared his throat and began to talk, in a posh English accent “Ladies and gentlemen welcome to-”
I raised my eye brow “just get to the story”
“Hay no talking” Stephan pointed. Angrily I crossed my arms.
“Any way, our story begins at noon in the dead of night much like tonight, a man wonders the streets of old London town, a mysterious figure he is, a black cape hides his murderous face (rein acting the story he put his arm across his face like a vampire) he walks with a limp and a cane in his left hand”.
I turned to face Tyler who had taken his toes out of his mouth and was now watching Stephan transfixed.

“A note can be seen in the other hand, it is a list you say, and yes it is
of all his victims he would like to meet,
no matter how fast how hard you may run
when your name comes up your time is almost done, (someone was whimpering)
when your parents come home all they will find
is a note with his initials C.C underlined
and this may come as a terrible fright
but the child catcher sees you.... and he is coming tonight”

Tyler’s whimpers could be herd from streets down.
“look what you have done!” I shouted “you scared him half to death” I held my little brothers hands and looked into his teary eyes
“I W-WANT M-M-MUMMY” he wouldn’t stop, I felt so helpless for him, he griped onto my arms and wailed “I WANT M-MUMMY”.
Stephan nudged me out the way and picked Tyler up “well see it this way” he shouted over Tyler’s hysterical cries “If you don’t stop crying you will make him hear you, and then he definitely will come for you”. I would bet that even aliens could here my little brother at that point. I grabbed him off Stephan.
“Are you completely insane! Don’t you think that, that would make him even more scared!” I could feel Tyler’s wet tears running down my neck, “Well” I shouted
“Not really” Stephan shrugged not looking the slightest bit guilty. If I hadn’t of been holding my brother at that point I would have swung for Stephan. But I had to think, I had to stop Tyler from crying “get me is blue teddy” I said quickly. Stephan ran down stairs and came back moments later, holding my brother’s favourite blue teddy bare, as soon as I gave it to him he fell silent.
“thank God” Stephan cried
“shut up” I said firmly, “it was your fault”

I spent the next hour softly cradling Tyler until he fell asleep in my arms, than carefully I tucked him into his bed and closed his bedroom door. Marching down the stairs I was greeted by the sound of the TV. I glared at Stephan who was sitting cosy on the sofa eating popcorn from a bowl.
“what” he muffled with his mouth full of popcorn
“don’t try and act like you don’t know” It was late almost noon, I tried to keep my voice down but my anger rose it back up.
“I told you not to tell him that story, and now if the neighbours have herd Tyler you are the one who is gonna answer to dads belt”.
“Well he is gonna have to learn about it sooner or later”,
I couldn’t be bothered with his stupidity “what are you going on about” I could hear the rain starting to fall outside “the Child catcher is a real person Callie duh”
Stressing out I put my hands to my head as I spoke “I swear mom dropped you when you were a baby, Stephan the Child catcher is a made up story that granddad used to tell us to make us be good, and if you didn’t notice he did not tell us when we where 2 years old!”
“Granddad wouldn’t lie Callie” I hated it when he tried to act all innocent.
“Well I’ve got news for you he lied to you about the Child Catcher, he lied to you about Santa claws, and oh yeah he lied to you about the tooth fairy as well” The rain was starting to get faster
“stop lying Calie”
I laughed hysterically “see that’s the problem with you, you are 11 years old and you still believe in all that CRAP, what is wrong with you,”
my voice started getting louder with every word “Stephan you really need to grow up”
“Stop being mean Calie! Stop”.
But seeing him squirm was the drive that made me carry on
“actually you know what I wish that the child catcher were real, so he could come and take you away!” Stephan put his hands to his ears
“I wish that he would creep in right now ” my voice was getting louder and louder but I couldn’t stop “and leave a note on the sofa with his initials” the rain was beating down hard on the windows
“In fact I might send him a note back saying thanks!”
“STOP CALLIE STOP”
The lights went out.
It was pitch black, Stephan screamed I could feel him attach himself to my waist
“Get off me” I spat tiring to feel my way around in the dark,
“no calie I’m scared, I’m scared”
His words went straight through me, I felt terrible.
“Look Stephan” I spoke as softly as I could
“I need to find the light reboot switch, think of Tyler he is all alone in the dark by himself upstairs”.
I felt him loosen his grip on me
“OK” he whimpered.
It took us 10 minutes to find the switch, mostly because Stephan kept on getting in my way. He finally let go of me when the lights were back on. I stared at him, he stared back, his eyes where blotchy from crying.
“Listen Stephan I am really sorr-“
There was a sharp thud from upstairs.
We both looked at each other then ran for my little brother’s room, we reached his bedroom door I opened it calling out his name. There was no reply. I ran to his bed and yanked back the covers. “Where he gone Callie” Stephan’s voice was barley a whisper.
“He is probably hiding somewhere” .Reassuring myself I got up and started to look for him calling out his name.
“Callie he is too small to open his bedroom door and there is no where for him to hide in here”
I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Callie, Callie are you listening to me”
I couldn’t speak, all I could do was stare at the wall behind Stephan.
“Callie what are you looking at”
“Turn around” I wisped, he did and gave out a cry.
Pinned to the wall was a note. I slowly walked towards it, pulled it off the wall and unfolded it,
My eyes met the letters

C.C

Very nice story, thanks for sharing. I would critique it but I think it's written perfect the way it is. You have probably polished it a few times anyway if it is old english coursework. :thumbs_up

A wonderful story.

I was captivated by the story. I had significant trouble with the physical format of the text and what might be a lack of commas. Also, you don't use word recognition software, do you? I would not ever normally ask this kind of a question... but there were more than one instance of homonym substitution, (I think) -- the substitution of a word by another with the same sound, but with different meaning. As in: "my brother’s favourite blue teddy bare", which seems wrong unless Teddy is a naked sleeping buddy!

Another interesting one was, "Tyler’s whimpers could be herd from streets down." That spelling is one to use when speaking of a buffalo herd (see, there, my word recognition software knows well enough to use that spelling because the word buffalo is nearby), I think you meant to use "heard". As I dictate this message, it occurs to me that you might not have English as your first language. In which case I humbly bow to your obvious mastery of my language.

There were several times when it seemed that a comma or semicolon might be called for to facilitate understanding. I'll admit to being a possible abuser of commas.

The following sentence almost surely needs to be broken up.
Admitting defeat he flopped himself onto the bed groaning with his head in his hands victoriously I picked up the book entitled ‘Cinderella’. I read for a moment then stopped “Can the jackass in the corner stop with the moaning!” he was really starting to agitate me now.

AN ALTERNATE WRITING OF THE SAME WORDS MIGHT BE:
Admitting defeat, he flopped himself onto the bed, groaning with his head in his hands victoriously. I picked up the book entitled ‘Cinderella’. I read for a moment then stopped, “Can the jackass in the corner stop with the moaning!”, he was really starting to agitate me now.

Your story is actually quite a bit more than "good"; I was eager to read on, even with a moderate amount of missing punctuation (in my opinion).

Good work and keep writing.
_ P.