amuse
in a blue moon

from the kitchen
i navigate
D stairs
to the bathroom,
and L more
from there
to my room

once upon a time
i was afraid of
falling - isn't that
every pregnant
woman's worst
nightmare?

but then i became
excited so i stopped
just counting stairs,
i wanted to
teach you
letters too

your 5 year-old
brother has already
borrowed my copy

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i am in the kitchen
studying o-chem
making muffins.

my despondency
leaks into the batter
out of the D-glucose
onto the blender and
under my tongue;
i taste the swirls of
pain the absence of
her laugh, her
smile, the absence of
her angel eyes

and am startled when

handel breaks
in upon my
silence with "hallelujah!"
and various other
choral

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gouge me with a
turret and
clean out my
pores,
scatter my
bones so that
vultures can
sing

i'd like to
pretend
that i am still
clean but the
mirror of hades
is grinning at
me

***this still awaits revision and is not the finished version***

i have been thirsty-
i do not mean
like one in the desert;
that i could stand.

i have craved water
with it all around
holding my cup out under
rivers tumbling

cascading heavily
threatening
to drown
but my cup
remains empty i
cannot be cleansed

and the guilt remains
tattooed on my skin

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i would have loved to
have brushed your
hair and kissed your
cheeks
you were
perfect, precious
if i hadn't cried i
wouldn't have seen
i think you would
have blinded me when
you came to me
i miss you my
love,
my little girl.
you should have been born
today it
kills me to live
without you
i wish i could
have seen you
in the dressing room
told you how beautiful

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