day in a life

I have been opening up to myself and certain people around me about the fact that I am so lost in my head. I'm gonna try not to sound as mean and harsh as I did in my last blog cause that conversation has been on my mind for some days now. First of all it has been pointed out to me that I enjoy the 'evil' side more than the 'good'. My son surely doesn't understand why I think Magneto is way cooler than Prof.X (we are watching all the X-men movies again) . I find it funny when people do something stupid or make a clumsy mistake.

I may have mentioned this before but my brother said that some people are good storytellers (pointed at himself) and some are good material for stories (pointing at me). It's fun to make fun of me, I think so too so it's OK. My brother on the other hand sometimes doesn't really get what he should say and what not. He tells guys about me if he thinks it's funny and doesn't realize it's not always funny for me. It's OK cause I don't really care but the way people around me react, my friends are shocked about the things he says so I can't help but think it hurts my 'chances'. My friends say they would get so mad if these things were said about them. I guess I'm good material for stories for two reasons, odd things happen to me and I don't care who knows it.

Now back to the top thought, I have been thinking about my BA thesis. I have had two ideas in my head for a long time and I was kinda decided on one but when I talked to this guy who was writing about Nick Cave the other idea popped up.

I feel like I need help to decide, I don't need to make the choice right now but I need to start at least. Some of my friends are writing their BA this summer and some next fall, I'm gonna do it after Christmas though. My two ideas are very different one is to write about Grendil and the way he is in movies now and how that is different from the poem. The other one is literature references in Morrissey's lyrics. I find both very interesting, I had decided on Grendil but it seemed like so much fun what the guy was doing. I do think watching movies and taking notes is cool too...

Maybe I just need to sit down and make a skeleton and see witch one comes more naturally. I have been thinking about Grendil for a while and have even bought books about heroes and villains, movie bad guys and all that stuff... I soooo want Tolkien's writings on Beowulf, but it's so expensive. I want to make a clear decision before I go to London in August so I can buy the books cheaper there if I find them.

My closest friend at school is a girl two years younger than me and very different from me. But she is smart and she says that I am more honest about the way I feel than other people and that is why it sounds sometimes like I am 'evil' or 'bad'. Most people find it funny when someone falls but may not want to admit it.. Kids laugh at tom and jerry but they are not allowed to do these things themselves.

I also feel like I have lost my faith in men. sorry to say but I have. I told a friend who is gay that I wish I could just join her team. She said that her wife loves the fact that they use the same size of clothes so they have a double closet now (they got married a few weeks ago). That is not exactly my thoughts but OK. Maybe I'd just loose faith in women then. Another friend was telling me how great it is that her boyfriend got a new apartment where he lives alone so she can keep a lot of stuff there. My initial thought was 'that's stupid cause relationships don't last!' I didn't say it but I thought it. Why would I think that way?! Why do I have more faith in a lesbian relationship than a straight one.

I think I'm broken, I'm trying to figure things out but I can't find the answer to the simplest questions in my head.

why is the mind so complicated and confusing.

Ok I read over this blog and it sounds so depressing so I'm gonna add that I am very happy with my life it's just confusing at times. My son is on holiday now and I am really enjoying it, just relaxing and watching one x-men movie a night. We started with Wolverine and then last night it was First Class and tonight it's X-Men I.

life is good but complicated and my head is just not as organized as my daily life is.