by, 06-25-2007 at 01:58 PM (720 Views)
Prince Beautiful and the Noble Knight
Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived a noble Knight named Ms Tanya. As you can probably imagine, Ms. Tanya was a very lonely knight , and often the subject of intense ridicule by her male peers, who would shout “Hey Princess!” as they rode past on horseback, or “Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen cooking?” as they ate dinner at the local Tavern. Consequently she was a reclusive hermit, eschewing dinner parties and fancy royal weddings for quiet nights at home and long walks on the beach.
Well, one day our gallant Knight was pursuing a deer when she came upon a fancy castle in the woods, and noted a handsome man with long brunette curls and pretty brown puppy-dog eyes confined within its Ivory Tower.
“Hey you!” she shouted in her broken Cockney accent (all Knights hail from England, and she was no exception). “Why they got you locked up in that terribly constrained tower?”
“It’s a long story,” the handsome man mused, then sighed.
“Well I haven’t got all day,” she responded curtly. “Get on with it! What is your name anyway?”
“Prince Beautiful,” the Prince replied, sighing again.
“Why do you keep doing that?”
“Doing what?” asked the Prince.
“Sighing.” our Knight answered. “It’s terribly rude and shows you’re bored with your company.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean to - I’m not bored. I don’t get much company, except my parents who lecture me once a day. Would you like something to eat?”
“No, I want to hear the bloody story. I get off work in an hour,” she said, looking at her watch.
“Okay!” Prince Beautiful exclaimed. “Well I’m locked up in this tower because I’m too pretty. See that castle over there across the woods?” the Prince asked, pointing to some turrets jutting up from the tree tops. “Prince Charming lives there. He’s very jealous because I’m prettier than he is, so he told me mum and dad this fancy story about some royal wench asleep in a castle, and said if I kissed her she would wake up and we could be married. I didn’t really want to go, but with peer pressure and all, I sallied forth to the supposed princess’s chamber - and found this horribly unattractive minger asleep on the floor. I think she weighed a good 350 pounds. I really didn’t want to kiss her, but my parents called me a patsy, so I decided to put all the rumors about my alleged sexual orientation to rest and gave her a peck on the lips. Well, this monstrous wench wakes up, takes one look at me sister, and falls in love, so I got out of that one good.”
“And how does this figure in to your imprisonment?” our splendid heroine inquired.
“I’m not done yet!” quipped the prince. “So Prince Charming - the regal arse - then presents me mum and dad with a glass slipper, saying it belongs to some princess somewhere in the northern part of the country. So here we go again - traipsing to foreign soil to track down another bird with a title. Well, come to find out it’s just a lad who fancies women’s clothes - quite beautiful when he’s all decked out, but he’s got the wrong bits, you know?”
“Too bad,” Ms Tanya replied. “But it doesn’t explain…”
Prince Beautiful groaned. “I know! I know! Just listen. So, then Prince Charming - the malevolent bugger with a pole up his arse - tells me mum and dad about this tart living with seven dwarves. I told them if she’s got seven dwarves to please her, she doesn’t need me…and that’s how I got locked up in this little room of the West Wing.”
“Ah. Well that explains it. Good luck to ya. It’s 5 now, and I’ve got to go home and cook supper,” said our Knight.
Prince Beautiful gasped. “Well, aren’t you going to rescue me?”
“From what? You live in a Castle! By God, most of us could only hope to live in a Castle!”
“But I’m locked up!” countered the Prince.
“If you lived in a wooden shack that leaked when it rains, you wouldn’t be complaining,” retorted our Noble Knight. “You’ve got a roof over your head, food to eat, no tax collectors bothering you…”
“That’s not the point. I want to be free. And since we’re debating my rescuing, since when does the King knight women? I‘ve never seen a wench in uniform.”
Ms. Tanya blushed. “I can explain that. My parents wanted a boy, so me mum dressed me up like a lad when I was a child.”