View RSS Feed

Exiled in a kilt

Sense of Wonder

Rate this Entry
Ok, a warning before folk start reading: This entry may ramble, jump from topic to topic, be graphic in places & possibly leave some of you thinking you want nothing else to do with a jackass such as myself. Of course, then again it may not - just depends where the fingers lead my words.

So I am just back from watching the sunset over the lake & the incredible blues & greens created in the sky above it. I was watching it & trying to figure out where on earth my sense of wonder, beauty, mystery went & whether I ever had one to begin with. I think I remember being amazed when I was young, but cant be sure if I just want to remember it & have tried to build that feeling into a false memory. I cant see anything now without thinking about the physical reasons why it happens which is sucking part of the joy out of my life.

While I was watching it I was talking to the girl on the phone. She has left the guy. I am nervous now & am thinking it may have been better if she had just stayed with him & saved herself from the possible heartache I may end up causing - she has given something up for me, and that makes things difficult. I know YOU are more concerned about me getting hurt, but YOU know I always deal & always will & besides. I am terrible at relationships, a few times I have led girls on knowing I am only interested in getting laid.

This is not the case with this girl but there are other issues too:
1) the more minor problem: I enjoy some degree of physical pain, it gives me an adrenalin rush & gets me off. (yes I know - I'm sick, depraved, twisted, I've heard all the adjectives from other women I've been serious about, but who've run a mile when they discovered this)

2) I am scared I am like my father. My father left my mother for another woman when I was 4 years old & the younger bro was about 4months. It is marked in the family photo albums "alone from here on out B says he's leaving" I used to spend hours looking through those albums as a kid, dont think the mother ever knew that I understood what that meant. I am like my father in almost every other respect (other than I cant stand classical music & opera) I worry every day that I am like him in that respect too.

For this reason every time I get in too deep in a relationship I get worried - its best the relationship ends before we get really serious & things go to the next level - so I become distant, cold & "not the same guy" she started dating, it always brings about the desired effect & she dumps my sorry ***.

There is one person on here who knows all this stuff in my head already, and much to her credit she didnt get freaked out & abandon me when she found out - like has happened in the past. She is a truly wonderful human being & is probably going beet red just now while she is reading this, but she is the reason I now have the confidence to make this entry.

I am now ready I think to open myself to the new girl, but I do worry every minute about my failings, faults, and detrimental behaviour patterns. I may lose out but **** it I'm 27, its about time I took responsibility for my actions in a relationship and stopped acting like a scared piece of ****.

(It is possible I may re-think the idea of posting this & delete the entry tomorrow)


  1. andave_ya's Avatar
    Dude. Ok, I'm no one to take romantic advice from, but anyways, I say you should try. You said it's more than just wanting to get laid so show her. And though you're scared you want it too, right? so...maybe it's like a roller coaster?
  2. Niamh's Avatar
  3. Scheherazade's Avatar

    This is a great entry; hope you will not delete it.

    It is understandable that you have these worries at the edge of a possible relationship and proves that you are already taking some responsibility for your action - now and future.

    However, you should also remember that this lady who you like is not perfect either - nobody is. She will have many shortcomings, annoying habits, obsessions she is embarrassed to admit... So, please do not set out as if with all these worries in your mind.

    If both of you are willing to accept each other as you are and compromise when necessary, then this relationship will work.

    It is a great journey; enjoy the ride.

    Good luck to both of you!
  4. prendrelemick's Avatar
    Be open and honest, and go for it. She may be the one.