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The (not so) Inner Whinings of an Impatient Rambler

Fluorescence

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Wow I'm extremely nervous and extremely hesitant about this...but if not here, to whom?

I had a strange sort of revelation about myself one day this past January. You know how people say that they have these life-altering moments where the light bulb goes on in their head and suddenly everything is miraculously clear? I didn't have one of those (that would be a touch dramatic, don't you think?), but I did come to a realization about something I had been sort of confused about, and I'm going to try to describe it because it applies to the sort of day I've had today. And so far, the few people I've described it to (only my closest friends because I'm afraid people will think I'm crazy, or tell me it's some sort of disorder) have given me a strange look and told me this doesn't happen to them. So here it is. If I'm ill...well, I can't decide if I want you to tell me or not.

Every now and then I have these days that are sort of unusual. There are days when I am so, completely and utterly Happy, with a capital "H". And I mean Happy, not just in a good mood. I feel it as soon as I wake in the morning, and everything goes perfectly and things that on any normal day I wouldn't notice or care about put me over the moon and things that normally would piss me right off I completely disregard which is EXTREMELY unusual. Things that would normally make my day on a normal day, well, there's no describing how they make me feel on a day like this. The first time it happened, January of last year, I could not remember ever having felt like that before, and everyone around me noticed. And then there are days when it would be better for the world if I locked myself in a room for the day. Everything is hopelessly, maddeningly bad and I hit a terrible low, which, again, is different than en everyday bad mood. The days when I'm Happy or Low cannot be affected by anything else, like factors can change a good or bad mood.

Days like this don't happen very often. Months will go by without either type. Usually they only last for one day. Well, the Lows have only ever lasted for a day, the Happy sometimes lasts for a couple days, though this past november I had a stretch of more than a week. It was unreal.

I didn't understand what it was about these days that was so different than every other day, that could completely take me over. I just didn't really think about it, and I didn't really notice that the extremes were so obvious until I tried describing them to one of my two best friends, whom I rarely get to see when we were home on our winter holidays.

I realized that on these days, the world is a different colour. On days when I am truly Happy, everything I see has a sort of glow about it. It's brighter, and sharper. The best way to describe it is that the world seems fluorescent. And on the Low days, everything is dull and blurry and slightly green. The rest of the time, that is, the vast majority of the time, everything is completely normal.

So once I realized this, I started to recognize the extreme days. And then I started trying to figure out what triggers them. Logically, it seemed like the Happy days should happen when school was going well, I wasn't experiencing any stress, I'd be getting along with my roommates, etc. And yes, the good days did typically fall into times when things had been good for an extended period of time, but they didn't always. Once I tried to force a Happy day. It didn't work. And on low days, I've tried to pick myself up by doing everything possible to make myself feel better and nothing works. So really, I have no control over this whatsoever.

I'm really nervous about admitting this, because I'm terrified that there might be something unusual about me. The last thing I want to do is call attention to this, which of course seems enormously hypocritical since I'm posting this in a public blog, but it's not something I'd really like to tell people I know and see everyday. Sometimes all you need is some reassurance, I suppose.

It really only occurred to me to write this because I'm having one of those days today, and I haven't had one in a while. Today, I am exquisitely happy. Everything today has been absolutely beyond perfect, though if you asked me what I'd done today, there really wasn't much. Yet the world shines in my eyes.

For whom else does it shine?

Updated 04-16-2009 at 02:23 AM by *Classic*Charm*

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  1. 1n50mn14's Avatar
    Having experienced something similar, I don't think you're crazy. I tend to think of people in colors, and would agree with very happy days being different colors. >.< Though I don't know if it tends to be a neurological thing or a completely imaginary/contrived in ones own mind type of experience, I don't think you're crazy...

    On the other hand, congrats on having incredibly happy days. xD.
  2. kevinthediltz's Avatar
    Today? It shines for you.
    I dont think you are crazy at all. Most of the time I am pretty happy. Happy with just about everything in life. And then, once in a while, I get unbelieveably depressed for a period of 2 or 3 days. Although that is usually sparked by an old memory or something of the sort. I have to say that I do not have days when I am rediculously happy though. And for that, I envy you.
  3. skib's Avatar
    Touche. Due to the fact Kevin and I are the same consciousness in different bodies- he said what I am going to say.
    No, you're not crazy. It seems like when those high days hit, nothing goes wrong, even things you are 100 percent sure are going to go wrong still don't.
    THEN there's those days that (like you said,) you should be locked in a rubber room, because everything, even things that should not go wrong, still go wrong.
    I believe these experiences are quite common, but it takes someone who is paying attention to actually acknowledge the occurrences.
  4. a_little_wisp's Avatar
    I KNOW. WHAT YOU MEAN. I think I'm crazy. There are days when I'm at the restaurant, and I feel like I'm floating from table to table, and beaming, and every one's beaming back - the WORLD is beaming back. I go outside, and I feel like it's Springtime just for me, and that I was somehow involved in the miracle of verdure that it's coming into fruition around me.

    Then I get the sh*t days, when I've just been assigned everything and its mother in every class and its father, and then I get to work and I'm late because class got out late and my car wouldn't start and every one is angry at me and I drop the effing relish right in front of the poor lady, and it's not until I'm JUST about to leave that I realize I haven't rolled my silverware - oh wait, that was tonight.

    Generally, it's a nice balance between Good Luck/Bad Luck/Skillfully avoiding the worst, but some days it goes to such extremes that I wonder how the h*ll this could happen to me (I'll tell you guys about the time I got stuck in a dumpster one day.)

    You're not unusual. I think it's pretty normal, pretty healthy.
  5. NikolaiI's Avatar
    The only thing I can think of is Gopi Krishna wrote about the world taking on a sort of silvery luminescence after his experience of awakening in Kundalini.

    http://scienceandreligion.com/gk/revelation.htm
    (I don't expect you to read all of this. But you might find Gopi Krishna's descriptions interesting. )

    It wasn't the experience or the implications that I was reminded of, but merely that after his experience he began to see the world bathed in a 'silvery luminescence.'
    Updated 04-16-2009 at 12:50 AM by NikolaiI
  6. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    Becca, I understand what you mean. Well, sort of. I have a friend who thinks of everything in colours. I don't see things that way, though it sounds interesting the way she describes it!

    Haha thank you, Kevin. Yes, I suppose I shouldn't complain about being Happy, right?

    Skib- must be nice to share an existence! That way you know someone always knows what's going on with you!

    Wispy, I dunno, on these days it's not that bad things don't happen, I just don't acknowledge them, maybe. It's hard to describe, but it's like I'm outside the ability of these things to affect me. Which is so not like me- usually the tiniest things completely throw my mood in every direction. Normally I'm up and down, but on these days I'm outside of that. Sorry you had a crappy night

    Thank you, Nik. Looks like I have some reading to do.

    I'm very glad you all don't think I'm crazy
  7. a_little_wisp's Avatar
    Maybe you have an aura that's like a shield. o_o Your spirit rises above the physical world, physical happenings. O_o
  8. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    Or I have some kind of psychological illness...hmm...
  9. NikolaiI's Avatar
    No, no, no reading to do.
    Oh, and, no of course I don't think you're crazy. Gopi Krishna besides; you raised a question which is incredibly central to my existence.
    For me it's... "who am I?" and "why don't I feel completely, utterly, at peace, permanently?" ha, well, the second is not put into words too often.
    But I have had experiences which make me really strive for this. Just to be at peace, to feel "One." Yadda, yadda.

    And otherwise, my thoughts on this would be more like: we create the conditions of our happiness by our actions. Doing good for others is important to me, pretty much because I see it as a necessity of living. And anyhow; the mind/body connection is not understood fully, even minutely, by science. It's been shown so clearly how effective and important someone's faith is, in healing, and therefore in health; but... as far as general common knowledge goes, it's pretty much dropped. And so I have to seek these things in Buddhism and Hinduism.

    But my point is that one's faith has somewhat to do with one's health, and also one's life; actually one's health has a lot to do with one's happiness, I would say.

    I am not trying to overthink these things... because one thing which is necessary, at least for me, is to be integral in some sense... we communicate with words but thoughts and concpets are not my goal. In fact everything related to what truly matters can scarecely, and only ever-so-clumsily, be expressed in words, concepts, thoughts, and language.

    But what you are experience is good, normal, -or, rare, in a good way- just wanted to say, my own perspective is one of seeking spiritual truth and faith... you are of course coming from a different perspective, but... yeah. Sorry if this wasn't coherent.

    And as my friend laidbackperson has in his user title, "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
  10. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by a_little_wisp
    Maybe you have an aura that's like a shield. o_o Your spirit rises above the physical world, physical happenings. O_o
    I just posted but I wanted to quote this and just say, right on! Nicely said.
  11. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    I think I follow you, Nik. It's funny, you start saying very spiritual, profound things and I think you're losing me, then you throw in something like "yadda yadda" and it brings me right back into focus haha.

    Yes, I see what you mean about the perspective one takes in looking at these things. I guess I'm just a little scared to look too closely.
  12. a_little_wisp's Avatar
    I still collect My Little Ponies and I brush their hair. (But I mean. They're important to me. Can't have some grungy lookin' ponies sittin' around.)

    I think I'm pretty stable though, even though it's kind of odd.

    Sometimes I sing to myself, but that's not too odd.

    You would probably even admire my massive collection of Grand Champions (the most beautiful horses in the world).

    Again, like Kevin says - dear lord, if you feel this kind of happiness... it's nothing to be weirded out by - as long as you aren't going all Jekyll and Hyde (By Day She is Charm - By Night She is MANIPULATION. ). Analyze it, but don't think you have an imbalance, really.
  13. NikolaiI's Avatar
    How do you mean look too closely?
  14. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    I still collect My Little Ponies and I brush their hair. (But I mean. They're important to me. Can't have some grungy lookin' ponies sittin' around.)

    I think I'm pretty stable though, even though it's kind of odd.

    Sometimes I sing to myself, but that's not too odd.

    You would probably even admire my massive collection of Grand Champions (the most beautiful horses in the world).

    Again, like Kevin says - dear lord, if you feel this kind of happiness... it's nothing to be weirded out by - as long as you aren't going all Jekyll and Hyde (By Day She is Charm - By Night She is MANIPULATION. ). Analyze it, but don't think you have an imbalance, really.
    Haha I was never big into My Little Pony (blasphemy, I know), I pretty much started right into Grand Champions, so I have a rather impressive collection myself (though they're packed away in boxes now). And every single one of them had a name, show name, discipline, personality, and shoe box stall. I moved on to Breyers once I was a little older.

    Horse girls really are our own breed, aren't we?

    Don't worry, I don't have multiple personalities. If anything, I'd be by day and the good one by night haha.
  15. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    How do you mean look too closely?
    Well, I don't want to find out there's something wrong with me because the only people I've described this to have given me very funny looks, and they're my best friends. And more importantly, I don't want to call this much attention to myself/ make a big deal out of something unimportant. Which seems to be happening a trifle here.
  16. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Well, happiness is to some degree a state of mind. It's not totally, but it largely is. So, the question I can think of is one of remembrance. I would say try to remember those times when you were most happy.

    I am a bit tired and am about to sleep, but I just wanted to encourage you. I would just quote Laidback's user title again, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," just to say, don't worry about making too much of it, you are definitely not... you wrote a blog entry. So far everyone is glad you did. Unless someone says "ah, this blog entry really peeved me off." er... and continued to be negative or something..
    er... yes, I am tired.
    Night.
    I apologize for leaving in mid-train of thought.
  17. andave_ya's Avatar
    Of course you're crazy - you're ruddy nuts! I mean, who has days where they're "incandescently" happy, then days when they're "down in the depths of despair"...? What sort of dream world do you live in?? Do you know what reality is?!? You're SUPPOSED to be miserable ALL THE TIME, with your feet firmly on the ground as you walk around with a miserable expression on your face that says "DON'T TALK TO ME I BITE." And when the splendid joy of life and youth and sunny happiness comes bubbling out of you you're supposed to squash it and say I don't have time for this.

    The End.

  18. Virgil's Avatar
    I was waiting for you to attribute it to something. So you get this feeling without any tangible reason? I get like this at times in the spring, when everything starts blooming and spouting. The sun just shines longer and air is not as cold and trees are budding and grass is greener. Birds are circling and robins prancing. I could almost feel God on moments like this. Maybe that's what's going on with you.
  19. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    Andya, you make me laugh haha

    Virgil, that sounds like spring fever to me! I dunno that I'm feeling God though...I think that would require a belief in God
  20. Mathor's Avatar
    There is nothing crazy about this. From the beginning of your day you can tell how it's going to be. It's pretty much up to your own human choice, but if i'm REALLY happy then no matter what happens on a day like that I'm gonna be happy. And if you are truly miserable, nothing will lift you out of that. And I think everyone gets those highs and lows and has their good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks and there isn't a single thing 'strange' about that. If anything it means maybe you are a more emotional or a more sensitive person, and it's not that you're different, it's moreso that maybe you have a good understanding of your own emotions. and maybe your friends do not.