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Away with the Fairies- The Travel Diary of an Irish WebFairy

Be Not Caged Dear Heart

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This is a poem i wrote recently. Its a bit on the rough side and needs a bit of work...

Be Not Caged Dear Heart

Be not caged dear heart, be free
To love once more. Break down the chains
That have long contained you. Can't you see
The Passion that comes to soothe, to heal the pains
Caused by a love whose love was
Nothing but sorrow, nothing but hate.

Be free dear heart, beat once more
in tune with loves sweet song of light!
Sing with joy, play a merry rhythm, for
Soon, who knows, those shackles might
Rust, the heart might sicken with poison.
And for love...it may be too late.

Updated 03-25-2009 at 08:45 PM by Niamh (bloody spelling!)

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Poems

Comments

  1. mtpspur's Avatar
    Hmmmm--competition for Dark Muse as my favorite poet. I liked this one. Filled with hope in spite of life's sad repercussions. Nice.
  2. Silas Thorne's Avatar
    hmm. I can see a few areas that need a bit of work. I thnk you might be caged by the need to be poetical in places. Want some honest criticism?
  3. Niamh's Avatar
    I said it was rough! still working on it.
  4. Silas Thorne's Avatar
    Cool Just thought you might want some criticism, because you said it needs some work.
  5. 1n50mn14's Avatar
    Oh, Niamh, this is inspiring and very brave and full of courage in the face of lost love. ! I love it.
  6. Niamh's Avatar
    criticise away. I always listen.
    And thanks very much Rich and Becca.
  7. Silas Thorne's Avatar
    OK, since you don't mind. Take these with a pinch of curry, two lemons, and stir gently:
    The first stanza: cant to can't. Should it also be 'soothe'? And I'm confused about 'cause' here. Is it 'caused'? Lots of questions in this criticism, but the end of the first stanza should have a question mark, yes?
    Second stanza change to 'rhythm'. Not sure about the line 'sicken with poison'.
    A very positive poem though. Just want it to run smoother.
  8. Niamh's Avatar
    its always down to my spelling! This is why i should use spell check! and Caused not cause!
  9. Virgil's Avatar
    I thought the second half needs work but I thought the first half was very soothing. I seemed to feel a peace from it. I think it has to do with the deliberate pace and the lines that extend. A number of those lines could have ended with a hard break like a period, but you didn't. I liked that.

    Actually the second half is soothing too, but that rust metaphor seems awkward. And then I don't understand the line after. If the shackles rust and break away, why would the heart sicken? Those lines seem to be contradicting each other, otr am I missing something? But I did enjoy the poem over all Niamh. On a hectic day where I was arguing at work, I felt the irritation in my nerves drain as I read it.
  10. Niamh's Avatar
    Shackles are made of metal. Metal rusts. Rust can poison the blood stream, which pumps through the heart. hope that helps. If i cant break free of the chains they will constrict and poison me. basicly i'm telling myself to hurry up or i'll turn into a venomous old hag.
  11. Virgil's Avatar
    Hmm, ok. I didn't get that. Did everyone else get it? Perhaps it's just me on that line.
  12. Silas Thorne's Avatar
    I couldn't see the tie between rust and poison here either. I get the logic, Niamh, just didn't connect these lines, I thought the rusting shackles and the poison were separate things.
  13. skib's Avatar
    I liked it. I might not have interpreted it exactly as intended, but it still holds meaning to me.
  14. kiz_paws's Avatar
    I liked this poem, Niamh, it reads well. My favorite lines (that kind of bounced out at me with happiness) were:
    Be free dear heart, beat once more
    in tune with loves sweet song of light!
  15. sprinks's Avatar
    I understood the bit about rust. And I really like it!
  16. Niamh's Avatar
    Sorry that it was lost on you guys... but now that you know does it make a least some sense?

    And thak you Kiz and Sprinks.
  17. Silas Thorne's Avatar
    Yes it does now you've explained it.