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The (not so) Inner Whinings of an Impatient Rambler

I Don't Write Anymore

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This is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately. When I was younger I wrote all the time. Short stories, newspaper articles, my own reference books I'd done research for, novels (of the 8-year-old-thinks-a-novel-is-just-an-infinitely-detailed-short-story variety). And I remember that my imagination was a dominant part of my thinking at all times. Everything I saw, I coloured in as though the world was only a black and white colouring book outline and it was up to me to fill in the vibrancy and contrast. Every person and animal I saw had a name and a brilliant story in my mind, and I wrote it all down.

I don't anymore. I don't see things like that anymore. These incredible adventures and dramas simply do not occur. And when I realize this, I wonder why exactly I was like that and why I'm not anymore. I miss it. It feels like I'm not quite myself.

The inevitable conclusion I reach is that science has killed my imagination.

Now let's get this straight- this is not going to become a science bashing session. I love science. It blows my mind daily. Very little gets me as excited as a good lecture on equine anatomy or immunology or reproduction. I'm that awkward girl who is so absorbed by the lecture she sits on the edge of her seat and forgets to take notes.

This doesn't change the fact, though, that the end of my creative thought correlates directly to the beginning of my being completely absorbed by science.

It's almost as though a knowledge of reality has stamped out my ability to believe in and create alternatives. But that can't be all! Far more intelligent and worldly people than I have vastly more knowledge of science and reality than I do, yet they're great writers! Where did my thoughts go?

I've also tried chalking this up to the whole growing up thing, and the inevitable theft of my bright-eyedness and bushy-tailedness. As a child I resided in a complete fantasy world. My company were Disney princesses and talking animals, and with this I was more than content. I find it extremely difficult to believe that once one hits a certain age, this all just gets stamped out, like the convenient disappearance of a minor's criminal record once he or she turns eighteen. It can't just go away! Somewhere, in a dusty filing cabinet in a forgotten closet, some scrap of paper documents that kid's armed grocery store robbery. Somewhere, in some secluded corner of my mind, a talking horse with a flowing silver mane must stand guard over all the infinite possibilities of my imagination.

The last time I wrote something creative...when was that? In my last year of high school I took a Writers' Craft course. It taught me a few technical things, but every piece I wrote was some literal reflection that I learned to embellish with pretty description. My final culminating assignment was a play that my teacher told me I should send to a publisher. I was extremely flattered, but I wasn't proud of the piece. It wasn't creative at all. It had no life of its own, it just...was.

There was a piece I started for that class that I felt something for. I never finished it though, because I've never had any inspiration to do so. That feeling of being drawn to pen and paper hasn't returned, despite the fact that that piece has taken up residence in my permanent memory. It was only a random page that I had to do for class, but I can't forget about it.

Why then, have I no idea what to do about it? It's like sitting down to write and realizing you're missing your hand. What do you do? I can't just force it when there's nothing there, no emotion.

Am I doomed? Is my imagination gone? Am I stuck now, in a factual, colour-photocopy world? I miss writing. I miss stories fluttering about my head like butterflies from flower to flower.

I feel incomplete. There's a part of me that's been silenced and I can't seem to strike up the orchestra.
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Comments

  1. kevinthediltz's Avatar
    You need to find something you really want to write about. Something unfinished in your head. Inspiration is all around us. And I think once you find something that grabs you, that younger you that couldnt stop writing will surface once again.
  2. Dori's Avatar
    I'm still as childish as I was ten years ago, so I'm afraid I can't help you...
  3. mtpspur's Avatar
    Probably just need a break from writing and let the creative juices percolate for a time.
  4. Virgil's Avatar
    No I don't think it's science at all. It's the pressures of school. School curriculum that is science oriented isvery grueling and there isn't enough time and mental energy for something like creative writing. Once you're done with school I am sure it will come back to you. It's not science, its the pressures and other energy you have been diverting elsewhere. So don't give up hope.
  5. a_little_wisp's Avatar
    I agree entirely with Virgil. It is the pressures of school, because I've gone through it too. After a day of school, work, and then homework, I'm too exhausted, too exhausted to write, to think, to move...


    Sleep has stolen all my dreams,
    And I go where they go.
    Day brings stretched-out, dried-out thoughts-
    Ideas that cease to grow.

    "It should be
    Your love to learn,"
    A lady said to me.

    "When life had time for dreams and things,
    Then knowledge gave me wings."

    My childhood and yours sounds like they were very similar. I still have all my stuffed animals, all of my Grand Champions, My Little Ponies, Littlest Petshops, She-Ra Warrior Woman dolls -

    Write about the horse with the silver mane. Talk to him, see what you coax out of him. Maybe he even has a story to tell!

    Find a day for yourself, and don't be afraid to seek out your childhood self for answers- she's a wonderful muse.
  6. Mathor's Avatar
    And yet you're proving yourself wrong again with this entry, as it's really good. Maybe in your insecurity, you've found you've found your muse.
    Updated 03-20-2009 at 10:04 AM by Mathor
  7. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    Wisp, that was really pretty! Thank you!

    Thank you, Mathor.

    I don't know anything about a muse though..
  8. Zee.'s Avatar
    CC - these blogs are getting you there. If you can't see the creativity in them then you are crazy