by, 01-30-2009 at 12:22 PM (905 Views)
if you have a changeabe mood or frequent moments of blue, you should better not read this.
i feel a little depressed these weeks. melancholic. i am not in a good mood. i don't go out, i don't want to. i stay in my room most of the day. i argue with my parents all the time, don't they see that i am not well? damn, i feel awful! my mother asked me what's wrong with me yesterday, but i did not wish to answer. i just said, several stuff, i do not want to talk about anything. but they don't leave me alone, they yell at me for everything, even for the most unimportant things. they are ready to attack. and so i do the same, cause i got so many nerves and cannot stand their voices.
i feel suffocated by my own self, by my own life. i feel so lonely...the worse thing is that i cannot cry. a tear or two may drop but nothing more, that is all. i want to get relieved from this burden but i can't and i don't even know which is the exact reason for feeling this way.
my only refuge is a pen and a notebook. i try to write and burst into words if you let me say it so, though this is wrong by means of syntax- burst into words does not exist as an expression if i am correct, we don't even use it in greek. but anyway, this is not the point.
i see no light out there anymore. only darkness. and i am so afraid of dark. since i was a kid i couldn't stand it. i feel like my heart is becoming a stone. i feel cold. i feel like i am turning into a breeze or something. i feel empty. yeah, this is the word. empty. with a huge, dark void, full of sorrow in my soul. there is no one out there. and i cannot take anyone's hand, cause i see nobody offering his. my best friend tells me that this is all nonsense, that i should forget about anything because there is no reason to feel like this, and partly, she is right. but i've always been a melancholic person every now and then.
are my dreams ever coming true?- i guess not.
am i going to find the one i am looking for?- probably not.
what am i doing here? what is my purpose? what have i come here for? for nothing? why, i don't like nothing. nothing is an awful word. why doesn't anybody see me? why can't they hear me? why do i feel trapped among ghosts? or am i the ghost? they all seem to understand each other, but they cannot understand me. i don;t understand them. it's like we speak a different language. and the only languages i speak is greek, english and a bit of french. where am i? can't they hear me screaming? why do i only hear the echo of my voice but no answer? what's wrong with me? i don't want to be here!!! i need some help, but everyone seems too busy. maybe they are. it is not their fault anyway. it is me who has the problem.
i should not have been born in this place and at this era. i feel like i stuck out. like i don't belong here. i am different. not special, by no means better than the others, but i am different. i feel like i was not meant to be here. but then where?
what am i doing here? it feels like i was destined to go somewhere but took the wrong bus and the driver can't stop and tell me which bus i need to take in order to reach my destination. like i was travelling and the captain lost the route and we ended up in the wrong port.why am i here? what am i doing?