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Damned for All Time

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Q: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Father McCreary: Tell me what you've done, son.
Q: Well, I've committed a horrible crime.
Father: Murder? Rape? Robbery?
Q: Oh, no, Father, nothing like that. It's a crime against art.
Father: Art who?
Q: No, Father. Art - painting, sculpture, literature, music, stuff like that.
Father: Oh, well that can't be so bad son. Have you a forged a famous painting?
Q: No. I've, well, I own, well, I've got this (begins to cry)
Father: Ah, son, it can't be that bad. Just tell me what it is and you'll feel better.
Q: (big breath) I own a black velvet Elvis
Father: YOU WHAT!!!!!!!
Q: I own a black velvet Elvis and I need forgiveness.
Father: Ah, son, nobody can forgive that!!
Q: Our father who art...
Father: No, no, no. No amount of Our Fathers or Hail Marys can atone for what you've done. This goes far deeper than crime against art. This is blasphemy, sacrilege, eternal condemnation to the fires of Hell.
Q: But, dude, it was a gift.
Father: Hm, Young Elvis?
Q: Just the head of fat, bloated Vegas Elvis.
Father (resignedly): Can't help you.
Q: But
Father: Nope, that just grates against all that is decent and civilized. Can't forgive it.
Q: But I thought it being Christmas and all.
Father: Nope, can't do it.
(silent moment, smoke 'em if you got 'em , girls)
Q: I could regift it.
Father: Aye, lad, ya might.
Q: It being Christmas and all.
Father: But that's not an act of love you're talking about.
Q: Well, how about this...
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All!!!
Father: That'll do, pig, that'll do.
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Comments

  1. Virgil's Avatar
    Well, that is a sin against humanity. Is there a picture you can show us?
  2. NikolaiI's Avatar
    What's a black velvet Elvis? I don't get it at all.
  3. mtpspur's Avatar
    NikoliaI if you get thru this life never having seen Elvis immortalized on a tacky black velvet carpet painting you have been blessed.
    Updated 12-23-2008 at 04:46 PM by mtpspur
  4. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Well as the saying goes, curiosity killed Nikolai... I searched for something but I couldn't find anything bad. I'm still in ignorance.

    Unless, is it this?

    http://www.velvetpaintings.com/galle...-elvis101a.jpg

    What's wrong with it? I think it's nice.
  5. mtpspur's Avatar
    I think it a reflection on American cultyral icons that anything can be turned into a way to make some quick cash. They took a musical legend and made it seem tacky.
  6. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Hehehehe, brilliant!!
  7. PabloQ's Avatar
    Nikolai, What you have found would be the upper echelon of black velvet Elvis's. Mine has, I think, less than 50 actual brush stokes. The black velvet is supposed to make the image leap off the material, giving it a kind of 3D affect. Tigers and Toreadors are also popular images in this medium. The black velvet artworks are typically sold on street corners, in vacant lots, by wholesome, struggling artists out of a van with shag carpeting inside and the faint smell of patchouli oil. They ususually go 2 or 3 for $25 depending on how tacky you want your home to be.
  8. 1n50mn14's Avatar


    I got a load of black velvet clowns at Bibles for Missions or Salvation Army. They go along nicely with my spray painted silver Christmas tree that's up all year.
  9. Joreads's Avatar
    A little Elvis is better than no Elvis at all even if it is on Black Velvet
  10. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Ah, Okay... I'm glad to know. I am still hoping I didn't damn Lit-net for all time...
  11. kiz_paws's Avatar
    OMG, your best Blog Entry to date, Pablo!
    Let me take this opportunity to wish you and your family all the very best for the Holiday Season, and may your 2009 be filled with peace, joy and love!
    ~K♥zzo