High School

Well, you all may not know me, and I don't have a pedastol on this forum, but I soon hope to be. the real reason i'm here in this blog is, well, I'm nervous, tired, upset, and aggravatingly paranoid. It all started last year, in Middle School.

So, just one random day, I'm walking to math, and my friend Michael comes up and asks if I've met the new kid, Ben.
"Nah, I've been in the library skipping all my classes working on the history project, why?" so now, as every one and anyone is, I'm interested in hearing this. So Michael says
"Dude, he gets free weed. From his dad!" he said, as if it were the best thing he'd ever heard. I stared at him dumbly until he mentioned smoking the weed.
"oh" I replied meekly, a little shaken and nervous.

Just a little background info before I continue. I've been hanging with Michael and a lot of his friends for the past 2 years, as I didn't really fit in with the popular kids, the skater's, the band guys, anything. I sort of just melted in with all of them. Michael and co. happened to fall into the skater, rocker catagory, so naturally they were excited about finally getting drugs into the school, and having access to them.

"So," Michael said casually " you gonna come with us to his house after school?" It's right across from my block"(we all lived decently close to each other) "Uh, sure." I stuttered. Yes, i stuttered, something I don't normally do. I'm usually a confident person, and the world before then had always seemed pg. Suddenly it switched as if everything they show in R movies is real, and I quickly found out it was.

After school, I met with Michael and Ben at Michael's bus stop. Ben had the look of a pot-head. Sunken eyes, long greasy hair, etc. So, Michael, Ben, Matt(Michael's right hand guy) and I walked to Ben's house, and I was nervous the whole way. We eventually got there, and when we walked into his house, I was about to lose it. You could already smell the weed. It was the most disgusting smell ever. It was like burnt rat droppings, anything you can incorporate into the feces catagory.

We walked up the stairs and into Ben's room, where his dad was sitting smoking a bong. he glanced up, offered it to Ben, who took it and dragged a long puff. I stood horrified, realizing that if I left now, they would no doubt come after me, as they wouldn't wan the cops to know. ben passed the bong to michael. Puff. Passed to Matt. Puff... passed to me. I stood there, my brain going into a nervous downspinning spiral. I just couldn't take it. I puffed. I caughed, i gagged, and burned my throat. I had never even smoked a ciggerete, less a bong.

they laughed. I wet my pants. I was that blasted scared. I wanted to leave, I wanted to get out of their. But fear had me planted. they took more puffs, and continuously re-lit the bong over and over, and passed it in a clockwise manner, always the people puffing. I eventually passed out, and woke over by a lake with Michael and Matt. Ben and his dad weren't around.

The next day, my brain was fizzed, I was off the hook, and things were still weird. it's as if the world was jacked up, and I was lost. Eventually, they dragged me into their blasted weed circle. Ben eventually moved when the cops caught his dad trying to buy from an undercover cop.

The next few days, I was hysterical. I couldn't get weed, and my mind was going crazy. I had stomach pains, migranes, etc. I didn't know what to do. Then I met my future girlfriend Jess. Jess was a pothead I happened to meet at the mall. Strange enough, she was 17 when I was only 14. She was into everything, and I was still the scared little boy I was the first day. Dhe eventually started me up again, promising the pain to ease, which it did after the first few days. We fell in love, but now I feel like a blasted fool for ever falling in love with her. Weeks, Months past. My mom knew nothing of it, neither did any of my other freinds.

Oh, I failed to mention I moved to another part of my city, and that's where I met Jess.

So then, she started pressuring me towards sex. There was no way I would do that. I broke off the relationship multiple times, but kept going back for the drug.

I don't know what I should do. I feel as if I'm killing myself, making myself depressed, and I can't post this anywhere else and feel comfortable with myself at all. I must be a blasted fool.