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Inner Turmoil

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Wow, only two more days and Tom will be home. I am glad to see this little chapter coming to an end, but part of me is terrified at the thought of him coming home. Not exactly the reaction that I expected, but it is there regardless of what I want. I just don't understand the whole situation. In many ways I'm thrilled. He's my husband and I love him to distraction. So why is there this bit that is whispering ill thoughts in my ear? When I should be nothing but happy, I can't help but dwell on niggling doubts.

Tom has not been studious in his search for a job as a starter. In fact, he's not even really looked, and he is showing no inclination to do so. His answer is that he wishes to take a week off, and then he will begin looking. Not a big deal if there were resumes in and all he had to do was take his time off and then make phone calls. He's starting from square one. I would be less worried if I didn't fear that he will have us draining our savings to keep from returning to work for a few months.

Another bit grinding at me, is that the only few jobs he has looked at would take him away from home for weeks at a time. He would be gone far more that he would be with us. Does he not want us??? Why would he work only to find things that would take him away if he did? Rather than turning his energy to finding something that will mean he is home, he has berated me a bit for not giving the green light on some of these other positions. In what world would I say that it was fine to take a job where you are gone 6 weeks and then home for 1 week. It is of little relevance to me that it was a 120K position. The whole point of getting out of the military was to have him home with his family instead of all the coming and going.

More than anything, I fear that he is going to hurt the kids and I. I'm most worried for my children. Not that he will physically abuse us, but that he is going to get home and decide it isn't where he wants to be. Garrick and Victoria will be devastated if he takes work that has him away. They're both so excited that he is finally coming home for good. I don't know what I would do. The truth is that we would likely find ourselves divorced within a couple of years. In two years, I'll likely be able to afford the house and all the bills on my own. As cruel as this sounds, if he is gone all the time and I can pay the bills, what need would I have of him then? It isn't like he would be home offering companionship and the type of relationship I want.

Anyhow, there are my slightly tortured thoughts for the day. I'm trying to clear them from the brain, but it just isn't working. Maybe this will help when nothing else is.

Much Love,


  1. motherhubbard's Avatar
    Meg, Iím so sorry that you are feeling so much turmoil. I donít think that your feelings are unexpected though. Leaving the military is a huge change and it will be a tremendous adjustment for all four of you. It will take time and you will still see elements of military life in your husband (my husband has been out for seventeen years and I canĎt hang his pants correctly- how hard can it be to hang his pants right Öblablaba). Does your area offer any kind of support for ex-military couples to help with the transition to civilian life? Iím sure it will be difficult and even more difficult because it seems like he should be able to come home and everything be like Leave it to Beaver, but give yourselves time. I understand how you also need to talk to yourself about the possibility of dealing with things on your own. Women with children need to be prepared to manage, just try to leave it off the table. Best wishes to you and your family.
  2. pussnboots's Avatar
    I wish there was something I can say to ease your mind. I don't know how long your husband has been away but I am sure there was a major adjustment for you and the kids when he was gone and I am sure there will be some adjustments to be made when he gets back. Just take one day at a time and if you can like MH stated, see if there is any support for ex-military couples to help with the transition, even if you have to go yourself.
    Just know that we are here for you.
    Take care
  3. andave_ya's Avatar
    Oh Meg, i'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you; I really hope things work out for you and your family.
  4. SleepyWitch's Avatar
    that sounds tough.
    what motherhubbard said sounds very reasonable.
    does he realize working away from you=not spending any time with you? sometimes men are daft like that and all they see is the 120 k and they totally forget about what it means for their family.
    I don't know the first thing about ex-military couples and such, but I think you need to start tackling this as early as possible. if you let him go on like that for a couple of months it will only get worse. Don't be afraid to confront him with the situation and address your fears etc openly. Men don't usually understand things like this unless you tell them 5 times a day and holler at them a lot.
    I know this doesn't really compare but here's an example from my life:
    My bf has been looking for a job for over a year. He does have a part time job but he can't find any job to do with the subject he graduated in. He did send out like 3 applications every week but lots of times he couldn't be bothered to put some details in his CV that needed to be there and it took me 3 months of arguing to make him include them.
    Being on a low budget he became very stingy and wouldn't even allow me to eat. when I wanted him to buy canned beans or potatoes or anything else that I (veggie) can eat he was either evasive and never bought the beans or he made up excuses.
    This went on for like 5 weeks and meanwhile I was having severe muscle cramps due to iron deficiency ... I had to shove his TV off its trolley for him not take notice of me at all. 2 weeks after I did that he started the same argument agent. Like he was supposed to help me study for my exams and I ate a handful of almonds, a peach and some cheap canned fish while studying and he was like "All you ever do is gorge yourself." then he went off to work.
    The point is, that he was depressive a) because he couldn't find a job and b) because of some unresolved issues in his family and he was taking it out on me. So after he gave me the same sh!t for like 7 weeks running I told him "You know what your problem is? Your problem is that you wanna die because of your family issues. If you wanna die, go back home to your dad's place and do it there because I've been trying to cheer you up for 3 years but if you really want to die, I can't save you. How am I supposed to marry you and have kids with you if you're going to die on us?".
    I'd been putting this off for weeks because I didn't want to be cruel. But as soon as I said it, my boyfriend realized I was right. He cried all night, but then he and his dad sorted out their issues and he hasn't been depressive since.
    Sorry if I rambled too much about my life. What I wanted to say is, sometimes men don't even realize what's going on with them and their is no point in being indirect or waiting for them to come to their senses. Sometimes you've just got to confront them and force them to make a decision or at least force them to sit down and talk with you/listen to you for longer than two minutes running.
  5. Virgil's Avatar
    Meg, your husband has been around male/macho culture too long and may need to adjust. If that is the case I would give him a little bit, and I emphasize "little," to adjust but within a week if he has not adjusted you've got to sit him down and make him conscious that he is now living with a woman and children and he needs to accomodate. I wouldn't let it go too long or he will think that his behavior is the norm. Or he is one who just enjoys being in a male culture and will not adjust. I've seen men like this. I hope not because it will be a hard adjustment for all. I wish you the best.